Moonbase (1997)

Feels like you are trapped on the moon with no dick to entertain yourself.

You know you are in for a special brand of pain when the opening credits take 10 goddamn minutes. 

Moonbase followed the seldom successful business model of irritating the shit out of people to sell their product.  After the 10 minute list of bullshit actors to start the movie, you get an hour and half of eerie shitty sound that will make you want to stab your ears with a dollar store cotton swab.  Maybe they didn’t want to take away from the poetic dialogue this list of rejects spew out.  Help you and everyone else by signing a petition to ban synthesizers in space.

The story of Moonbase offers hope of a spectacular B movie, until you start watching, then that hope is immediately quashed.  A bunch of assholes escape a space penitentiary, stow away on a transport to a shit factory on the moon, then try to blow up earth with nukes hidden beneath the planet.  I know, it sounds awesome.  It isn’t.  You really get to experience what a mundane everyday life would be like on a moon base.  Nothing fucking happens.  It is so painfully boring for three quarters of the movie, and then you get a shitty battle between the perps hiding in the shit plant and the base commanders side.  Needless to say, everything about the fight sucked.  You may be surprised to know that Commander John prevents nuclear annihilation.  Spoiler alert. 

This movie is far from the who’s who of B movie stars.  You pretty much have the guy from No Holds Barred and Gretchen Palmer.  That poor bastard is exactly what you would draw, if you were asked to draw a pedophile.  If your kids sell cookies, I would skip his house, or they may end up buried in the basement.  I don’t know what dumbass decided Gretchen Palmer was the broad for the role of a badass convict/terrorist.  It’s completely unbelievable.  A black convict in space?  What kind of dipshit is going to believe that?

A positive part of the movie was the dream girl hologram buddy was pulling his wire to.  Don’t worry, you only have to see her.  Except when the suit from No Holds Barred programs it to be buddies mother.  He screams like a little bitch, instead of shutting it off.  I think he finished.

The movie had potential, and the special effects weren’t horrible for this type of 90’s turd, but somehow they fucked it all up.  Steer clear of Moonbase, unless you get off on torturing yourself.  Even then, pulling your cord with a belt tied around your neck would be preferable to this movie.

Moonbase Trailer:

Fist of the North Star (1995)

Comparable to winning the lottery while taking a shit.  It's that satisfying.  

Finding words to describe Fist of the North Star is like trying to find the Arab word for shower.  It's fucking impossible.  But, not unlike our furry Jihadists, video does a pretty damn good job of getting the point across.

These are just a few clips from Fist of the North Star.  In all honesty, you could take any part of the movie and piss yourself laughing.  Gary Daniels is one of those rare breeds (not so rare) that can't act for shit, but is a pleasure to watch on screen.  Probably because he could roundhouse your ugly mug in a pair of work boots. 

Reason #1 why this movie rocks and Gary Daniels is cooler than you will ever be:

Can you heal blind Asians with some faggy hand gestures?  Maybe your father didn't tell you how, but Gary Daniels father did.  It's not your fault he was ashamed of you and didn't want his friends to see his pathetic offspring.  Maybe if you grew a mullet, he would have something to be proud of.

Reason #2 is that Gary Daniels is stronger than a queef in a space suit.

I would like to see any MMA fighter survive that.  What just happened?  You just got your head fucking crushed.  That's what just happened.  Dana would cream his jeans if he got a hold of Gary's video resume.  Then, Gary would pop his giant fucking skull for being an unbearable prick.

Reason #3 That's what it's like to see someone fingered to death.  Well, close to it anyways.

That's right, buddy!  You did just see the coolest thing ever.  That is some devastating shit right there.

Reason #4 is the sheer intensity Gary Daniels shows:

Could you imagine someone eyeballing you like that?  You would be standing in a puddle of piss before you had the chance to run for your life.  The best thing to do would be to play dead.  Gary Daniels wouldn't be able to recognise the acting.  You don't need acting skills when you are cast for a role that resembles your reality.

#5 There is no shortage of great quotes in this movie.  Such as this one delivered by Chris Penn:

That's just one of thousands of lameass quotes delivered in Fist of the North Star.  From start to finish is an endless supply of sayings, to get you knuckled by your friends.  Who better than the fat retard, Chris Penn, to deliver such gold?

Reason #6 is that they know just the right amount of cheese required for a shitastic movie.  As you can see in this scene, they know when enough is enough:

What's the matter?  Haven't you ever seen an aneurysm caused by a chest massage?  You need to get out more, because that shit happens all the time.

That's just six clips when I could have posted the whole movie.  It is that great.  Anyone that says otherwise is a goddamn liar.  Mullet+Martial Arts+Wasteland = Better than any of the shit Hollywood pumps out these days. Not to mention, Malcolm McDowell is in it.

Fist of the North Star Trailer:

Cyborg Cop 2 (1994)

You thought he was dead... You were wrong.  Dead wrong.


David Fucking Bradley!

Hahahahahaha!  This movie sucks so much that it's great!  The opening 20 minutes is a slow motion scene where a truck drives around a warehouse blowing people up. Add the cheesiest music to the cheesiest scene and there you have it.  Cyborg Cop 2 is fucked!  Every time David Bradley does something heroic, the same shitty music plays.  That’s not the worst part.  Picture yourself at some hick country bar.  Some tough guy rolls up on his hog like he owns the goddamn place.  He gets off his bike with a “fuck you” look on his face.  This is when you pan down and notice that tough guy is wearing the gayest accessory that anyone could possibly wear.

A fucking fanny pack!  They really nailed the wardrobe in this movie.  I guess David Bradley didn’t like the uncomfortable feeling of a wallet in his pocket, while riding his bike.  Not to mention, you can store your gum, Chap Stick, keys, and anything else that needs storing.  It’s convenience knows no bounds.  The fanny pack will plague you the whole movie.  Every time David Bradley tries to show how badass he is, his gay little fanny pack undermines everything he says.

Jack Ryan has to battle a group of anti-terrorist cyborgs gone bad.  This is no easy task, but luckily he enlists the help of his cowboy buddy.  It’s too bad he ends up getting his in the end.  The cyborgs hate cowboys and really fuck him up.

These cyborgs are equipped with the latest weaponry and armor.  One of them even has a tit on the end of his arm that shoots laser beams.  In one scene the tit-laser blows up a helicopter.  In another scene, the tit-laser shoots Cowboy, but it only chars his skin a bit.  This asshole must be one tough son of a bitch.

The head cyborg “Starkraven” has a real grudge against Jack Ryan. The cyborg was made from the criminal that Jack beat the shit out of at the start of the movie.  The whole movie is basically David Bradley confronted with random situations that call for random acts of violence.  You will roar when you see David Bradley distract a cyborg with a fire extinguisher, long enough to weld him to a table.

The  special effects aren’t as shitty as the rest of the movie.  Although, the cyborgs are pretty special.  They must have used a whole roll of tinfoil on their outfits.  They store their different weapon attachments in their chest.  When they switch weapons, you can see just how shitty the suits are made.

All in all, this movie is a must watch.  You may want to hurt someone by the end of it.
Cyborg Cop 2 trailer: