Fist of the North Star (1995)

Comparable to winning the lottery while taking a shit.  It's that satisfying.  

Finding words to describe Fist of the North Star is like trying to find the Arab word for shower.  It's fucking impossible.  But, not unlike our furry Jihadists, video does a pretty damn good job of getting the point across.

These are just a few clips from Fist of the North Star.  In all honesty, you could take any part of the movie and piss yourself laughing.  Gary Daniels is one of those rare breeds (not so rare) that can't act for shit, but is a pleasure to watch on screen.  Probably because he could roundhouse your ugly mug in a pair of work boots. 

Reason #1 why this movie rocks and Gary Daniels is cooler than you will ever be:

Can you heal blind Asians with some faggy hand gestures?  Maybe your father didn't tell you how, but Gary Daniels father did.  It's not your fault he was ashamed of you and didn't want his friends to see his pathetic offspring.  Maybe if you grew a mullet, he would have something to be proud of.

Reason #2 is that Gary Daniels is stronger than a queef in a space suit.

I would like to see any MMA fighter survive that.  What just happened?  You just got your head fucking crushed.  That's what just happened.  Dana would cream his jeans if he got a hold of Gary's video resume.  Then, Gary would pop his giant fucking skull for being an unbearable prick.

Reason #3 That's what it's like to see someone fingered to death.  Well, close to it anyways.

That's right, buddy!  You did just see the coolest thing ever.  That is some devastating shit right there.

Reason #4 is the sheer intensity Gary Daniels shows:

Could you imagine someone eyeballing you like that?  You would be standing in a puddle of piss before you had the chance to run for your life.  The best thing to do would be to play dead.  Gary Daniels wouldn't be able to recognise the acting.  You don't need acting skills when you are cast for a role that resembles your reality.

#5 There is no shortage of great quotes in this movie.  Such as this one delivered by Chris Penn:

That's just one of thousands of lameass quotes delivered in Fist of the North Star.  From start to finish is an endless supply of sayings, to get you knuckled by your friends.  Who better than the fat retard, Chris Penn, to deliver such gold?

Reason #6 is that they know just the right amount of cheese required for a shitastic movie.  As you can see in this scene, they know when enough is enough:

What's the matter?  Haven't you ever seen an aneurysm caused by a chest massage?  You need to get out more, because that shit happens all the time.

That's just six clips when I could have posted the whole movie.  It is that great.  Anyone that says otherwise is a goddamn liar.  Mullet+Martial Arts+Wasteland = Better than any of the shit Hollywood pumps out these days. Not to mention, Malcolm McDowell is in it.

Fist of the North Star Trailer:

Class of 1999 (1990)

How did I not see this movie before?  Maybe I did and it blew that part of my mind away.

Talk about the who’s who of  “hey,  it’s that fucking guy” actors.  Malcolm McDowell has done some pretty sweet movies.  This is no exception.

Class of 1999 tells a great story about a teacher that is transferred to a troubled high school and is expected to clean it up.  The students have disciplinary problems that prove to be quite challenging.  Through sheer determination and genuine love for the students, the teacher manages to reach these troubled youth.  If this sounds pretty awesome to you, go rent Lean on Me or Dangerous Minds, because this movie is way less faggy. 

The United States has turned into a complete shithole.  Gang violence has taken over the schools.  So much that the major schools and surrounding areas are free-fire zones that the police will not enter.  Kennedy High is located in a free-fire zone.  To try and deal with the little punks that rule the free-fire zones, the Department of Educational Defense devises a plan to fuck shit up.

Stacy Keach (He’s a dude with a broads name) modifies three battledroids to infiltrate the school as teachers.  This movie is worth seeing just for the mullet that Stacy Keach is rocking.  It may only be rivaled by the mullet on the Bozz in Stone Cold.  These aren’t your average run of the mill teachers.  They have combat training and they aren’t afraid to use it in the name of discipline.  Pam Grier beats the hell out of three gang bangers trying to sell drugs in her class.  Another teacher spanks the shit out of two mooks for fighting.  This hands on approach seems to be working quite well, until they revert back to their combat programming and take shit too far.  They start killing mouthy little cunts for minor offences.  They lose their shit and someone is going to have to stop them, but who?  Cody Culp, that’s who!

Cody gets released from prison and is forced to return to school as part of his parole.  To the surprise of his gang buddies, he intends to meet the conditions of his parole.  This does not sit well with his old gang.  On the way to his first day of school, Cody takes a route through Razorheads territory.  He disrespects their leader, Sonny and a high speed car chase ensues through piles of cardboard and garbage.   They manage to lose Sonny when flips his shitbox on a heap of garbage. 

As Cody witnesses more and more violence from the teachers, he realizes something is up.  
One of the teachers kills his buddy when he pulls a gun out.  Another teacher causes a dealer to overdose on his own drugs.  Cody searches the teachers place for answers.  He finds it quite odd that there is only fuel cells and WD-40 in the cupboard.  Shit gets really hairy when the teachers see him fleeing the apartment.  This leads to a high speed chase between a Ford Taurus and a dirt bike.  Apparently the breaks are fucked on the car and they floor it into the water.  Cody escapes…. for now.  The teachers start scheming to deal with the problem.

The three teachers fuck his brother up royaly and make it look like the Razorheads did it.  The Blackhearts, Razorheads, and teachers all get into a shootout and fuck each other up.  At the end of the battle, Cody unloads into a teacher and comes to the realization that they aren’t human.  His gun is useless, so he gets the fuck out of there.

You think Cody calls up Sonny to meet at the school.  Sonny trusts Cody “like a vampire giving him a blowjob.”  The teachers use Sonny’s voice to make it sound like the Razorheads kidnapped Cody’s old lady.  He doesn’t fall for it.  He now knows the teachers are setting them all up.  Cody talks to Sonny and they unite against the teachers.  After blowing the front door up, the gangs storm the school on their dirtbikes.  Cody and Sonny find Pam Grier first.  Sonny unloads into her tits, but she laughs it off.  Then she activates her XT-6 hardware.  They book it.  Pam Grier has a flamethrower, the Sandman from Death Warrant has rockets, and “Always the hard way” from Delta Force 2 has a claw.  It’s not hard to tell who got the shaft in that deal.  It’s not even a cool claw.  It also has a 2 inch drill bit in the middle that makes up for nothing.  As the teacher with the claw tries to molest Cody’s face with his faggy claw, Cody puts a gun in his mouth and blows the back of his head off.  They blow Pam Grier up by throwing an axe into her fuel cell.  Cody says, “I hear you, you mechanical bitch” and hurls the axe from across the room.  Nice shot!  Sonny uses evasive maneuvers to distract Death Warrant guy.  He hops around to distract him while Cody drives a school bus up his ass.  They think he is dead, but he isn’t.  Although, he is seriously fucked up.  The bus burnt one side of his face and turned the other side into rubber.  Stacy Keach shows up with Cody’s girl as a human shield.  Stacy Keach shoots Sonny when he tries to throw a hunk of shit at him.  What Stacy Keach doesn’t realize is that the fucked up teacher has gone ape shit.  He sneaks up from behind and punches a hole through Stacy Keach’s chest.  He then turns towards the girl.  As he is about to fondle her, Cody drives a forklift through him.  As he is stuck on the fork, Cody some how twists a chain around his neck and pops his head off.  He pokes his girlfriend and another awesome song plays.
This is the song: Come the day

Class of 1999 trailer: