Moonbase (1997)

Feels like you are trapped on the moon with no dick to entertain yourself.

You know you are in for a special brand of pain when the opening credits take 10 goddamn minutes. 

Moonbase followed the seldom successful business model of irritating the shit out of people to sell their product.  After the 10 minute list of bullshit actors to start the movie, you get an hour and half of eerie shitty sound that will make you want to stab your ears with a dollar store cotton swab.  Maybe they didn’t want to take away from the poetic dialogue this list of rejects spew out.  Help you and everyone else by signing a petition to ban synthesizers in space.

The story of Moonbase offers hope of a spectacular B movie, until you start watching, then that hope is immediately quashed.  A bunch of assholes escape a space penitentiary, stow away on a transport to a shit factory on the moon, then try to blow up earth with nukes hidden beneath the planet.  I know, it sounds awesome.  It isn’t.  You really get to experience what a mundane everyday life would be like on a moon base.  Nothing fucking happens.  It is so painfully boring for three quarters of the movie, and then you get a shitty battle between the perps hiding in the shit plant and the base commanders side.  Needless to say, everything about the fight sucked.  You may be surprised to know that Commander John prevents nuclear annihilation.  Spoiler alert. 

This movie is far from the who’s who of B movie stars.  You pretty much have the guy from No Holds Barred and Gretchen Palmer.  That poor bastard is exactly what you would draw, if you were asked to draw a pedophile.  If your kids sell cookies, I would skip his house, or they may end up buried in the basement.  I don’t know what dumbass decided Gretchen Palmer was the broad for the role of a badass convict/terrorist.  It’s completely unbelievable.  A black convict in space?  What kind of dipshit is going to believe that?

A positive part of the movie was the dream girl hologram buddy was pulling his wire to.  Don’t worry, you only have to see her.  Except when the suit from No Holds Barred programs it to be buddies mother.  He screams like a little bitch, instead of shutting it off.  I think he finished.

The movie had potential, and the special effects weren’t horrible for this type of 90’s turd, but somehow they fucked it all up.  Steer clear of Moonbase, unless you get off on torturing yourself.  Even then, pulling your cord with a belt tied around your neck would be preferable to this movie.

Moonbase Trailer:

Class of 1999 (1990)

How did I not see this movie before?  Maybe I did and it blew that part of my mind away.

Talk about the who’s who of  “hey,  it’s that fucking guy” actors.  Malcolm McDowell has done some pretty sweet movies.  This is no exception.

Class of 1999 tells a great story about a teacher that is transferred to a troubled high school and is expected to clean it up.  The students have disciplinary problems that prove to be quite challenging.  Through sheer determination and genuine love for the students, the teacher manages to reach these troubled youth.  If this sounds pretty awesome to you, go rent Lean on Me or Dangerous Minds, because this movie is way less faggy. 

The United States has turned into a complete shithole.  Gang violence has taken over the schools.  So much that the major schools and surrounding areas are free-fire zones that the police will not enter.  Kennedy High is located in a free-fire zone.  To try and deal with the little punks that rule the free-fire zones, the Department of Educational Defense devises a plan to fuck shit up.

Stacy Keach (He’s a dude with a broads name) modifies three battledroids to infiltrate the school as teachers.  This movie is worth seeing just for the mullet that Stacy Keach is rocking.  It may only be rivaled by the mullet on the Bozz in Stone Cold.  These aren’t your average run of the mill teachers.  They have combat training and they aren’t afraid to use it in the name of discipline.  Pam Grier beats the hell out of three gang bangers trying to sell drugs in her class.  Another teacher spanks the shit out of two mooks for fighting.  This hands on approach seems to be working quite well, until they revert back to their combat programming and take shit too far.  They start killing mouthy little cunts for minor offences.  They lose their shit and someone is going to have to stop them, but who?  Cody Culp, that’s who!

Cody gets released from prison and is forced to return to school as part of his parole.  To the surprise of his gang buddies, he intends to meet the conditions of his parole.  This does not sit well with his old gang.  On the way to his first day of school, Cody takes a route through Razorheads territory.  He disrespects their leader, Sonny and a high speed car chase ensues through piles of cardboard and garbage.   They manage to lose Sonny when flips his shitbox on a heap of garbage. 

As Cody witnesses more and more violence from the teachers, he realizes something is up.  
One of the teachers kills his buddy when he pulls a gun out.  Another teacher causes a dealer to overdose on his own drugs.  Cody searches the teachers place for answers.  He finds it quite odd that there is only fuel cells and WD-40 in the cupboard.  Shit gets really hairy when the teachers see him fleeing the apartment.  This leads to a high speed chase between a Ford Taurus and a dirt bike.  Apparently the breaks are fucked on the car and they floor it into the water.  Cody escapes…. for now.  The teachers start scheming to deal with the problem.

The three teachers fuck his brother up royaly and make it look like the Razorheads did it.  The Blackhearts, Razorheads, and teachers all get into a shootout and fuck each other up.  At the end of the battle, Cody unloads into a teacher and comes to the realization that they aren’t human.  His gun is useless, so he gets the fuck out of there.

You think Cody calls up Sonny to meet at the school.  Sonny trusts Cody “like a vampire giving him a blowjob.”  The teachers use Sonny’s voice to make it sound like the Razorheads kidnapped Cody’s old lady.  He doesn’t fall for it.  He now knows the teachers are setting them all up.  Cody talks to Sonny and they unite against the teachers.  After blowing the front door up, the gangs storm the school on their dirtbikes.  Cody and Sonny find Pam Grier first.  Sonny unloads into her tits, but she laughs it off.  Then she activates her XT-6 hardware.  They book it.  Pam Grier has a flamethrower, the Sandman from Death Warrant has rockets, and “Always the hard way” from Delta Force 2 has a claw.  It’s not hard to tell who got the shaft in that deal.  It’s not even a cool claw.  It also has a 2 inch drill bit in the middle that makes up for nothing.  As the teacher with the claw tries to molest Cody’s face with his faggy claw, Cody puts a gun in his mouth and blows the back of his head off.  They blow Pam Grier up by throwing an axe into her fuel cell.  Cody says, “I hear you, you mechanical bitch” and hurls the axe from across the room.  Nice shot!  Sonny uses evasive maneuvers to distract Death Warrant guy.  He hops around to distract him while Cody drives a school bus up his ass.  They think he is dead, but he isn’t.  Although, he is seriously fucked up.  The bus burnt one side of his face and turned the other side into rubber.  Stacy Keach shows up with Cody’s girl as a human shield.  Stacy Keach shoots Sonny when he tries to throw a hunk of shit at him.  What Stacy Keach doesn’t realize is that the fucked up teacher has gone ape shit.  He sneaks up from behind and punches a hole through Stacy Keach’s chest.  He then turns towards the girl.  As he is about to fondle her, Cody drives a forklift through him.  As he is stuck on the fork, Cody some how twists a chain around his neck and pops his head off.  He pokes his girlfriend and another awesome song plays.
This is the song: Come the day

Class of 1999 trailer:

Antibody (2002)

Lance Henriksen is good, but this movie is not good…  it’s fucking fantastic!

I totally forgot that there was a time machine in Innerspace.  Just when you thought Martin Short could not be more of a total douche bag, he does this.  I can’t believe he traveled forward in time to rip this movie off.  How low can you sink?  The idea of shrinking a ship and injecting it into someone’s body is brilliant.  Lance Henriksen would not be in this if they didn’t think of it first.  Fuck you Martin Short.  I hate your guts.

Everything is tits for Richard Gaynes (Lance Henriksen).  He has a sweet job with the bureau, a fugly daughter that loves him, and a 12 inch cock.  Life is just peachy until….

Gaynes is sent in to diffuse a bomb at the Russian Embassy.  He arrives on the scene and instantly makes some Fed. feel like a total fucking retard.  This guy knows fuck all about bombs, so Gaynes takes charge.  This is not your run-of-the-mill Afghan IED.  This thing is rigged with some really sophisticated shit.  When they blow cigarette smoke on it, it reveals a rather intricate laser network that will trigger the bomb if tampered with.  One false move and the bomb blows the fuck out of everyone inside.  Gaynes makes a judgment call.  He doesn’t have enough time to disarm the bomb.  All of a sudden Habib comes stumbling into the picture.  He is armed and muttering some crazy Arab shit.  Gaynes tells the crazy fuck to drop his gun, but he doesn’t listen.  Gaynes unloads in Habib.  This shithead is dead as a doornail.  When they check his gun it’s empty.  Why would this crazy have an empty firearm?  Shit registers with Gaynes.  Oh fuck!  The bomb is rigged to Habib’s vital signs.  Get the fuck out!  Gaynes just makes it out in time, but there is hell to pay.  They need a scapegoat, so they pin the whole thing on Gaynes.

1 year passes.  Gaynes is kicked out of the Bureau and now runs a private security firm.  While he is enjoying some grub on a patio, some whore recognizes him.  It turns out it’s the same reporter that made it look like he was at fault for the bomb going off one year prior.  She expects him to do a follow-up interview about the bombing.  Not happening.  Where does this bitch get off?  Instead, Gaynes revokes her press access for the upcoming event he is running the security for.

I’m sure the security is just precautionary, right?  Wrong!  Terrorist assholes have infiltrated the building.  Some French cunt loses it when some asshole fucks up his Bisk.  When he reams him out, the guy shoots him dead.  Shit has began to go down.  Normally Henriksen would stroll in and TCB, but it turns out that the terrorist has a detonator microchip inside his body.  The bomb goes off if anyone kills him.  What to do?  This is definitely a prickly one.  Gaynes and his buddy (leader of the Cobra Kai in The Karate Kid) bust in and shoot the shit out of all the henchmen.  They seriously fuck up the leader, but they don’t kill him.

Luckily for Gaynes, there is an experimental project that can shrink a ship subhuman.  They strap the psycho down and prepare to inject themselves into his body.  Gaynes, some Russian broad, Shaka Zulu, and another chubby asshole board the ship.  They shrink it down and inject it into the bloodstream.  Now it is time to get down to business.  They have to travel through the veins and find the microchip.  Sounds easy enough, doesn’t it?  It’s not.  All of a sudden they are under attack.  It’s Whites!  White blood cells are attacking the ship from every direction.  it’s a good thing the ship is armed with laser beams and pulse cannons.  They manage to fight off the initial wave of Whites, but not before the only looker on the ship eats it.  It’s not over yet.  How will they survive another attack?  I’ve got it!  They can inject AIDS, Tuberculosis, or another illness into the body.  The only problem is that no one is sick in the lab.  There isn’t even a fag that they can extract some AIDS from.  Just when it seems hopeless, Cobra Kai walks in hacking up shit all over the goddamn place.  This sick fuck does the trick.  The Whites go after the virus when injected into the vein.  Thank god.

Oh dear god.  Mr. Terrorist is dying on the table.  If he dies it’s curtains for everyone.  They are going to have to reverse the polarity of the guns and create a giant electro-magnate.  This will prevent the bomb from triggering when they shock the bastard.  Thank fuck it works.  Now they can concentrate on defusing the detonator.  Gaynes uses a combination of educated guesses and blind luck to figure out the code.  He defuses  it with no time to spare.

The bomb is rendered useless and now it’s clear sailing.  Haha just fucking with you.  They come under attack again.  Not by Whites, but by skin mites this time.  I don’t know why this dirtball has skin mites swimming around in his veins, but they are there nonetheless.  They latch onto Gaynes ship and put it in serious jeopardy when they use there anus-mouths to break through the hull.  Just when shit is about to be fucked, Shaka Zulu uses the main ship to ram the skin mite off of Henriksen.  She blows the ship up and just narrowly escapes with an escape pod.  Job well done.  The Doc inserts a needle for the ship to drive in and exit the body.  It’s just too bad that the damn terrorist wakes up.  He loses it!  It’s a good thing Cobra Kai is there to shoot him.  He should be so lucky to have Lance Henriksen inside him.

It’s over.  Henriksen nails Shaka Zulu, reintegrates, and lives happily ever after.  What a wild ride that was.

Antibody Trailer: