Moonbase (1997)

Feels like you are trapped on the moon with no dick to entertain yourself.

You know you are in for a special brand of pain when the opening credits take 10 goddamn minutes. 

Moonbase followed the seldom successful business model of irritating the shit out of people to sell their product.  After the 10 minute list of bullshit actors to start the movie, you get an hour and half of eerie shitty sound that will make you want to stab your ears with a dollar store cotton swab.  Maybe they didn’t want to take away from the poetic dialogue this list of rejects spew out.  Help you and everyone else by signing a petition to ban synthesizers in space.

The story of Moonbase offers hope of a spectacular B movie, until you start watching, then that hope is immediately quashed.  A bunch of assholes escape a space penitentiary, stow away on a transport to a shit factory on the moon, then try to blow up earth with nukes hidden beneath the planet.  I know, it sounds awesome.  It isn’t.  You really get to experience what a mundane everyday life would be like on a moon base.  Nothing fucking happens.  It is so painfully boring for three quarters of the movie, and then you get a shitty battle between the perps hiding in the shit plant and the base commanders side.  Needless to say, everything about the fight sucked.  You may be surprised to know that Commander John prevents nuclear annihilation.  Spoiler alert. 

This movie is far from the who’s who of B movie stars.  You pretty much have the guy from No Holds Barred and Gretchen Palmer.  That poor bastard is exactly what you would draw, if you were asked to draw a pedophile.  If your kids sell cookies, I would skip his house, or they may end up buried in the basement.  I don’t know what dumbass decided Gretchen Palmer was the broad for the role of a badass convict/terrorist.  It’s completely unbelievable.  A black convict in space?  What kind of dipshit is going to believe that?

A positive part of the movie was the dream girl hologram buddy was pulling his wire to.  Don’t worry, you only have to see her.  Except when the suit from No Holds Barred programs it to be buddies mother.  He screams like a little bitch, instead of shutting it off.  I think he finished.

The movie had potential, and the special effects weren’t horrible for this type of 90’s turd, but somehow they fucked it all up.  Steer clear of Moonbase, unless you get off on torturing yourself.  Even then, pulling your cord with a belt tied around your neck would be preferable to this movie.

Moonbase Trailer:

Space Truckers (1996)

Redneck Fucks in outer space!

This is the movie you walked past in the video store a million times.  It always caught your eye, but the risk of it being complete shit was too high.  You pussied out then, because you are a big pussy, so don’t pussy out now.  You will never get over, or stop being a pussy, until you remedy the problem.  You must watch Space Truckers, or you could end up being a pussy for the rest of your pathetic life… Pussy!

Dennis Hopper stars, George Wendt dies early (thank fuck!), and Stephen Dorff holds his own.  You could match up Dennis Hopper with any old asshole and I would still say that the cast was out-fucking-standing!  He has done so many shitacular movies, I feel like I owe him head.  That is a debt that I will gladly renege on.  I assume he pounds twenty year old ass anyways.

Dennis Hopper is the go to guy when you need some shit trucked in space.  This guy is fucking good.  He may not be the cheapest, but if you want your shit busted up, hire some other asshole.  Hire a space Mexican.  He will guarantee that your shit is late and broke as fuck.  George Wendt doesn't want his shit broke as fuck, so he goes with Dennis Hopper.  Good choice, George.  What isn’t a good choice, is trying to fuck over the Den for Men.  George Wendt is a retard and tries to short pay Dennis Hopper.  Asshole!  Dennis, do you mind if I call you Big D?  Okay!  Big D will have none of Wendt’s bullshit and busts his goon in the mouth.  Wendt tucks his balls between his legs and scurries away.  But the fat fuck isn’t done yet!  When Big D is macking some young piece of ass, Wendt hijacks his load.  Now Big D is up shit creek without a paddle.  He is forced to take a high risk job hauling some super-secret-cargo-shit.  But not before Wendt compromises the space stations hull integrity, and he has his fat ass sucked through a window no bigger than a midgets fat fucking head.  Big D has also teamed up with Stephen Dorff and some young candy by this point.

After Big D leaves the station and loses some pesky bears, his rig breaks down in the middle of but-fuck nowhere.  The outer space version of.  Shit couldn’t get any worse... until they start running out of oxygen.  Now they are fucked for sure.  Big D goes on a space walk to try and solve the problem.  During this time, that piece of shit Stephen Dorff tries to rail Big D’s woman.  He uses some lame-ass excuse about it being too hot.  Just so he can drop his drawers.  What a two faced fuck!

Just as Big D is about to meet his maker, miracle shit happens.  Some space hick in a Peterbilt pulls up to Big D.  If it isn’t Will T. Riker!  Riker, looking all suave with his stellar beard, solves an impossible situation.  Just like he has countless times before.  Fuck yeah!  Now Riker and Big D are hauling loads together!  Obviously this makes it difficult to contain your shit.  You have just been mind fucked by your excitement.

Obviously no one is dumb enough to fuck with a duo like Big D and Riker... except maybe one person.  Or many that operate as one.  You guessed it!  The Borg!  The Borg show up in the biggest, most powerfull, badass rig Riker or Big D have ever seen.  This beaver trap is decked out!  They show up shooting green shit and try to jack both loads.  Well, fuck that!  Neither Big D nor Riker has ever lost a load to space pirates and they aren’t about to start now.  They slam the pedal to the goddamn floorboards and try to outrun those cyborg fucks.  These guys can fucking drive!  But the Borg rig is too fast.  Riker CB‘s Big D and says, “That Harvey Wallbanger is at our back door.”  It disables Big D and Riker’s rig and then tracto beams their rigs into its own trailer.  How fucking cool is that!?

It looks like it’s all over for my boys.  They might as well surrender... Pfffff!  Do you have shit for brains!?  Big D throws on a meshback and torn wranglers.  Riker throws on a plaid button-up and He-Mans the sleeves off.  Then they both grab a tire iron with bad intentions.  They are going to show the Borg that no one fucks with Dixie.  No one!  They strut their way through the Borg rig smashing every tin fuck in site.  The Borg is learning a valuable lesson.  Don’t mess with a space-hick.  They will fuck your shit up.  Big D and Riker crush the Borg and then wire the rig to blow.  They free their trucks and get the hell out of there, just before... KABLAMO!!!!  There is green shit everywhere!  Big D and Riker look back and admire their handy work.  Then Riker says over the CB, “10-10 till we do it again.  We gone.”  Big D and Riker part ways to deliver their shit.

How fucking great does this movie sound!?  Awesome!  I fell asleep halfway through the movie, but I assume that everything I wrote is as exactly as it happened.  I can’t think of a reason why Riker wouldn’t show up.

Prove me wrong.

Space Truckers Trailer:

The Ice Pirates (1984)

If you have zero taste in movies, you will love this hunk of shit.

I read reviews of this movie before I was willing to spend an hour and a half watching it.  Dipshits related it to Spaceballs and had me actually think that there could be funny parts.  One idiot on IMDB says, “This has to be one of the funniest sci-fi spoofs ever made.”  Clearly this person has an IQ of 30 and pisses their pants on a regular basis.  Without knowing this person, I am positive that they are a huge Robin Williams fan.  Basically, this movie is an hour and a half of Robin Williams jokes.  This is a portrait of a douche bag:

This movie is a constant shit-barrage of lame jokes.  Trust me.  If you think it’s just me, watch this shit.  If you end up liking it, your sense of humour is pathetic and you don’t deserve to live. 

Maybe it’s a movie the whole family can watch.  What about that?  Nope.  If you catch your kids watching this, God help them.  This movie is why parental control was invented.  Let them watch softcore instead.  Let’s say you come home from a hard day of work.  You put in your eight hours at your nine-to-fiver and are looking to relax with your perfect little family in your perfect little home.  You walk in the door and say, “honey, I’m home.  What’s on the stove?  It smells delicious!”  This triggers your typical conversation:
Susan - “Peter, I made you your favourite!”
Peter - “Pot Roast!  I love you dear.”
Peter - “How long until it’s ready?  Do I have time to have a shower and change for dinner?”
Susan - “It’s going to be about a half an hour.”
Peter - “Thanks, Hun.  When I get back, I want to hear all about your day”

20 minutes later.

Susan - “Rachael!  Thomas!  Wash up for dinner.  Your dad is going to be down any second.”
Thomas - “Out of my way, slut!”
Rachael - “Mom!  Thomas pushed me.”
Susan - “Thomas, don’t push your sister.  Behave, or I will tell your father.”
Peter - “This looks fantastic!  Kids, how was school?”
Susan - “Rachael and Thomas stayed home today”
Susan - “They are running a fever.”
Peter - “Oh, that’s too bad.  I hope you feel better.”
Peter - “Did you kids get lots of rest?  What did you do all day?”
Thomas - “We slept in and we watched a movie.”
Rachael - “Yeah, it was really funny.  We watched The Ice Pirates.”
Peter - “You what!”
Rachael - “We watched a movie called The Ice Pirates!”
Peter - “Fuck me!  Susan, you let them watch that movie!?
Susan - “Honey, please don’t swear around the children.”
Peter - “You stupid bitch!  Do you realise what you’ve done!?”
Susan - “Peter, you’re scaring me.”

SLAP!

Peter - “How could you let them watch that hunk of shit!?”

Susan, Thomas, and Rachael obviously start crying.  Pussies.

Susan - “What’s wrong?  It’s just a movie.  It was rated PG and I thought they would find it funny.”
Peter - “They did find it funny!  You have turned our innocent children into closet homosexuals!”
Peter - “The next thing you know, Thomas will be trying on his sisters panties and Rachael will be sniffing yours!”
Peter - “I leave the house and the whole fucking operation goes to shit!”
Susan - “I’m sorry.  I never knew.”
Peter - “You never knew?  You stupid son of a bitch!”
Peter - “Are you fucking retarded!  You might as well let them watch Mrs. Doubtfire”
Susan - “Yeah, that’s a funny movie.”
Peter - “You Fuck!  That’s it!”
Susan - “Peter don’t!”

CRACK!

Peter - “Look what you made me do.  Look it!”
Thomas - “We are sorry daddy.”
Peter - “Sorry?  I’ll be goddamned if I’m going to have a couple of queers living under my roof”
Peter - “there is only one way to fix this situation.”

If you catch your kids watching The Ice Pirates, only a steady dose of 80’s Schwarzenegger and Stallone movies can cure them.  Throw in a little Lionheart and you have yourself one hell of a cocktail.  It’s sure to cure any homosexual tendencies. 

The Ice Pirates Trailer:

Dollman (1991)

Holy Fuck!  What a movie!

Tim Thomerson is so fucking great, it's ridiculous.  He comes from the planet Arturus where he fucks dudes up for a living.  He doesn't use faggy ninja kicks or homo-erotic karate chops either.  You see, Thomerson packs the most powerful handgun in the universe.  He displays just how powerful it is when he turns two dirty motherfuckers into mud.  They were the henchmen of a flying head that Thomerson blew the body off of.  The flying head tells Thomerson he has a dimensional bomb and is going to ransom the city.  This is when the henchmen try to kill Thomerson and end up facked.  When the flying head realizes that he shouldn't have fucked with Thomerson, he hovers his queer head into a spaceship and jets.  Clearly, Thomerson isn't going to let someone so gay escape him.  He jumps into a spaceship and tracks that fucker down.

The flying head and Thomerson end up crash landing on earth.  More specifically, they crash land in the South Bronx.  Clearly this area is packed full of Blacks and greasy Hispanics and is not somewhere you want to visit.  Unless you enjoy being robbed or gang raped, then it's your kind of place.  It wouldn't be such a big deal for Thomerson.  He's packing way too much sac for any mulletard Hispanics to fuck with.  All that would be left of them is a grease stain on their dirty Dickies jacket.  There is only one problem.  The people on Arturus are tiny compared to people on earth.  It looks like the dirty fuckers are going to pose more of a problem than previously expected.

Like usual, two Hispanics try and rape some chick.  Just before they can get their dicks wet, Thomerson pulls out his piece and blasts the dirty little bastards.  Thankful she didn't get penetrated by a Mexican, she brings Thomerson back to her place to stay.  Obviously she wants a full body fuck from Thomerson, but he has primo pussy on speed dial.  He doesn't have to settle for a dirty immy.  But he does stay at her place with her dipshit kid.

The flying head also has a run in with a couple of mulletards.  He bribes them into helping him kill Thomerson by providing them with the dimensional bomb.  Smart move, asshole!  They end up grinding him into paste and taking the bomb.

Now it's Thomerson's turn, if they can find the time between their chimichangas, siestas, and dope dealing.  They try and hunt Thomerson down, but get blasted at every encounter.  No matter how many times Thomerson fucks them up, they never learn.  Thirteen inches or thirteen feet, it doesn't matter.  Thomerson is the toughest man in the universe.  If you fuck with him, you will get fucked.  If you want to be a poser, go buy a trench coat, wicked eighties shades, queer-stomping boots, and dye your hair white.  Then you will also look tougher than a five pound shit.  You will also get mad pussy.

After they get raped by Thomerson, they go after the slut instead.  They kidnap her and most likely pound her puss.  This makes Thomerson even angrier.  He starts blowing everything up.  It's "urban fucking renewal!"

Thomerson ends up finding the slut and has his final showdown with the greasy Hispanics.  Obviously they aren't going to do much against Thomerson and he seriously fucks them all up.

A good movie with a hero from another planet?  It's about fucking time.  Tim Thomerson is so much better than some tights wearing faggot from Krypton, or group of tin assholes butchered by Michael Bay.  He's thirteen inches tall, not twenty-eight feet, and he still gets shit done.

 

Dollman Trailer:

The Last Starfighter (1984)

It's a funny story Regis. A similar thing happened to me.

Did I ever tell you guy's about the time I was abruptly abducted by space aliens? What a time that was, I tell ya! They locked on to me with what I would later find out was a Jinstar model 2000X tracto-beam. As I was being transported to their mother ship, I was terrified as I looked down upon the world with the realization of what a fragile existence we have. I didn't know what was going to happen to me next. As I approached the porthole in the alien vessel, I fashioned a makeshift stabbing weapon by positioning my keys between my 2nd and 3rd knuckles. I was prepared to use this as soon as an opportunity presented itself. To my surprise, my captors greeted me with a wondrous look of amazement on their face (as if human anatomy applied to these creatures). I was greeted with offerings of what turned out to be "food" and "drink". The food was an almost gelatin like substance served on green pieces of some sort of unfamiliar plant life. I later found out that this was a delicacy on their planet and it was referred to as "Zanga Fruit". The liquid had the look of water, but I found myself unable to persuade my curiosity to sample these offerings. I was then led away from the cargohold of the ship, and onto the bridge of the alien vessel. I was greeted by their leader as he said to me, through a universal translator, "Welcome my friend. This whole experience must be very traumatizing for you. You can be sure that we are a friendly race. My name is Pleetor and I am the commander of this vessel, the Kreetorian 4. We have traveled great distance from the planet Zofar, home of the Blingar people, in search of the earthling known as Adam." I then summoned the courage to ask Pleetor, "Pleetor, you honor me with your hospitality, but I must ask what your purpose for abducting me is?" To which Pleetor replied, "I am sorry for this unexpected visit, but believe me when I say that it was imperative that we find you as soon as possible. What I'm going to tell you may sound insane, but you are the universes only hope. Please sit down and I will explain everything to you." As I sat down Pleetor explained everything exactly as he had promised. Apparently, two earth months earlier a space pirate, by the name of Sultron, stole a TSX model 1.7 deathray. A weapon with this much destructive power falling into the wrong hands is of critical importance. As the Zofar High Council debated the actions necessary to deal with Sultron, a Blingar by the name of Zolax told a tale of a boy who was found on the planet Earth, that had the necessary ability, and willingness to leave his home planet, and fight for the fate of the universe. The boy was picked over all others because of his superior skill at a video game, that was actually a flight simulator for an alien attack ship. It was he who destroyed the evil Sultron, and saved the universe approx. 30 years earlier. Until two months ago, everyone thought Sultron was dead. Zolax proceeded to inform the Zofar High Council of the movie "The Last Sarfighter" that was based on this historic event. Like this boy, apparently I was the next chosen Starfighter. So what did I do when faced with this decision? That's easy. I agreed to follow in the footsteps of the legendary Starfighter before me, and risk my life to save the universe. We departed our solar system in a brilliant flash of light, and in no time at all we were in the galaxy Omecron 3. When I started to worry about the inevitable battle that was approaching, Pleetor took it upon himself/herself to comfort me, by telling a rather humorous anecdote, about a Destron Gama beast and Blingar High Councilor caught in a rather unflattering situation. Haha, it's still funny to think of it now, but I'm not going to get into that. Our laughter was short lived because just then the dreaded Sultron appeared off our port side. His ship was massive, well armed, and the pinnacle of Blingar technology. Pleetor immediately yelled to his crew, "shields up! Arm matter displacement cannons 4 through 9 and show our savior to his ship!" I and twelve other Blingar fighter pilots, ran to the hangar, and I jumped in the cockpit of a beta class Blingar Interceptor. This ship was amazing. It had 4 Triberian blaster cannons, trigalonite shield panels covering the hull, and the fastest engine the Blingar have ever produced for the Interceptor. It was quite impressive. We bolted from the Kreetorian 4 and engaged the enemy squadrons. We attacked in an echelon formation and destroyed 6 enemy Zeelon bombers in the first pass. The Zeelon class bomber was a slow, but powerful ship, not to be taken lightly. As we approached Sultrons vessel, we were caught off guard courtesy of a number of HSK Scatter Cannons. We lost 4 ships as a result. I took evasive maneuvers and managed to get within firing range of Sultrons ship. I launched a Blingar borilium armed missile into the hull of the ship, and blew a hole in it that was just bigger than my vessel. I then evaded a squadron of Zeelon fighter class attack ships, and I flew my Blingar Interceptor into Sultrons ship. I managed to get a Blingar borilium bomb into the inside of the ship, and then got the hell out of there. As I distanced myself from the ship, it blew with one hell of an explosion. I docked back in the Kreetorian 4 and was greeted with a celebration like nothing I have ever experienced before. We all drank some sort of synthohol called "Gleetax Ale" and in hindsight I think I may have overdid it.

 

Trailer: The Last Starfighter