Kill Crazy (1990)

This movie is shittier than the inside of Dom DeLuise's colon!

Kids, let me take you back to a more wholesome time. Back in the 1980's, cable wasn't great. People went to the video store and rented VHS tapes. You'd watch 6 or 7 movies a week. They didn't have to be good movies, they'd still get watched. Typically, if a movie had any HINT of action, say.... a crazy dude on the cover with a headband and a gun.... it would get your attention. We didn't have the internet to read a review. We trusted our eyes. By the cover, this movie looks awesome... but it sucks shit.

Anyway, I dug a VCR out of the closet that was left in my place by a former tenant. Hooked it up. BOOBIES! there was a vhs porno inside. I went and washed my hands.

Okay, so these shell-shocked Vietnam vets are allowed out of their nut ward for a weekend camping trip. They are the most pussified vets I have ever seen. They seem about as hard as a cock in front of a naked Rosie O'Donnel. On the way into the woods they're singing she'll be coming around the mountain.... BUT THEN!!!!! they spark a J. SO badass.

When they get settled in and camping, they light a fire and we get this gem "I come from a long line of weenie roasters... my dad used to roast his weenie in my mom every night". I tell you, that was funny.

Sometimes, directors will use a flashback to build background into a story. Our hero, Jim Anderson, has a flashback of 'nam while sitting around the fire - EXCEPT IT DOESN'T SHOW THE FLASHBACK, JUST HIM STARING INTO SPACE! LAME!

Morning comes and one of their lads is missing. Another wanders into the woods and sees him hung from a tree dead. He then gets whacked. Jim and the other remaining 3 nut jobs decide to get the fuck out of dodge. Just as they're about clear, the come upon a closed gate and are rounded up by a Militia. The leader of the militia, Mallerd, let's them know that they're going to be target practice. He outfits them with weapons and gives them an hour head start to run into the mountains. This is very difficult for the whiny fat annoying fuck that talks like a stupid bitch. Oh, p.s., the militia is called "The New Force - the white arm of the neglected law" HAHAHAHA. Fuck me.

The movie now gets some potential. We see two girls heading into the mountains to camp. They don't immediately disrobe, so I find myself hardly watching the movie again.

Okay, so the militia starts hunting down the nuts from the mental hospital. Assholes from vet hospital - campers - running into mountains to hide, they're under fire, oh the humanity, flashbacks to nam! no flashback though, just the idea of it, ahhhhh electrical fence, one down, oh no! ahhhh! nooooo ... FINALLY we get flashback, charlie taking aim, no, no, no, no, no ahhhhh!

Jim runs away and everyone else is captured, but Jim is caught by some skinny dweeb that makes him choose between getting shot or launching off a cliff. He jumps off cliff and faceplants. Haha, we are to believe it killed him, for time being. Blah blah blah, the captured dudes are being tortured. yawn.

MOTHERFUCKER, HE DIDN'T DIE IN FALL OFF CLIFF, NOW HE'S FUCKIN OUT FOR REVENGE! WHAT A PIECE OF SHIT! HE stumbles to water and seems okay. The girls hear someone nearby! it's our nut-ward hero! Who are you? they ask. Anderson, I didn't mean to scare you, I just smelt some food, and I... ughhh, he passes out and later wakes up crying like a nut, oh its a dream, they assume he's a soldier and - cut to morning - they feed him breakfast. Oh comedy, he doesn't want it because it's shittily cooked and when they aren't looking he feeds the food to the DOG HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA.

TITTIES! holy! - the girl looks like Angela from Who's the Boss, and we see HER TITS! oh my, Danza, you lucky bastard! Fuck, get on with the revenge already. If I wanted to see tits i'd just throw the shitty 1980's VHS porn back in.

I'll be fucked if the militia doesn't find them. Dude comes and starts getting his rapin' on with Rachel, the other girl stumbles in and the dude whacks Rachel and captures the other gal. We are left pondering if he finished or not.

Anderson decides he's going to rescue everyone and goes to where they're held prisoner but, just as he's about to free them, a bad guy gets the jump and wastes another of his buddies. The annoying fat friend tells Jim that he was raped. I don't believe him and neither will a judge, so he better just keep his mouth shut. This movie is so bad. Anyway, Jim frees the chick, the fat fuck, and a black dude (who is wounded and on a stretcher. They find the girls truck, but it won't start. Like every fucking time a car won't start, the distributor has been fucked up.

Are you on the edge of your seat reading this! IT'S FUCKING INTENSE!

In case you wondered, Jim Anderson lets us know that Vietnam is like dying every day and going to hell. GRENADE!!!!! SOMEONE THREW A GRENADE!!!!! black guy rolls on it and dies, and then the fat fuck is KILLED. IT'S CRAZY! JUST JIM AND THE CHICK ARE LEFT AND JIM GOES KILL CRAZY!!!!!!

This is awful.

Celery bustin' fist fight ensues. It's trouble. JIM GOES KILL CRAZY AGAIN AND KILLS TWO MORE DUDES! Mallerd butt ends him and he's down. AHAHAHAHAHAHAH, they bury him alive, but he's rescued when the girls pet dog digs him up, hahahahahahahahaha. This is absurd, it's so absurd it's awesome - psyche! MORE RAPE! Guy gets his rape on with who's the boss, she's a biter, he's a nerd. This is so bad. It's making me cry.

HE IS FUCKING KILL CRAZY, HE IS KILLING THEM ALL! THEY MESSED WITH THE WRONG PSYCHE PATIENT. OH MY WORD! When the leaping shotgun blast to the chest from 50 yards kills a guy, you know it's on.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA "If you bury a man you sure better make sure he's dead" pure rip-off from hang em high! Cut to combat roll and shooting a guy from 4 feet. This is so action packed! AND BAD! I blanked out, but everyone is dead but our hero and his chick.

"You want a definition of sympathy? you'll find it in the dictionary between shit and syphallis". Jim kills Mallerd and that's a rap. Jim and Chick get married and fuck a bunch. We don't see this though... here's hoping for part two. I say call it "Kill Crazy 2: Still Crazy".

That's it. That's the movie. IT IS AWESOME!

Cyborg Cop 2 (1994)

You thought he was dead... You were wrong.  Dead wrong.


David Fucking Bradley!

Hahahahahaha!  This movie sucks so much that it's great!  The opening 20 minutes is a slow motion scene where a truck drives around a warehouse blowing people up. Add the cheesiest music to the cheesiest scene and there you have it.  Cyborg Cop 2 is fucked!  Every time David Bradley does something heroic, the same shitty music plays.  That’s not the worst part.  Picture yourself at some hick country bar.  Some tough guy rolls up on his hog like he owns the goddamn place.  He gets off his bike with a “fuck you” look on his face.  This is when you pan down and notice that tough guy is wearing the gayest accessory that anyone could possibly wear.

A fucking fanny pack!  They really nailed the wardrobe in this movie.  I guess David Bradley didn’t like the uncomfortable feeling of a wallet in his pocket, while riding his bike.  Not to mention, you can store your gum, Chap Stick, keys, and anything else that needs storing.  It’s convenience knows no bounds.  The fanny pack will plague you the whole movie.  Every time David Bradley tries to show how badass he is, his gay little fanny pack undermines everything he says.

Jack Ryan has to battle a group of anti-terrorist cyborgs gone bad.  This is no easy task, but luckily he enlists the help of his cowboy buddy.  It’s too bad he ends up getting his in the end.  The cyborgs hate cowboys and really fuck him up.

These cyborgs are equipped with the latest weaponry and armor.  One of them even has a tit on the end of his arm that shoots laser beams.  In one scene the tit-laser blows up a helicopter.  In another scene, the tit-laser shoots Cowboy, but it only chars his skin a bit.  This asshole must be one tough son of a bitch.

The head cyborg “Starkraven” has a real grudge against Jack Ryan. The cyborg was made from the criminal that Jack beat the shit out of at the start of the movie.  The whole movie is basically David Bradley confronted with random situations that call for random acts of violence.  You will roar when you see David Bradley distract a cyborg with a fire extinguisher, long enough to weld him to a table.

The  special effects aren’t as shitty as the rest of the movie.  Although, the cyborgs are pretty special.  They must have used a whole roll of tinfoil on their outfits.  They store their different weapon attachments in their chest.  When they switch weapons, you can see just how shitty the suits are made.

All in all, this movie is a must watch.  You may want to hurt someone by the end of it.
Cyborg Cop 2 trailer:

Death Wish 3 (1985)

He's got an arthritic finger and a hair trigger.

Bronson looks like he's already dead in this movie. He moves around like a two-legged spider; but this s.o.b. spins one fucking massive web - OF DEATH.

Some stupid fuck decided to kill Bronson's buddy in a shitty part of New York City. MISTAKE. Bronson moves into his apartment, kills a thousand people. Movie ends, your life is changed forever. Bronson's character doesn't die, but you know Bronson must be close to it.

Bronson delivers his lines in this movie like an unmotivated professional. He knows it's too easy . . . too easy to take down a massive gang in the heart of New York. He's bored. It's another day at the office and he's already retired. Unfortunately for him he's sucked back in like a long, stringy, snot.

Did you know that the police departments hands are tied? Shit, they can't solve this gang problem and it's getting out of hand. Bureaucracy, procedure, they're the real handcuffs. Do you know what the chief, Shriker, decides to do? He decides to bring Bronson in because he has a theory that Bronson is some sort of vigilante. Shriker motivates Bronson by giving him no choice but to kill the roaches. Bronson is smart. He knows he cant afford enough bullets for the task so he makes his own. He's unleashed on the gang like a 12 year old pitbull with three legs, and he's got a ferocious appetite for justice: HIS JUSTICE: KILLING

Picture who you think would play the police chief and you'll see this guy (and be right):



Pretty cool huh? Yes. Cool indeed. As cool as Charles Bronson. Do you know who else is in this movie?? (i'll give you a clue, he's another past his prime actor that used to get prime roles). This guy:



Yea, guy one and guy two are in this movie.

I don't know where the movie was filmed and don't care to look, but there were cases of Moosehead stacked in one scene.

I have one complaint about this movie. There's an underlying love story, or, at least, some woman that thinks Bronson is all wicked. There are implications that they make love. We know it's impossible as viewers because Bronson's penis is too old. Maybe he makes love to her with his Magnum:



That's seriously his gun.

Allright, enough. Go watch this movie. You'll probably piss yourself laughing. Just tell everyone you're trying to be like Bronson. The toughest senior citizen on the face of the planet. I fucking love this movie.

Here's the trailer.