Dollman (1991)

Holy Fuck!  What a movie!

Tim Thomerson is so fucking great, it's ridiculous.  He comes from the planet Arturus where he fucks dudes up for a living.  He doesn't use faggy ninja kicks or homo-erotic karate chops either.  You see, Thomerson packs the most powerful handgun in the universe.  He displays just how powerful it is when he turns two dirty motherfuckers into mud.  They were the henchmen of a flying head that Thomerson blew the body off of.  The flying head tells Thomerson he has a dimensional bomb and is going to ransom the city.  This is when the henchmen try to kill Thomerson and end up facked.  When the flying head realizes that he shouldn't have fucked with Thomerson, he hovers his queer head into a spaceship and jets.  Clearly, Thomerson isn't going to let someone so gay escape him.  He jumps into a spaceship and tracks that fucker down.

The flying head and Thomerson end up crash landing on earth.  More specifically, they crash land in the South Bronx.  Clearly this area is packed full of Blacks and greasy Hispanics and is not somewhere you want to visit.  Unless you enjoy being robbed or gang raped, then it's your kind of place.  It wouldn't be such a big deal for Thomerson.  He's packing way too much sac for any mulletard Hispanics to fuck with.  All that would be left of them is a grease stain on their dirty Dickies jacket.  There is only one problem.  The people on Arturus are tiny compared to people on earth.  It looks like the dirty fuckers are going to pose more of a problem than previously expected.

Like usual, two Hispanics try and rape some chick.  Just before they can get their dicks wet, Thomerson pulls out his piece and blasts the dirty little bastards.  Thankful she didn't get penetrated by a Mexican, she brings Thomerson back to her place to stay.  Obviously she wants a full body fuck from Thomerson, but he has primo pussy on speed dial.  He doesn't have to settle for a dirty immy.  But he does stay at her place with her dipshit kid.

The flying head also has a run in with a couple of mulletards.  He bribes them into helping him kill Thomerson by providing them with the dimensional bomb.  Smart move, asshole!  They end up grinding him into paste and taking the bomb.

Now it's Thomerson's turn, if they can find the time between their chimichangas, siestas, and dope dealing.  They try and hunt Thomerson down, but get blasted at every encounter.  No matter how many times Thomerson fucks them up, they never learn.  Thirteen inches or thirteen feet, it doesn't matter.  Thomerson is the toughest man in the universe.  If you fuck with him, you will get fucked.  If you want to be a poser, go buy a trench coat, wicked eighties shades, queer-stomping boots, and dye your hair white.  Then you will also look tougher than a five pound shit.  You will also get mad pussy.

After they get raped by Thomerson, they go after the slut instead.  They kidnap her and most likely pound her puss.  This makes Thomerson even angrier.  He starts blowing everything up.  It's "urban fucking renewal!"

Thomerson ends up finding the slut and has his final showdown with the greasy Hispanics.  Obviously they aren't going to do much against Thomerson and he seriously fucks them all up.

A good movie with a hero from another planet?  It's about fucking time.  Tim Thomerson is so much better than some tights wearing faggot from Krypton, or group of tin assholes butchered by Michael Bay.  He's thirteen inches tall, not twenty-eight feet, and he still gets shit done.

 

Dollman Trailer:

Phantasm II (1988)

Awesome! Awesome! Awesome!  It’s 3XAwesome.

Five minutes in and I’m already going to buy a gun.  I would be scared shitless if three tweekers busted down my door.  Now try and imagine a home invasion by a corpse-man seven feet tall and his Jawa army.  I would lose my shit.  It’s a good thing Reggie is more man than I.  When Tall Man tried to kidnap Mike from under his nose, he owned those Jawa fucks.  He snuffs out the pilot lights on the stove and cracks a homerun on an unsuspecting Jawas back.  Then he throws his little buddy Mike out of a second floor window and jumps out, just before the house is turned into smoldering toothpicks.  That is how you handle a situation.

That shit happened when Mikey was a kid.  He is all grown up now and about to be let out of the nuthouse.  He tells them what they want to hear, but he still believes.  He believes in the Tall Man and that shit is about to go down.  He checks a cemetery and finds that the Tall Man is up to his old tricks.  He has been steeling corpses again.  Mike tells Reg he has been dreaming about a blond girl and she needs their help.  Reg doesn’t believe Mike, but he is about to have a rude awakening.  Mike has a premonition about the gas in Reggie’s house, then BLAMO!  Reggie’s family is fucked.  It’s time for payback.

Everyone knows that you can’t go fuck up a demon hoard without the right equipment.  It’s time to go shopping.  What’s on the list?

• Flashlights
• Shovels
• 2 double barrel shotties
• Handgun
• Torches
• Saw blades
• Pipe wrench
• Sledge hammer
• Chainsaw
• A sniper rifle?  Nope.  “Long guns are no good.  It’s got to work at close range.”
• Plumbers strap
• Welders mask
  

I bet you think that this shit is useless.  Well hold your goddamn horses!  This shit is just the material required to construct a quadruple barrel shotgun and badass flame thrower.  Now they will be able to fuck up some Jawas.

They arrive at some small town.  “Small towns are like people.  Some get old and die a natural death.  Some are murdered.”  They have to be careful, cause some times Tall Man sets traps for them.  Scoping out a cemetery is the last thing I would do, but we have been through this.  I’m a pussy and they are not.  They load up and check to see what’s what.  Either this town is full of corpse fuckers, or Tall Man has been busy.  They bust into the crematorium and find a dead chick on a gurney.  I’m thinking unnatural thoughts at this point.  What!?  She’s gone.  Was she ever even there?  Fucked if I know.  Then Reg finds a Jawa huddled in a corner, but it’s not a Jawa.  It’s the blond girl, Liz, from Mikes dreams.  She is seriously fucked up.  It’s not Liz; it’s a trap!  Kuato pops out of her back, so they fry the little fucker.  Tall Man must know they are on his trail, why else would he leave the premonition that looked like Liz?  He wouldn’t.

Liz’s grandfather takes a dirt nap.  His death is the catalyst for Tall Mans plan to go into motion.  The boozer priest knows shit is about to go down, so he takes a swig of whiskey and stabs the corpse.  Apparently, he thinks it will do some good.  Liz’s grandmother shits herself and passes out when she sees it.  She has no idea what the hell is going on.  The Tall Man must be stopped.  It turns out that the crematorium, where the funeral is being held, is Tall Man’s base of operations.  He sidles up on Liz and informs her that grave side service is about to begin.  This really scares the shit out of her, as she recognizes him from her dreams.

On their travels, Mike has a dream about a hitchhiker that is the girl on the gurney.  When he wakes up, Reg has already picked her up and is planning to get his dick wet.  Of course his dick wins the argument.  It’s not his fault.  She has a great rack, dead or alive.  They end up staying at her uncles B&B.

Tall Man abducts Liz’s grandmother, so Liz ends up going back to the crematorium.  While there, the priest is snooping around, so Tall Man sicks the three phantasm spheres on him.  He’s fucked.  Then a Jawa goes after Liz.  It turns out that it’s her gammy.  It tries to catch her, but it runs like a midget, so it’s pretty much hopeless.  Liz hides around a corner and smokes Gammy in the face with a vase.  She escapes and meets up with Reg and Michael.

They all go back to the B&B.  As Reg is laying pipe, the grenade he wired the door with goes off.  It turns something into a stain on the wall.  Then Liz gets snatched by Tall Man.  Time to end this thing.

They follow Tall Man back to the crematorium.    There, they find the door to Tall Mans world, but they need to use a sphere as a key.  Liz has some problems of her own.  She manages to escape her captor just before she gets turned into a Jawa.  She gets chased by the spheres, but they end up screwing another douche instead.  As if the spheres weren’t cool enough, they also have laser tracking, can cut through doors, and saw up some dudes asshole, right into his mouth.  While this is all going on, Reg gets into the best chainsaw fight ever!  He ends up sawing his balls off and blasting four Jawas at once with his quadruple barrel shottie.  Liz and Mike grab the sphere that got stuck in the dudes mouth.  They meet up with Reg and they all open the door to Tall Mans world.  Just before they torch the place, Tall Man appears and bitch slaps Reg.  Mike almost gets dragged into Tall Mans dimension, but Reg saves him.  It’s a good thing, because who wants to live in a rocky shithole with demon babies crawling out of oil drums?  Not me.    Just as Tall Man is about to embalm Liz, Mike chucks a sphere at him.  It drills a hole in his head, but Tall Man crushes it like a tin can.  Mike then stabs the embalming hose in Tall Man and cranks it on.  Earlier Reg filled the tank with hydrochloric acid, so this does the trick.  Reg torches the place.

After they leave the crematorium, Hitchhiker Hotty is waiting for them.  They load up and get the hell out of there.  That was close.  Everything is going to be all right now, right?  No it’s not!  Hitchhiker Hotty’s scalp falls off and she murders Reg’s stupid ass.  Then Tall Man appears in the cab, just as Mike and Liz get pulled out of the back window of the hearse.  Best ending ever!

Phantasm 2 Trailer: