Scorpion (1986)

Critics are raving about Scorpion!

Michael McDonnell (New York Times) says, "Tony Tulleners is explosive! He is the next big action star"
Rob Landry (Seattle Tribune) says, "A must see legend in the making"
Movie Guru (Movieguru.com) says, "A bold story that will keep you guessing until the end"
Lorenzo's Boil (The Man) says, "Do not watch this movie!  It is unbelievably bad."

This movie is a true piece of crap. Tony Tulleners is the worst actor.  He has one facial expression, and it's a bad one.  I thought it was amazing how Tony Tulleners managed to "act" for an hour and a half without changing his voice. It didn't matter if he was watching his friend die, or if he had just been kicked in the nuts.  It didn't change.  They should have casted him as a gay robot that gave free moustache rides.  Tulleners kick-ass push broom moustache was the only good thing about him.  Even that was overshadowed by his homosexual ball-buster pants and Legoman haircut. When you watch a movie called "Scorpion" you would expect some wicked fight scenes. The fact that they advertise Tulleners as beating Chuck Norris (THE MAN) three times in a karate fight would seem to support this.  Bullshit!  There were four fight scenes in the entire movie and they lasted fifteen seconds each. You couldn't tell if Tulleners was going to suck him off or kick his ass. Someone should kill the asshole that gave Corky the paper and box of crayons to write a screenplay.  Spelling "Scorpion" with a "k" instead of a "c" would have been cleverer than any of the scenes in this travesty of a karate movie.  Tony Tulleners was by far the worst part of the movie.  The homo, David Bowie look-alike, bad guy made it that much worse.  If you ever plan on watching this crap, snort some coke or smoke some rock first. You will need something to help you get through the first ten minutes. After that, it will take divine intervention to give you the power to withstand this giant lump of shit.