This movie was shit. I can't believe I watched it all. This contains spoilers. Actually, it doesn't matter. You can't spoil a terrible movie.
When porno is bad, it doesn't matter: there is AT LEAST always some sort of action. The only action in this movie was the complete wanking that Tarantino gave his verbose cock. I'm going to step a touch aside here . . . Reservoir Dogs - GOLD, Pulp Fiction - GOLD, Jackie Brown - GOOD SOUNDTRACK, From Dusk Till Dawn - THERE WERE TITS IN IT. This movie? BAD.
Books have chapters. It makes sense. Movies have scenes. That makes sense. A movie with Chapters is pretentious. Fuck you Tarantino. I never knew you could put your cock in your own mouth! Even if I could I wouldn't want a cock in my mouth. You special son-of-a-bitch. I will summarize the movie below:
CHAPTER 1
I also love milk, but not two glasses of unpasteurised milk over a discussion of the location of a missing Jewish family. I like my milk with dinner. Oh wait? they're under the floor boards here? okay, lets blow the shit out of them.
One girl got away.
It was a dairy farm where this shit happened. Did Tarantino show us any cows? NO! BOO-MOO-MOO.
Oh we were introduced to some Nazi. He speaks lots of languages and finds Jewish people to kill. He is smug.
Chapter 2
Sometimes Brad Pitt redeems himself for all the jealousy he causes among lame-ass fat-fucks for being able to insert his penis in Angelina's vagina, in which he expunges load. Other times I hate him. He's a douche in this movie, as is evident from the start. I hate him in this movie.
I guess we have a team here of Jewish American soldiers being assembled to be dropped in France with the express goal of killing Nazi's. One of the soldiers gives a dude a friar tuck but is a little blade heavy and it turns to a scalping. I haven't seen as much blood as this since I watched the Carrie shower scene on repeat at Marsland's house.
Hmm, someone gets beaten to death with a bat. Because he's a german soldier, we are to be okay with it. I'm okay with it because Brad Pitt stopped talking with his RETARDED accent . . . I mean his learning disability accent.
Chapter 3
BORING! I may learn German by the end of this movie.
I like Snipers. I'd be one. What I wouldn't do is try to impress a girl by bragging about how good I was at it. Anyway, this German soldier has a fancy for this blond girl in Paris. Turns out she's the one that escaped the massacre of her family in Chapter 1. Wow, that first scene had a point after all.
Well well, the guy that killed her family is doing security for a movie premiere about the sniper and apparantly it'll happen at her cinema because the sniper dude convinced another dude that it would be great. He just wants to get fresh with her and have her sample his milk. Anyway, TONS of top Nazi's going to premiere.
P.S.! I don't care how good strudle is. I don't want to watch people eat it. Tarantino, were you hungry when you made this?
Chapter 4
ENGLISH! WE CAN HEAR ENGLISH AGAIN!!!!! (if you haven't seen this, all the people speak the real language - German's are loud, French are pretentious, American's have unrealistic unbelievable accents that make you question the merit of their acting abilities - THAT MEANS YOU BRAD PITT)
When porno is bad, it doesn't matter: there is AT LEAST always some sort of action. The only action in this movie was the complete wanking that Tarantino gave his verbose cock. I'm going to step a touch aside here . . . Reservoir Dogs - GOLD, Pulp Fiction - GOLD, Jackie Brown - GOOD SOUNDTRACK, From Dusk Till Dawn - THERE WERE TITS IN IT. This movie? BAD.
Books have chapters. It makes sense. Movies have scenes. That makes sense. A movie with Chapters is pretentious. Fuck you Tarantino. I never knew you could put your cock in your own mouth! Even if I could I wouldn't want a cock in my mouth. You special son-of-a-bitch. I will summarize the movie below:
CHAPTER 1
I also love milk, but not two glasses of unpasteurised milk over a discussion of the location of a missing Jewish family. I like my milk with dinner. Oh wait? they're under the floor boards here? okay, lets blow the shit out of them.
One girl got away.
It was a dairy farm where this shit happened. Did Tarantino show us any cows? NO! BOO-MOO-MOO.
Oh we were introduced to some Nazi. He speaks lots of languages and finds Jewish people to kill. He is smug.
Chapter 2
Sometimes Brad Pitt redeems himself for all the jealousy he causes among lame-ass fat-fucks for being able to insert his penis in Angelina's vagina, in which he expunges load. Other times I hate him. He's a douche in this movie, as is evident from the start. I hate him in this movie.
I guess we have a team here of Jewish American soldiers being assembled to be dropped in France with the express goal of killing Nazi's. One of the soldiers gives a dude a friar tuck but is a little blade heavy and it turns to a scalping. I haven't seen as much blood as this since I watched the Carrie shower scene on repeat at Marsland's house.
Hmm, someone gets beaten to death with a bat. Because he's a german soldier, we are to be okay with it. I'm okay with it because Brad Pitt stopped talking with his RETARDED accent . . . I mean his learning disability accent.
Chapter 3
BORING! I may learn German by the end of this movie.
I like Snipers. I'd be one. What I wouldn't do is try to impress a girl by bragging about how good I was at it. Anyway, this German soldier has a fancy for this blond girl in Paris. Turns out she's the one that escaped the massacre of her family in Chapter 1. Wow, that first scene had a point after all.
Well well, the guy that killed her family is doing security for a movie premiere about the sniper and apparantly it'll happen at her cinema because the sniper dude convinced another dude that it would be great. He just wants to get fresh with her and have her sample his milk. Anyway, TONS of top Nazi's going to premiere.
P.S.! I don't care how good strudle is. I don't want to watch people eat it. Tarantino, were you hungry when you made this?
Chapter 4
ENGLISH! WE CAN HEAR ENGLISH AGAIN!!!!! (if you haven't seen this, all the people speak the real language - German's are loud, French are pretentious, American's have unrealistic unbelievable accents that make you question the merit of their acting abilities - THAT MEANS YOU BRAD PITT)
Mike Myers is in this scene. I hate him. This settles it, he's terrible. Anyway, there's a german spy that needs to be met by this movie expert soldier and the Basterds (Brad Pitts crew). The meeting is set up.
NO LONGER IN ENGLISH. PAINFUL.
Did you know German's enjoy Schnapps? I did, I went to Oktoberfest and had a shitload myself. I was wasted. Anyway, the meeting is happening in a bar. The plan is to blow up all the Nazi's in the theatre.
Ever go over to a friends house to drink but forget your booze and then realize they're playing a lame ass board game? That's what is happening. That is this scene. It's shit. So, unfortuneately there was this uppity sober German captain or something. He figured out that the good guys weren't german. He was going to ruin the plan.
WHOA, the fuck got blown out of everyone. Despite this, the scene is not redeemed. Anyway, only the german spy wench survives so the plan is revised and Brad Pitt and two other fucks will try to get into theatre. They don't speak German. They will pretend to be Italian. It's ridiculous.
The milk drinking Jew hunter finds the bar. He notes that the woman was there. Her cover is blown. He has her shoe. Looks like plan is not really going to work.
Chapter 5
We're in the theatre. It's full of all the top Nazi's. Absurd. The milk drinker speaks Italian. He also knows that Pitt and his buddies are obviously spy's. He grills them in Italian. He speaks it. It's amusing, but doesn't make up for all the pain i've endured to here.
Milk drinker kills german actress spy and collects Pitt's character, which has an shitty accent in case you missed it before.
Brad Pitt and the milk guy are away from the theatre talking and boring me more. German milk guy decides to allow the killing of everyone in the theatre so the way will end and he can negotiate with the allies to get some sweet shit. The girl that survived her families death at the start was already going to burn them all to death anyway. This happens. They all burn. She dies too.
THE END - oh no wait, more painfully lame movie to come.
Brad Pitt carves a Nazi symbol in milk guys head.
THE END.
Never watch this. I have truly captured the essence.
Inglourious Basterds Trailer:
This movie was seriously ridiculously awesome.
ReplyDeleteThanks....And all the Jews GO TO HELL
ReplyDeleteIts a dark but funny comic fantasy movie. I really like the movie and the information provided by you is too good. Keep writing such blogs. Thanks a lot.
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