Flight of the Navigator (1986)

Who doesn’t have fond childhood memories of this movie?

I don’t understand why Fred Savage didn’t play David in this movie.  Oh well.  This movie is too good not to forgive.  If you didn’t watch this movie as a kid, your parents hated you, or you are from Communist China.  This site isn’t written in wingdings, so you can’t understand this anyways.

Once upon a time, there was a little boy (David) forced to go retrieve his asshole brother from the Johnson’s house.  When his little brother (Jeff) surprises him by jumping out of  a tree, he gets infuriated.  In his rage he manages to lose his dog and fall down a hill.  This is where the story makes you go, “hmmmmm”.  When David wakes up and returns home, everyone is gone.  Two old bitty’s live in his house now.  But how!? 

The police look up David’s parents and discover he has been missing for eight years.  Naturally, this perks their curiosity.  They take David to a lab to perform some tests.  How could he possibly be David?  He hasn’t aged a day.  Around this time, a spacecraft crashes into some hydro lines.  After the scientists are done probing David’s anus, they are no better off.  They still don’t know the answers, or even why he enjoyed the probe so much.  David then agrees to go to a more sophisticated laboratory.  The scientists pretend they want to help David.  They actually want the information on the alien ship that is stuck in David’s head.  Now they will get the answers they have been looking for.  They stick some shit to David’s head and discover all kinds of information from his mind.  David’s head is full of star charts and some weird alien language.  I think it is Mandarin. 

While at the lab, David makes friends with Sarah Jessica Parker .  She introduces him to Twisted Sister, but David doesn’t know how to rock.  David is a Bee Gees fan.  This really proves how lame the little bastard is.  As time passes, Horseface takes a real shinning to him.  You can tell she wants to school him in the ways of passion. This doesn’t happen, because Sarah Jessica Parker is way too ugly.  Even in her younger days, she was still hideous. 

David finds out that they have no intentions of letting him go, so escape is his only option.  Rather than be confined in the lab, studied, and possibly raped, David enlists the help of Horseface.  She hides him in a robotic trashcan that drives him to the alien ship.  David then climbs aboard the flying walnut that is the alien craft.  I can’t tell the difference.  Can you?

Inside the ship, David meets an alien named Max.  The ship and Max are the same person.  Together they flee the base/lab.  This is the part in the movie that really warms a child’s heart.  David and Max go on a fantastic voyage all over the earth.  David is the Navigator and Max complies with his orders.  If it doesn’t sound awesome already, Pee-Wee Herman does the voice of Max.  While aboard the ship, they learn to listen to music, dance a little, sing, and David comes into his own as a Navigator.   He learns the difference between a first and third class maneuver.  The Walnut transforms into a sleeker shape and flies like a bat out of hell.  Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!  They are really moving now.  It’s so awesome!

David and Max get lost.  Neither of the retards can find David’s home.  They park the Walnut at a gas station and phone Jeff for directions.  He goes onto his roof and lights firecrackers as a signal.  When David and Max reach the house, the big bad scientist is waiting.  Instead of giving the scientist the chance to rape him again, David climbs back aboard Max.  He says some shit like, “I don’t belong here; my home is back in 1978.”  Max then takes David back in time; at the risk of being vaporized. 

It would be awesome if David got Kentucky fried, but he doesn’t.  He makes it home and everything is perfect.  Too bad.

Cue the wicked 80’s music.  I want it as a ringtone.  Everyone would start 80’s dancing whenever I got a phone call.  That would be gnarly, rad, and tubular.

Flight of the Navigator trailer: