Solo (1996)

Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad.

Coming off of some big roles, Mario Van Peebles stars in his own action movie…. And fails miserably.  He is the worst actor.  The Coles Notes version of Solo is:  Solo is sent on a mission to neutralize an airstrip.  He impressively climbs a cliff and plants explosives.  He sees villagers working at the airstrip, so he doesn’t blow his explosives.  He just blows.  When some douchebag sees this, he blows them instead.  Solo and the villagers get blown up.  When the chopper extracts the team, Solo grabs on to the landing gear.  This amazes everyone but the viewer.

When everyone gets back to HQ, they wonder why Solo is gay enough to disobey a direct order.  They forget that Solo is a superhuman retard and he hears them talking about taking him offline.  Now he has no choice but to flee from his shitty spider drawings and boyfriend Adrien Brody.  The damage he suffered to his power source makes this that much more difficult.

Solo’s battery conks out and a little kid finds him.  He goes back to the village where some Chiquita wants to get herself some android dick.  This would be a perfect opportunity for a titty scene, but it doesn’t happen.  The villagers charge Solo’s battery with a 3 horse generator.  Remember, if you need to charge something, just attach wires to it.  If it works for Solo, it will work for you.  After some bullshit accepting Solo into the village drama, Solo learning how to laugh badly, and Solo doing quirky things, shit goes down.  By, “shit“ I mean more shitty movie.

Oh no!  Soldiers track solo to the village and try to fuck him up.  When Solo successfully defends the village, the soldiers side with the local rebels.  Now Solo has to deal with two armies!  Do you think he can do it?  Of course!  Solo kicks ass and forces the useless retards to take drastic measures.  The Colonel one-ups Solo and becomes a superior mandroid.  Shocking isn’t it?

Supercolonel and Solo end up brawling in a temple.  This fight scene is almost as bad as a fight scene from Scorpion.  To my amazement Solo ends up getting the better of the superior android.  Some Styrofoam boulders cave in on Supercolonel and fuck him up.  He’s dead, right?  Wrong!  Solo then walks over and says, “Delete this” to the General through Supercolonel’s camera as he molests his face.  Then he brings the whole temple down on Supercolonel.  There must be at least a hundred pounds of Styrofoam on him.  Luckily this does the trick.  All the villagers celebrate and Solo lets out another pathetic laugh to let his little buddy know he made it.  Roll credits and get pissed off because you will never get that two hours back.

Solo trailer: