Robot Wars (1993)

What the hell did I just watch?  Was it a television episode or a movie?  There should be rules concerning the minimum length of a movie.  71 minutes is pathetic. 

From Full Moon Entertainment, the makers of such sweet movies as the Puppet Master series, comes Robot Wars.  It should be called Robot War since there is only one robot battle.  No problem.  There is plenty of other cheese to keep you watching.

How’s this for an intricate background story:  The Centros are at war with the Northern Hemi.  The Northern Hemi has Mega Robot 2 to keep the Centros at bay.  The Centros want Mega Robot 2.  POW!!  I bet you weren’t expecting a delicious little tidbit like that.

The whole movie is really about a guy called Drake trying to pound a girl called Leda.  Everything that happens makes Leda’s crotch drip a little bit more for Drake.  Who doesn’t like a little game of cat and mouse.  In the beginning, Drake comes just short of taking it out in front of Leda.  She fucks his face with her fist for his troubles.

In a bid to save the Northern Hemi’s economy, the top brass tries to manufacture and sell a smaller version of Mega 2 to the Eastern Alliance.  The Eastern Alliance Chinaman leader manages to trick the North Hemi’s general into believing he is interested in purchasing a downgraded Mega 2 for entertainment and security purposes.  The General arranges for the Chinaman to ride in the cockpit of Mega 2 during it’s next tour.  This will prove to be a huge mistake.

Leda is a reporter and nosy little bitch.  She showed up in search of her story, and she finds an area that the military is hiding.  Under a town that was supposed to be abandoned in 1993, she finds a secret tunnel.  She assumes they are hiding a huge cache of weapons that were supposed to be destroyed.  She finds a picture of something. 
Do you know what it is?

That’s right.  It’s a micron transponder.

Leda arranges to go on the Mega 2 tour, to the town that is set up as a front for the military cache.  During the tour, Leda and her friend Annie talk about wanting to have Drake nail them.  You know how girls talk when they are alone.  Their conversation is just like that.  Drake would have been the pilot for the tour, but he and the General don’t see eye to eye on most things.  He gets pulled from the roster after their heated conversation.  It's no wonder, with an argument like this: 
General Rooney: You’re way too negative, Drake.  You’re a walking minus sign.
Drake:  Rooney, you must have grown up in Old California with too much sun.  Let me ask you a question,  was your daddy rich and your momma good looking!?
General Rooney:  You’re cruising for a court marshall, buster-boy!

When Leda gets to the town, she sneaks off to find the micron transponder.  While she is snooping around, Centros walk in and try to catch her.  She fucks one of them up with a laser and then books it.  She escapes and hides out in an old building.  She is obviously a dumb broad, because they find her right away.  They take her hostage.  They also overcome the one man security detail and capture everyone at the terminal.  After some buddy gives Chinaman a crash course in piloting the robot, he hijacks it.  What the fuck are they going to do now?

It just so happens that Drake is out and about when the shit went down.  Rooney briefs him on the situation, but Drake wants no part in it.  Then Rooney drops a bombshell.  He tells Drake that Leda has been taken hostage.  Rescuing her is a sure fire way to get in her pants.  He’ll do it!  Drake then sets out to rescue Leda and find a weapon hidden underground.  It turns out that it’s the same micron transponder that Leda was looking for.  Drake rescues Leda by using a stellar battle plan.  He hides behind shit and has his buddy yell, “Remember the Alamo”.  They then shoot the Centros.  Leda then tells Drake where the micron transponder is.

When Drake finds the micron transponder, it turns out to be a working robot.  It is Mega Robot 1.  You can imagine what happens next.  It is an epic struggle between a robot shaped like a scorpion and Mega Robot 1.  After some jockeying, Drake plays dead on the ground.  When Chinaman walks over to finish him off, Drake blasts him.  Then he blasts Leda with his flesh laser.

Robot Wars Trailer: