I totally forgot that there was a time machine in Innerspace. Just when you thought Martin Short could not be more of a total douche bag, he does this. I can’t believe he traveled forward in time to rip this movie off. How low can you sink? The idea of shrinking a ship and injecting it into someone’s body is brilliant. Lance Henriksen would not be in this if they didn’t think of it first. Fuck you Martin Short. I hate your guts.
Everything is tits for Richard Gaynes (Lance Henriksen). He has a sweet job with the bureau, a fugly daughter that loves him, and a 12 inch cock. Life is just peachy until….
Gaynes is sent in to diffuse a bomb at the Russian Embassy. He arrives on the scene and instantly makes some Fed. feel like a total fucking retard. This guy knows fuck all about bombs, so Gaynes takes charge. This is not your run-of-the-mill Afghan IED. This thing is rigged with some really sophisticated shit. When they blow cigarette smoke on it, it reveals a rather intricate laser network that will trigger the bomb if tampered with. One false move and the bomb blows the fuck out of everyone inside. Gaynes makes a judgment call. He doesn’t have enough time to disarm the bomb. All of a sudden Habib comes stumbling into the picture. He is armed and muttering some crazy Arab shit. Gaynes tells the crazy fuck to drop his gun, but he doesn’t listen. Gaynes unloads in Habib. This shithead is dead as a doornail. When they check his gun it’s empty. Why would this crazy have an empty firearm? Shit registers with Gaynes. Oh fuck! The bomb is rigged to Habib’s vital signs. Get the fuck out! Gaynes just makes it out in time, but there is hell to pay. They need a scapegoat, so they pin the whole thing on Gaynes.
1 year passes. Gaynes is kicked out of the Bureau and now runs a private security firm. While he is enjoying some grub on a patio, some whore recognizes him. It turns out it’s the same reporter that made it look like he was at fault for the bomb going off one year prior. She expects him to do a follow-up interview about the bombing. Not happening. Where does this bitch get off? Instead, Gaynes revokes her press access for the upcoming event he is running the security for.
I’m sure the security is just precautionary, right? Wrong! Terrorist assholes have infiltrated the building. Some French cunt loses it when some asshole fucks up his Bisk. When he reams him out, the guy shoots him dead. Shit has began to go down. Normally Henriksen would stroll in and TCB, but it turns out that the terrorist has a detonator microchip inside his body. The bomb goes off if anyone kills him. What to do? This is definitely a prickly one. Gaynes and his buddy (leader of the Cobra Kai in The Karate Kid) bust in and shoot the shit out of all the henchmen. They seriously fuck up the leader, but they don’t kill him.
Luckily for Gaynes, there is an experimental project that can shrink a ship subhuman. They strap the psycho down and prepare to inject themselves into his body. Gaynes, some Russian broad, Shaka Zulu, and another chubby asshole board the ship. They shrink it down and inject it into the bloodstream. Now it is time to get down to business. They have to travel through the veins and find the microchip. Sounds easy enough, doesn’t it? It’s not. All of a sudden they are under attack. It’s Whites! White blood cells are attacking the ship from every direction. it’s a good thing the ship is armed with laser beams and pulse cannons. They manage to fight off the initial wave of Whites, but not before the only looker on the ship eats it. It’s not over yet. How will they survive another attack? I’ve got it! They can inject AIDS, Tuberculosis, or another illness into the body. The only problem is that no one is sick in the lab. There isn’t even a fag that they can extract some AIDS from. Just when it seems hopeless, Cobra Kai walks in hacking up shit all over the goddamn place. This sick fuck does the trick. The Whites go after the virus when injected into the vein. Thank god.
Oh dear god. Mr. Terrorist is dying on the table. If he dies it’s curtains for everyone. They are going to have to reverse the polarity of the guns and create a giant electro-magnate. This will prevent the bomb from triggering when they shock the bastard. Thank fuck it works. Now they can concentrate on defusing the detonator. Gaynes uses a combination of educated guesses and blind luck to figure out the code. He defuses it with no time to spare.
The bomb is rendered useless and now it’s clear sailing. Haha just fucking with you. They come under attack again. Not by Whites, but by skin mites this time. I don’t know why this dirtball has skin mites swimming around in his veins, but they are there nonetheless. They latch onto Gaynes ship and put it in serious jeopardy when they use there anus-mouths to break through the hull. Just when shit is about to be fucked, Shaka Zulu uses the main ship to ram the skin mite off of Henriksen. She blows the ship up and just narrowly escapes with an escape pod. Job well done. The Doc inserts a needle for the ship to drive in and exit the body. It’s just too bad that the damn terrorist wakes up. He loses it! It’s a good thing Cobra Kai is there to shoot him. He should be so lucky to have Lance Henriksen inside him.
It’s over. Henriksen nails Shaka Zulu, reintegrates, and lives happily ever after. What a wild ride that was.
Robin Givens is hot! (and was beat by Mike Tyson!)
ReplyDeleteThis movie sounds awesome. I think it's a must-lender.
This movie made me want to kill myself - but as totally worth the $2 I paid for it.
ReplyDeleteThis movie has to be one of the worst ever made. That said though, its so bad it becomes brilliant. The script, the plot, the acting, the accents, the rip offs from fantastic journey and innerspace are pure cheek. Go see!
ReplyDeleteThe sheer magnitude of shit is what makes most Lorenzo movies so special. You find yourself so impressed with how shitty a movie can be, that you must see another. It's like taking a rye shit and having a peek between your legs and saying, "Fuck me! Did that just happen?".
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