Moonbase (1997)

Feels like you are trapped on the moon with no dick to entertain yourself.

You know you are in for a special brand of pain when the opening credits take 10 goddamn minutes. 

Moonbase followed the seldom successful business model of irritating the shit out of people to sell their product.  After the 10 minute list of bullshit actors to start the movie, you get an hour and half of eerie shitty sound that will make you want to stab your ears with a dollar store cotton swab.  Maybe they didn’t want to take away from the poetic dialogue this list of rejects spew out.  Help you and everyone else by signing a petition to ban synthesizers in space.

The story of Moonbase offers hope of a spectacular B movie, until you start watching, then that hope is immediately quashed.  A bunch of assholes escape a space penitentiary, stow away on a transport to a shit factory on the moon, then try to blow up earth with nukes hidden beneath the planet.  I know, it sounds awesome.  It isn’t.  You really get to experience what a mundane everyday life would be like on a moon base.  Nothing fucking happens.  It is so painfully boring for three quarters of the movie, and then you get a shitty battle between the perps hiding in the shit plant and the base commanders side.  Needless to say, everything about the fight sucked.  You may be surprised to know that Commander John prevents nuclear annihilation.  Spoiler alert. 

This movie is far from the who’s who of B movie stars.  You pretty much have the guy from No Holds Barred and Gretchen Palmer.  That poor bastard is exactly what you would draw, if you were asked to draw a pedophile.  If your kids sell cookies, I would skip his house, or they may end up buried in the basement.  I don’t know what dumbass decided Gretchen Palmer was the broad for the role of a badass convict/terrorist.  It’s completely unbelievable.  A black convict in space?  What kind of dipshit is going to believe that?

A positive part of the movie was the dream girl hologram buddy was pulling his wire to.  Don’t worry, you only have to see her.  Except when the suit from No Holds Barred programs it to be buddies mother.  He screams like a little bitch, instead of shutting it off.  I think he finished.

The movie had potential, and the special effects weren’t horrible for this type of 90’s turd, but somehow they fucked it all up.  Steer clear of Moonbase, unless you get off on torturing yourself.  Even then, pulling your cord with a belt tied around your neck would be preferable to this movie.

Moonbase Trailer: