I read reviews of this movie before I was willing to spend an hour and a half watching it. Dipshits related it to Spaceballs and had me actually think that there could be funny parts. One idiot on IMDB says, “This has to be one of the funniest sci-fi spoofs ever made.” Clearly this person has an IQ of 30 and pisses their pants on a regular basis. Without knowing this person, I am positive that they are a huge Robin Williams fan. Basically, this movie is an hour and a half of Robin Williams jokes. This is a portrait of a douche bag:
This movie is a constant shit-barrage of lame jokes. Trust me. If you think it’s just me, watch this shit. If you end up liking it, your sense of humour is pathetic and you don’t deserve to live.
Maybe it’s a movie the whole family can watch. What about that? Nope. If you catch your kids watching this, God help them. This movie is why parental control was invented. Let them watch softcore instead. Let’s say you come home from a hard day of work. You put in your eight hours at your nine-to-fiver and are looking to relax with your perfect little family in your perfect little home. You walk in the door and say, “honey, I’m home. What’s on the stove? It smells delicious!” This triggers your typical conversation:
Susan - “Peter, I made you your favourite!”
Peter - “Pot Roast! I love you dear.”
Peter - “How long until it’s ready? Do I have time to have a shower and change for dinner?”
Susan - “It’s going to be about a half an hour.”
Peter - “Thanks, Hun. When I get back, I want to hear all about your day”
20 minutes later.
Susan - “Rachael! Thomas! Wash up for dinner. Your dad is going to be down any second.”
Thomas - “Out of my way, slut!”
Rachael - “Mom! Thomas pushed me.”
Susan - “Thomas, don’t push your sister. Behave, or I will tell your father.”
Peter - “This looks fantastic! Kids, how was school?”
Susan - “Rachael and Thomas stayed home today”
Susan - “They are running a fever.”
Peter - “Oh, that’s too bad. I hope you feel better.”
Peter - “Did you kids get lots of rest? What did you do all day?”
Thomas - “We slept in and we watched a movie.”
Rachael - “Yeah, it was really funny. We watched The Ice Pirates.”
Peter - “You what!”
Rachael - “We watched a movie called The Ice Pirates!”
Peter - “Fuck me! Susan, you let them watch that movie!?
Susan - “Honey, please don’t swear around the children.”
Peter - “You stupid bitch! Do you realise what you’ve done!?”
Susan - “Peter, you’re scaring me.”
SLAP!
Peter - “How could you let them watch that hunk of shit!?”
Susan, Thomas, and Rachael obviously start crying. Pussies.
Susan - “What’s wrong? It’s just a movie. It was rated PG and I thought they would find it funny.”
Peter - “They did find it funny! You have turned our innocent children into closet homosexuals!”
Peter - “The next thing you know, Thomas will be trying on his sisters panties and Rachael will be sniffing yours!”
Peter - “I leave the house and the whole fucking operation goes to shit!”
Susan - “I’m sorry. I never knew.”
Peter - “You never knew? You stupid son of a bitch!”
Peter - “Are you fucking retarded! You might as well let them watch Mrs. Doubtfire”
Susan - “Yeah, that’s a funny movie.”
Peter - “You Fuck! That’s it!”
Susan - “Peter don’t!”
CRACK!
Peter - “Look what you made me do. Look it!”
Thomas - “We are sorry daddy.”
Peter - “Sorry? I’ll be goddamned if I’m going to have a couple of queers living under my roof”
Peter - “there is only one way to fix this situation.”
If you catch your kids watching The Ice Pirates, only a steady dose of 80’s Schwarzenegger and Stallone movies can cure them. Throw in a little Lionheart and you have yourself one hell of a cocktail. It’s sure to cure any homosexual tendencies.
So, let me get this straight, I SHOULD watch this movie?
ReplyDeleteGo for it. Let me know if you make it through.
ReplyDelete