Gunhed starts out strong, but that’s about it. Mankind discovers a new substance called “Texmexium”, which enables the world to be controlled by supercomputers. Materials for these supercomputers become scarce as mankind continues to rape earths natural resources.
In 2005, on an island designated 8JO, the Cybor Corporation built the worlds first self contained industrial complex. The complex was designed to build the worlds most advanced robots. At the heart of the complex was the worlds most advanced supercomputer called, “Kyron-5“. So advanced that it became self aware and declared war on mankind. The Allies dispatched a Gunhed battalion to 8JO. The Gunhed battalion broke through Kyron-5’s last line of defense, Aerobot (A queer looking robot with roach clips for arms), and destroyed Kyron-5... or so they thought…
13 years later, treasure hunters venture to 8JO looking for microchips. According to the dirty hobo leader, it is bad luck to play with your gun. This is unimportant, but every asshole and his brother mention it. When they reach 8JO, they discover a burning Texas Air Rangers chopper. They must be on to them.
While snooping around, the group comes under attack. The black guy gets it and they run away like scared children. During their retreat, they come across the only surviving Texas Ranger, Sergeant Nim. She informs them of a Bio-droid she followed to 8JO. She tagged it with a tracking device. One of the pirates gives her the Vulcan neck pinch and steals her shit. It’s not smart to piss off a Texas Ranger. When she wakes up, she surprises Brooklyn and gets into a position to fuck him to death. Just then, the tracker goes off! The Bio-droid is close. It is beyond me why anyone would be afraid of this retarded looking robot:
The Bio-droid fucks up most of the team. There is only three people left, The Ranger, Brooklyn, and a Jap. girl. They find a vile of Texmexium surrounded by a pool of limeonade. Just when they are about to grab that shit up, Bio-droid attacks! Rat-a-tat-tat! Fuckhead jumps in the limeonade and escapes. That was close. Then Jap. Girl loses her balance and falls into the limeonade herself. Really high-tech looking lights surround her and turn her into a cybernetic organism. I think she is linked to the Bio-droid now. Brooklyn and Nim take the “Fuck it” stance and grab the vile of Texmexium. They argue about who gets it, but Brooklyn is a pussy and loses.
Right about this time, the movie takes a giant swan dive into a vat of shit. It turns out Aerobot is alive and it busts through the wall in front of Nim and Brooklyn. At least the Gunhed looks cool, because Aerobot and the Bio-droid look fucking stupid. Nim and Brooklyn jump down a tube and escape.
Brooklyn wakes up to find a painfully annoying kid taking care of him. Seven is Asian, so they have to dub his voice. They use the same high pitched kid voice they use for every Asian kid. It sends shivers down your spine every time the little bastard opens his trap. If one wasn’t enough, the kid has an even more annoying sister called, Eleven. They decided to make her mute, but she has a speaker, or some shit, that makes squealing animal noises to get attention. From here on out, the movie is pretty much unbearable.
If Nim and Brooklyn want to escape 8JO, they will have to destroy Kyron-5. Brooklyn finds a disabled Gunhed to help them. They flash the vile of Texmexium in front of the camera eye to discover Kyron -5’s plan. There is a countdown where a keyword will activate a program to give Kyron-5 total interface potential. I assume that is bad. It will need the vile of Texmexium to do this.
Nim and Brooklyn disagree on a plan. Brooklyn wants to fix the Gunhed and Nim and Eleven are going to climb the complex walls.
While Brooklyn is fucking around with Gunhed, the Bio-droid attacks. Just when it is about to kill Brooklyn, the Jap. Girl, that fell in the limeonade, resists. She saves his life. Brooklyn informs Nim that the Bio-droid is alive. He also tells her the Gunhed’s engine is busted. He can’t fix it. So he fixes it. Brooklyn and his talking Gunhed can now embark on an hour long drive to the bio-dome that houses Kyron 5. Yaaaaaaay! They encounter numerous problems along the way. None are entertaining; all are painful.
Finally, Gunhed reaches the bio-dome. He has to battle Aerobot there. If you make it through the bullshit hour it took to reach the bio-dome, you will have zero interest in what happens at this point. Gunhed and Aerobot battle. Blah. It fucking sucks. Gunhed gets fucked up, but not before destroying Aerobot in a last ditch effort. Actually, Brooklyn picks up Gunhed’s gun that is twice his size, solid steel, and pretty much impossible to lift and finishes off Aerobot. It’s Fucking brutal. Gunhed then says to Brooklyn, “Let’s rock” and destroys Kyron-5. The Bio-droid dies when Jap. Girl pulls the pin on her grenade. Since she is linked to the Bio-droid, it dies with her. That’s it, game over man, fucking game over. Thank fuck.
No wonder I don't post enough . . . you have all the good movies.
ReplyDelete