Ding Dong, You're Dead.
This movie use to scare the shit out of me as a kid. I still had to watch it with the lights on wrapped up in my favorite blanky. I predict you will get a little tinkle in your pants as well.
This movie doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but I have never lived in a haunted house, so this could be how shit goes down. Accept it for what it is, because you know fuck all about fuck all. Your bat-shit crazy Grandma complaining that the toaster is haunted doesn't give you the right to cut this movie up, so fuck off.
The second biggest pussy on the planet, next to Richard Simmons, manages to make it home from Vietnam. He becomes a writer and tries to write a book about his personal experiences in The Nam. He had a lot of experience in being a useless fuck, while his buddy Big Ben was the true hero. Not unlike myself.
Back in Nam, Pussy, Big Ben and the platoon were sent on a recon mission in the La Drang Valley. Anyone that has been to The Nam knows that the La Drang valley is no nature hike. It's a nightmare you can never forget. It's something that you hippy fucks could never understand. If you're lucky, you make it out of The Nam in one piece, but even then... a part of you never leaves. You can never go back to who you were before the war. All that blood and guts changes a man. You don't just turn it off! It wasn't my war. They asked me; I didn't ask them. And I did what I had to do to win, but somebody wouldn't let us win! And I come back to the world and I see all those maggots at the airport! Protesting me! Spitting! Calling me a baby killer and all kinds of vile crap! Who are they to protest me, huh!? Who are they!? Unless they've bin me, and bin there, and know what the hell they're yelling about! Deep breaths. Deep breaths. Sorry about that. Anyways, during the recon mission, Big Ben and Pussy are tasked with walking point. Big Ben is excited for the opportunity to wax some Zipperheads. Pussy, not so much. He constantly complains to Big Ben about holding position when he should have been looking out for Charlie. Then they get the drop on them and Charlie unloads on Big Ben. He's fucked. He begs Pussy to finish him off before Charlie gets him, but Pussy can't do it. He goes for help instead. When Pussy looks back, he sees four VC dragging Big Ben off into the jungle. They torture him for weeks before he finally succumbs to his wounds. All because Pussy was too much of a pussy to end his misery. The curly headed fuck! This is the reason he is having such trouble writing his book.
It's Pussy's aunt that owned the house. Pussy, his wife, and son use to live with her. One day his son goes missing from his side. He frantically looks for him and sees him drowning in the pool. Pussy jumps in after him, but his son goes missing completely. Not even a body. The aunt tries to tell them that it was the house that took his son, but he will have none of it. As time passes and their son is still missing, it takes its toll on their marriage. They separate from each other.
All this shit that happens takes no time in the movie. The movie really starts when Pussy's aunt hangs herself in her bedroom. She lived in a haunted house for more than 40 years, but somehow it finally tricks her into killing herself. When Pussy inherits the house, he decides to move back and work on his book. He thinks the solitude will clear his writers block.
As soon as Pussy moves in, the house starts fucking with him. Every night at 12AM a monster materializes in the aunts’ bedroom closet. After it attacks him, Pussy makes it his mission to get a picture of it and kill it. He enlists the help of George Wendt to do this. Why he would get the help of a fat fuck like George Wendt I will never know. Pussy gets pulled through the closet and ends up back in The Nam. While there, a haggard Big Ben tries to blast him with his M60. Pussy narrowly escapes back through the closet. Back in the house he sees a painting from his crazy aunt. There is a picture of his son trapped in the bathroom mirror, so Pussy smashes it and goes in after him. It turns out that Big Ben stole his kid and trapped him in a 3'X2' cage for however many years. The kid would be tender like a piece of veal after that long, but he has no muscle atrophy at all. You are a fag if you actually give a shit about something like that. They manage to escape back into the house, but Big Ben catches up with them. After an epic battle, Pussy kills Big Ben and they live happily ever after. Except for George Wendt, he is still a fat, lonely, asshole.
It's a great movie with cool looking shit for the eighties. They use costumes and claymation for the monsters, so you know they look better than 90% of the CG they use now. There is a total lack of gratuitous nudity for an eighties movie, but I can forgive them. You should to.
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