Monday, December 21, 2009

Gale Force (2002)

Candy is a treat, but Treat Williams is something else.

What? How did they know? How did the parents of Treat Williams know that he was going to be so goddamn good? I mean to have such an outstanding offspring and then appropriately name him, "Treat"? Who were these people and how do I thank them enough?

Treat Williams is the best thing to happen to Hollywood since that young buck cop from Detroit blew us away with his one liners and ruthless pursuit of Victor Maitland. Treat Williams is to the big screen what Larry Bird was to basketball. Not just white, but also the classiest, most talented, and strangely attractive motherfucker in the business. His acting style will affect you right where it counts… in the pants. If you don't have a raging case of cement dick after watching Gale Force, then you better check to make sure your rod is still there. Not only does watching this movie cure impotency, it will give your wife/girlfriend the orgasm of her life. She better have the blow drier handy for that wet stain or the dog's going to be on that tuna crotch like an injun on a welfare cheque.

Thank God they finally made a storm movie worthy of my time. I thought that that bastard George Clooney ruined the genre for good. He should never be cast for anything but a coma patient. Then he would know what it feels like to watch one of his movies. Watch it! Don't get too close, that insult is burning. You're G.D. right it is.

Let's pretend that you are a moron and Treat Williams doesn't sell this movie. You're thinking, "Wouldn't it be great if another wicked actor was in this 24 carat movie?" Hmmm... Watch out! How about Michael fucking Dudikoff? Sorry. I should have warned you. Go clean the splooge off of your pants. Believe it or not, the American Ninja is also in this movie. He brings a whole other element of ass-kickery to this gem. WARNING: Dudikoff is pissed off in this one and he's packing.

I’m not even going to mention that Tim Thomerson is in this movie. No one could possibly handle that much excitement. The greatest B actor of all time is probably not in this movie... nor Booger. Don’t worry.

The premise for Gale Force is pretty basic. Why complicate something that is already so great. Assholes are invited to compete on a treasure hunt game show. The prize is 10 million clams. Not too bad for a days work. Everyone is dropped off on an island and Treat Williams finds the money, right? Not the case. The twist is that Dudikoff and some crack mercenaries are paid to fuck up the contestants. The game host plans on keeping the coin for himself. It’s just too bad he picked the wrong contestant. Treat Williams!

Treat Williams plays an ex-cop that lost his badge for being too cool. Cool guys don’t play by the rules and Treat is no exception. For example: How do you make a hot dog? BBQ some lips and assholes, put it on a bun, and throw some shitty sauce on it. That’s how YOU would do it, but that’s not how Treat and I would do it. Treat grabs a fork, turns on the stove element, roasts that little fucker right over the element, and then dips it right in the mustard jar. That is recipe for cool, right there.

So they put this cool guy on the island that fucks up all of their plans. The combination of Treat Williams and an equally destructive category 5 hurricane is something not to be fucked with. You had better just get the hell out of the way. Dudikoff doesn’t get out of Treat's way and ends up paying the ultimate price for it.
Believe me when I tell you that, if you watch Treat Williams and Dudikoff interact in this movie too closely, your head will explode. It's that good.


  1. No Billy Drago in the poll???? I'll Treat Williams a hot dog in Billy's honour.

  2. I know. Shit's fucked. Billy Drago wouldn't win anyways. He is awesome, but tough shit.

  3. Treat william is best in this movie.I really like the story line of the friend didn't like the movie but I do.So depend upon your choice whether to watch or not.

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