SHITASTIC B MOVIE REVIEWS

Fist of the North Star (1995)

2011-12-19T18:49:00.000-05:00

Comparable to winning the lottery while taking a shit. It's that satisfying.

Finding words to describe Fist of the North Star is like trying to find the Arab word for shower. It's fucking impossible. But, not unlike our furry Jihadists, video does a pretty damn good job of getting the point across.

These are just a few clips from Fist of the North Star. In all honesty, you could take any part of the movie and piss yourself laughing. Gary Daniels is one of those rare breeds (not so rare) that can't act for shit, but is a pleasure to watch on screen. Probably because he could roundhouse your ugly mug in a pair of work boots.

Reason #1 why this movie rocks and Gary Daniels is cooler than you will ever be:

Can you heal blind Asians with some faggy hand gestures? Maybe your father didn't tell you how, but Gary Daniels father did. It's not your fault he was ashamed of you and didn't want his friends to see his pathetic offspring. Maybe if you grew a mullet, he would have something to be proud of.

Reason #2 is that Gary Daniels is stronger than a queef in a space suit.

I would like to see any MMA fighter survive that. What just happened? You just got your head fucking crushed. That's what just happened. Dana would cream his jeans if he got a hold of Gary's video resume. Then, Gary would pop his giant fucking skull for being an unbearable prick.

Reason #3 is that you get to see someone fingered to death. Well, close to it anyways.

That's right, buddy! You did just see the coolest thing ever. That is some devastating shit right there.

Reason #4 is the sheer intensity Gary Daniels shows:

Could you imagine someone eyeballing you like that? You would be standing in a puddle of piss before you had the chance to run for your life. The best thing to do would be to play dead. Gary Daniels wouldn't be able to recognise the acting. You don't need acting skills when you are cast for a role that resembles your reality.

#5 There is no shortage of great quotes in this movie. Such as this one delivered by Chris Penn:

That's just one of thousands of lameass quotes delivered in Fist of the North Star. From start to finish is an endless supply of sayings, to get you knuckled by your friends. Who better than the fat retard, Chris Penn, to deliver such gold?

Reason #6 is that they know just the right amount of cheese required for a shitastic movie. As you can see in this scene, they know when enough is enough:

What's the matter? Haven't you ever seen an aneurysm caused by a chest massage? You need to get out more, because that shit happens all the time.

That's just six clips when I could have posted the whole movie. It is that great. Anyone that says otherwise is a goddamn liar. Mullet+Martial Arts+Wasteland = Better than any of the shit Hollywood pumps out these days. Not to mention, Malcolm McDowell is in it.

Fist of the North Star Trailer:

Bloodsport (1988)

2010-12-17T19:50:00.000-05:00

I dedicate this post to my Shidoshi.

Dux! Dux my man! Blood Sport is a true classic in every sense of the word. It stars the legendary actor Frank Dux and is based upon the real life events of Jean-Claude Van Damme. Jean-Claude Van Damme was the first American to ever win the Kumite. The Kumite is an underground martial-arts tournament featuring the crème de la crème of martial-artists. It is where the worlds best meet to test their metal and fight for the honor of being named, "Champion". Jean-Claude was the best of these assholes. His business was ass kicking, and business was good.

Jean-Claude started training Ninjitsu at a young age under the tutelage of Master Tanaka. It is here that he learned the principles of honor, respect, and if someone gives you shit, you kick it down their throat. Frank Dux does an amazing job of portraying this aspect of Jean-Claude in the early scenes of Bloodsport. It is a privilege to see Frank Dux on screen portrayal of Van Damme's childhood, training, and to see him grow from a young punk into the superstar he is today. Without Master Tanaka, you wouldn't have such blockbusters as Desert Heat, Legionnaire, Wake of Death, and Derailed. For, it was Master Tanaka that taught him the art of acting. And holy shit did he ever teach him well.

Something that you may find surprising about Van Damme is that, unlike most fighters, he is not the meat-head you would expect. He is responsible for some of the greatest inventions of the 20th century. For one: Jean-Claude was the inventor of the pleated pant.

His sense of style is truly shocking. It is completely unfair to woman everywhere. If by some miracle Van Damme's pants didn't put the ladies on their backs, then arguably his most important contribution to society definitely will, Dancejitsu!

The man has no bones! How else could he move like that?

After Frank Dux completes his training with Tanaka, he is awarded a ticket to the Kumite. He vows to win the tournament in honor of his Shidoshi. There is only one problem. It seems that Dux's army superiors won't let him fight in the Kumite, so he goes AWOL and heads to Hong Kong anyways. It is here that he meets his future best friend, Jackson. Jackson is accepting challenges at arcade Kung Fu in some shitty hotel where the rooms are cheap and the pussy cheaper. Dux accepts and stuns Jackson with his video game skills. It was love at first sight. It is also here where he meets some of his competition. Some dip-shit reporter gets herself into hot water when she tries to question one of the fighters that ends up being a hardcore rapist. When he tries to get into her tickle-trunk, Dux saves the day by putting foot to face. This obviously impresses her and Dux eventually bangs her.

When Dux shows up to the Kumite, the people in charge are not impressed with his skin colour (white). They think he is some pussy undeserving of the right to fight in such an event. Now he must prove himself worthy. They set up some bricks for Dux to break and Dux tells them to pick one. Jackson picks the top brick, but no one listens to him because he is a fucking idiot. Dux must break the bottom brick. After some breathing exercise shit, Dux gets shit done and impresses the shitheads running the Kumite. Jackson breaks a brick on his ape skull and is also entered. The fights are awesome. Dux and Jackson plow through their competition, until Jackson has to go against Chong-Li. Jackson nails him with a Kirk-esque two handed hammer and puts him down. While "yeah"ing like a fucking moron, instead of stomping Chong-Li's face into mud, Chong-Li gets up and beats the living shit out of Jackson. He is offended by Jackson's jogging pants and rightly so. He stomps his head and puts him in the hospital. Dux is really fucking pissed now.

On the way home, Dux eats some mushrooms and starts seeing Chong-Li in the window of the bus. He is really hurt'n' so the reporter fucks him better. When Dux wakes and heads to the Kumite, two yahoos from the army try to stop him. He distracts them with wicked 80's music and leads them in a chase across Hong Kong. They end up falling in the water and looking like complete assholes when it is all said and done. Dux runs into more trouble when he gets to the Kumite. The local police are also after him. Dux gets one hell of a warm-up by beating the shit out of the entire Hong Kong police force. Their martial-arts skills are no match for Dux.

Dux makes it to the finals against Chong-Li where he displays his devastating triple-kick.

He beats the piss out of him, but Chong-Li throws baking soda in his eyes. Now Dux can't see and Chong-Li fucks his shit up. After some futile arm waving and screaming, Dux gets his shit together. He meditates in the ring while Chong-Li sits back and plays with himself. When Chong-Li eventually comes after him, Dux uses his superior mental skills and counters his every move, until he makes him say, "Matte". This of course means, "I give up". I matte writing any more of this review.

Stone Cold (1991)

2010-08-24T18:20:00.000-04:00

Buh!? You are unaware just how awesome Stone Cold is? Take your fucking head out of the sand. That's where cats shit.

Wow! This movie has guns, drugs, booze, motorcycles, whorish women, and top notch action. It also has The Boz, Lance Henricksen, and William Forsythe. Yet, this is not the reason for Stone Cold being such a fantastic fucking movie. You ask, "What else could it be, all of that, but there is something else?" You're goddamn right there is something else. Something so great and masculine, that if you tried to compare yourself to it, your dick would fall off and you would grow great tits. What could it be? Picture the most heavenly haircut imaginable. Something so majestic that unicorn’s pound off to it. Do you have it yet? What a fantastic fucking mullet. Styled with the vaginal discharge of twenty year old girls that are drawn to it like fly’s to shit. The Boz's mullet is one of the best. It is second only to the king of mullets, Billy Ray Cyrus. Here is the Mullet Hierarchy as I see it:

You may argue with the Mullet Hierarchy, but there can be no doubt as to who the king is. You may think you know of some better mullets than the other candidates, but it's my list, so fuck off. I'm not a goddamn hairdresser. You can take your shear-toting-pussy-hand and shove it up your ass. Billy Ray Cyrus's mullet makes god jealous.

Stone Cold is one of those movies you have to see to believe. I could try and drive it into your head with a bat, but you really can't appreciate its awesomeness, untill you see it. The Boz plays... correction: portrays (The Boz doesn't fuck around) an undercover officer that infiltrates a motorcycle gang. These assholes are true 1%ers. Lance Henricksen is their leader, Chains, and he takes shit from no one. Especially some suit on a power trip.

Chains attracts the authorities attention when he orders his posse to "crack the whip" on Whipperton. Whipperton is the DA that had just sent a patched member of The Brotherhood (The MC Club) to the pokie. What he doesn't realize is that, "Those colours don't run!" and his actions are an act of war.

The Boz catches William Forsythe's eye by kicking the living shit out of some dicks causing shit in a titty bar. He also had a little help from some lame do-gooder cop that fucks gross chicks and is an annoying germaphobe. The Boz thinks this guy is a joke, but lets it slide.

The Boz's actions in the titty bar earn him an invite to a rally that The Brotherhood is putting on. While there, The Boz kicks more ass and gives Chains a serious hard on. William Forsythe suspects he's a cop, but Chains wants him as his enforcer. When The Boz goes back to his rapist van, Chains is in there with his old lady. He tells The Boz he wants to talk with him, but right now he can tear a strip out of his old lady. The Boz doesn't give a fuck who Chains is. He tells him to get the hell out of his rapist van, and to take his skank-whore with him. This only makes Chains boner grow bigger. Needless to say, The Boz gains access to The Brotherhood.

The rest of the movie, untill the end, The Boz is doing jobs, kicking ass, and gaining the trust of Chains. I'm kind of downplaying just how awesome it is, but I don't want to write the next great American novel. Just trust me when I tell you that it's great.

The Boz ends up finding out that The Brotherhood's whole plan is to assassinate Whipperton. This can't happen. There is only one man that can stop these fucks, and The Boz is his name.

The ending to this movie is so good. The Brotherhood invades a courthouse and blasts the fuck out of everyone inside. Then The Boz arrives. Chains rides up on the back of some dudes bike and is all like, "Beardo, take this joker out!" So, Beardo starts revving the engine up, all hardcore and shit, to boost the RPM’s. Then he lets ‘er fly! Like the badass that he is, The Boz just stands there. Then he pulls out his shotty and unloads a round into Beardo’s chest. Beardo goes flying off the bike, and The Boz dodges it just in time. Meanwhile Mr. Helicopter is buzzing around outside, and wham! The bike, that the Boz just dodged, goes flying through the window and right into the chopper! Do you believe it! Unaffected by the amazing incident that just occurred, The Boz continues on justiceing the rest of The Brotherhood. Then he comes across the court room. Well, I don’t have to tell you that The Boz was not happy with the chaos that Chains inflicted upon that courtroom. The Boz is all, “Chains is going to pay for this… with his life!” Then, out of nowhere, Chains gets the drop on The Boz. So, the movie ends right there, right? Wrong! The Boz knocks the gun out of the hand of chains and administers him an ass-kicking. It’s an epic brawl that climaxes when The Boz sticks his .45 in the face of chains, and tells him something so tough that I shook in fear. Then, The Boz pulls the trigger. Click! It’s empty! Chains is shitting himself at this point and passes out. He tumbles down the stairs and The Boz arrests him. Game over, right? Not yet! Hold the fuck on! Chains grabs a cops gun, and Clickety-Clack! Someone’s dead. Who could it be? The Boz? Nope! Germaphobe-Fag-Cop outdrew Chains, and he put two into him for good measure. Then Germaphobe says something super-cool like, “Ain’t no thang but a chicken wang” The Boz doesn’t respond. He just stares at him. The Boz doesn’t have to say anything, because you can see it in his eyes. You can see what The Boz is thinking, and it’s 100% respect for Pussy Cop. First he thought Germaphobe was a suit wearing pussy, but now The Boz realizes that he is the real deal. Cue the wicked 80’s music and credits.

It's over. There is only one thing left to do. You had better go take care of that cement dick that you have been sporting for the hour and a half that this glorious movie was on for. Be sure to knock on the bathroom door when you go. Your wife has been fisting herself since she took her first glance at The Boz's mullet. Put your shoes on. It’s going to be messy in there.

Stone Cold Trailer:

Space Truckers (1996)

2010-06-08T23:24:00.000-04:00

Redneck Fucks in outer space!

This is the movie you walked past in the video store a million times. It always caught your eye, but the risk of it being complete shit was too high. You pussied out then, because you are a big pussy, so don’t pussy out now. You will never get over, or stop being a pussy, until you remedy the problem. You must watch Space Truckers, or you could end up being a pussy for the rest of your pathetic life… Pussy!

Dennis Hopper stars, George Wendt dies early (thank fuck!), and Stephen Dorff holds his own. You could match up Dennis Hopper with any old asshole and I would still say that the cast was out-fucking-standing! He has done so many shitacular movies, I feel like I owe him head. That is a debt that I will gladly renege on. I assume he pounds twenty year old ass anyways.

Dennis Hopper is the go to guy when you need some shit trucked in space. This guy is fucking good. He may not be the cheapest, but if you want your shit busted up, hire some other asshole. Hire a space Mexican. He will guarantee that your shit is late and broke as fuck. George Wendt doesn't want his shit broke as fuck, so he goes with Dennis Hopper. Good choice, George. What isn’t a good choice, is trying to fuck over the Den for Men. George Wendt is a retard and tries to short pay Dennis Hopper. Asshole! Dennis, do you mind if I call you Big D? Okay! Big D will have none of Wendt’s bullshit and busts his goon in the mouth. Wendt tucks his balls between his legs and scurries away. But the fat fuck isn’t done yet! When Big D is macking some young piece of ass, Wendt hijacks his load. Now Big D is up shit creek without a paddle. He is forced to take a high risk job hauling some super-secret-cargo-shit. But not before Wendt compromises the space stations hull integrity, and he has his fat ass sucked through a window no bigger than a midgets fat fucking head. Big D has also teamed up with Stephen Dorff and some young candy by this point.

After Big D leaves the station and loses some pesky bears, his rig breaks down in the middle of but-fuck nowhere. The outer space version of. Shit couldn’t get any worse... until they start running out of oxygen. Now they are fucked for sure. Big D goes on a space walk to try and solve the problem. During this time, that piece of shit Stephen Dorff tries to rail Big D’s woman. He uses some lame-ass excuse about it being too hot. Just so he can drop his drawers. What a two faced fuck!

Just as Big D is about to meet his maker, miracle shit happens. Some space hick in a Peterbilt pulls up to Big D. If it isn’t Will T. Riker! Riker, looking all suave with his stellar beard, solves an impossible situation. Just like he has countless times before. Fuck yeah! Now Riker and Big D are hauling loads together! Obviously this makes it difficult to contain your shit. You have just been mind fucked by your excitement.

Obviously no one is dumb enough to fuck with a duo like Big D and Riker... except maybe one person. Or many that operate as one. You guessed it! The Borg! The Borg show up in the biggest, most powerfull, badass rig Riker or Big D have ever seen. This beaver trap is decked out! They show up shooting green shit and try to jack both loads. Well, fuck that! Neither Big D nor Riker has ever lost a load to space pirates and they aren’t about to start now. They slam the pedal to the goddamn floorboards and try to outrun those cyborg fucks. These guys can fucking drive! But the Borg rig is too fast. Riker CB‘s Big D and says, “That Harvey Wallbanger is at our back door.” It disables Big D and Riker’s rig and then tracto beams their rigs into its own trailer. How fucking cool is that!?

It looks like it’s all over for my boys. They might as well surrender... Pfffff! Do you have shit for brains!? Big D throws on a meshback and torn wranglers. Riker throws on a plaid button-up and He-Mans the sleeves off. Then they both grab a tire iron with bad intentions. They are going to show the Borg that no one fucks with Dixie. No one! They strut their way through the Borg rig smashing every tin fuck in site. The Borg is learning a valuable lesson. Don’t mess with a space-hick. They will fuck your shit up. Big D and Riker crush the Borg and then wire the rig to blow. They free their trucks and get the hell out of there, just before... KABLAMO!!!! There is green shit everywhere! Big D and Riker look back and admire their handy work. Then Riker says over the CB, “10-10 till we do it again. We gone.” Big D and Riker part ways to deliver their shit.

How fucking great does this movie sound!? Awesome! I fell asleep halfway through the movie, but I assume that everything I wrote is as exactly as it happened. I can’t think of a reason why Riker wouldn’t show up.

Prove me wrong.

Space Truckers Trailer:

Fuck we're LAZY

2010-06-03T11:53:00.002-04:00

I just wanted to point out that we've been pretty fucking lazy.

Savage Streets (1984)

2010-04-08T18:14:00.000-04:00

Naked girls fighting in the shower!

Pretty not bad at all. This movie is nice and violent. Linda Blair stars as the head female, Brenda. Brenda likes to hang out with her friends as any American teenager does. She gets into mischief and neglects her academics in order to party and stay out late. You know the way kids are. One night while out for a stroll with her friends and retard sister, Brenda decides to play a prank on a group of skids that harass her. The girls steal their cherry ride and dump a load of garbage into it, then revel in the delight. Their delight is short lived. An action like this must have consequences.

During a titty scene, where Brenda is fighting a hoochie in the girls shower, her retard sister waits for her in the gymnasium. All in all, it’s not a bad titty scene. There are a few dimple asses and pancake nipples, but you have to take the good with the bad. Anyways, the fight delays Brenda while the retard waits. Then one of the skids finds her in the gymnasium and starts making eyes with her. He tells her she is beautifull and gives her a smooch on the lips. The retard likes it. She has never kissed a boy before, but then the skidder starts getting rough and forcefull. The retard tries to get away, but the other skids block the exits. They drag her out of the gymnasium and into the boy’s bathroom. They force her onto the floor and run a train on her. The great thing about raping a mute retard is that she can’t say no. For this reason, it’s not their fault. How were they supposed to know she wasn’t into getting laid on a piss soaked bathroom floor. It doesn’t count if she signs no. Just like, it doesn’t count if you rape a girl that speaks another language.

For some reason, many of the movies I watched lately are really into rape scenes. It’s not my fault. It's not as if I'm specifically searching them out for this reason. I think it was a really popular trend in the 80’s. The scene in this movie is pretty graphic. If you don’t feel a little uncomfortable watching it, then you should turn yourself in now. It’s only a mater of time before you join the exclusive sex offender database. Then in five years, you will look like this:

Seriously, if you are into that sort of thing, I can get you a great deal on a 1974 Ford Econoline van. The body is in great shape, but you would probably want to add an aftermarket teardrop window. I’ll even throw in a set of curtains for the rear doors. If you grab some bleach and a roll of duct tape, you’ll be Buffalo Bill’n’ like nobodies business in this sweet ride:

So, after they rape the retard, Brenda loses her shit. She vows to find whoever did it and bring them to justice… street justice. The skidders end up going too far and the nutless one rats them out by accident. When Brenda finds out that they are the ones that raped her sister, she goes vigilante. Now those fuckers will pay. Lucky for Brenda, the Army Surplus is having a sale on bear traps. Why the fuck would you ever have to put bear traps on sale? I don’t know, but Brenda loves a good deal, so she takes advantage of the bear trap sale. She sets the traps up in a warehouse and lures the skids there by promising to let them rape her. Then the bitch plays hard to get! The nerve of her. She fucks them up and would live happily ever after, but she still has a retard for a sister and that sucks.

Savage Streets Trailer:

Kill Crazy (1990)

2010-03-29T17:27:00.012-04:00

This movie is shittier than the inside of Dom DeLuise's colon!

Kids, let me take you back to a more wholesome time. Back in the 1980's, cable wasn't great. People went to the video store and rented VHS tapes. You'd watch 6 or 7 movies a week. They didn't have to be good movies, they'd still get watched. Typically, if a movie had any HINT of action, say.... a crazy dude on the cover with a headband and a gun.... it would get your attention. We didn't have the internet to read a review. We trusted our eyes. By the cover, this movie looks awesome... but it sucks shit.

Anyway, I dug a VCR out of the closet that was left in my place by a former tenant. Hooked it up. BOOBIES! there was a vhs porno inside. I went and washed my hands.

Okay, so these shell-shocked Vietnam vets are allowed out of their nut ward for a weekend camping trip. They are the most pussified vets I have ever seen. They seem about as hard as a cock in front of a naked Rosie O'Donnel. On the way into the woods they're singing she'll be coming around the mountain.... BUT THEN!!!!! they spark a J. SO badass.

When they get settled in and camping, they light a fire and we get this gem "I come from a long line of weenie roasters... my dad used to roast his weenie in my mom every night". I tell you, that was funny.

Sometimes, directors will use a flashback to build background into a story. Our hero, Jim Anderson, has a flashback of 'nam while sitting around the fire - EXCEPT IT DOESN'T SHOW THE FLASHBACK, JUST HIM STARING INTO SPACE! LAME!

Morning comes and one of their lads is missing. Another wanders into the woods and sees him hung from a tree dead. He then gets whacked. Jim and the other remaining 3 nut jobs decide to get the fuck out of dodge. Just as they're about clear, the come upon a closed gate and are rounded up by a Militia. The leader of the militia, Mallerd, let's them know that they're going to be target practice. He outfits them with weapons and gives them an hour head start to run into the mountains. This is very difficult for the whiny fat annoying fuck that talks like a stupid bitch. Oh, p.s., the militia is called "The New Force - the white arm of the neglected law" HAHAHAHA. Fuck me.

The movie now gets some potential. We see two girls heading into the mountains to camp. They don't immediately disrobe, so I find myself hardly watching the movie again.

Okay, so the militia starts hunting down the nuts from the mental hospital. Assholes from vet hospital - campers - running into mountains to hide, they're under fire, oh the humanity, flashbacks to nam! no flashback though, just the idea of it, ahhhhh electrical fence, one down, oh no! ahhhh! nooooo ... FINALLY we get flashback, charlie taking aim, no, no, no, no, no ahhhhh!

Jim runs away and everyone else is captured, but Jim is caught by some skinny dweeb that makes him choose between getting shot or launching off a cliff. He jumps off cliff and faceplants. Haha, we are to believe it killed him, for time being. Blah blah blah, the captured dudes are being tortured. yawn.

MOTHERFUCKER, HE DIDN'T DIE IN FALL OFF CLIFF, NOW HE'S FUCKIN OUT FOR REVENGE! WHAT A PIECE OF SHIT! HE stumbles to water and seems okay. The girls hear someone nearby! it's our nut-ward hero! Who are you? they ask. Anderson, I didn't mean to scare you, I just smelt some food, and I... ughhh, he passes out and later wakes up crying like a nut, oh its a dream, they assume he's a soldier and - cut to morning - they feed him breakfast. Oh comedy, he doesn't want it because it's shittily cooked and when they aren't looking he feeds the food to the DOG HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA.

TITTIES! holy! - the girl looks like Angela from Who's the Boss, and we see HER TITS! oh my, Danza, you lucky bastard! Fuck, get on with the revenge already. If I wanted to see tits i'd just throw the shitty 1980's VHS porn back in.

I'll be fucked if the militia doesn't find them. Dude comes and starts getting his rapin' on with Rachel, the other girl stumbles in and the dude whacks Rachel and captures the other gal. We are left pondering if he finished or not.

Anderson decides he's going to rescue everyone and goes to where they're held prisoner but, just as he's about to free them, a bad guy gets the jump and wastes another of his buddies. The annoying fat friend tells Jim that he was raped. I don't believe him and neither will a judge, so he better just keep his mouth shut. This movie is so bad. Anyway, Jim frees the chick, the fat fuck, and a black dude (who is wounded and on a stretcher. They find the girls truck, but it won't start. Like every fucking time a car won't start, the distributor has been fucked up.

Are you on the edge of your seat reading this! IT'S FUCKING INTENSE!

In case you wondered, Jim Anderson lets us know that Vietnam is like dying every day and going to hell. GRENADE!!!!! SOMEONE THREW A GRENADE!!!!! black guy rolls on it and dies, and then the fat fuck is KILLED. IT'S CRAZY! JUST JIM AND THE CHICK ARE LEFT AND JIM GOES KILL CRAZY!!!!!!

This is awful.

Celery bustin' fist fight ensues. It's trouble. JIM GOES KILL CRAZY AGAIN AND KILLS TWO MORE DUDES! Mallerd butt ends him and he's down. AHAHAHAHAHAHAH, they bury him alive, but he's rescued when the girls pet dog digs him up, hahahahahahahahaha. This is absurd, it's so absurd it's awesome - psyche! MORE RAPE! Guy gets his rape on with who's the boss, she's a biter, he's a nerd. This is so bad. It's making me cry.

HE IS FUCKING KILL CRAZY, HE IS KILLING THEM ALL! THEY MESSED WITH THE WRONG PSYCHE PATIENT. OH MY WORD! When the leaping shotgun blast to the chest from 50 yards kills a guy, you know it's on.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA "If you bury a man you sure better make sure he's dead" pure rip-off from hang em high! Cut to combat roll and shooting a guy from 4 feet. This is so action packed! AND BAD! I blanked out, but everyone is dead but our hero and his chick.

"You want a definition of sympathy? you'll find it in the dictionary between shit and syphallis". Jim kills Mallerd and that's a rap. Jim and Chick get married and fuck a bunch. We don't see this though... here's hoping for part two. I say call it "Kill Crazy 2: Still Crazy".

That's it. That's the movie. IT IS AWESOME!

Megaforce (1982)

2010-03-25T14:03:00.005-04:00

U.S. Military policy “Don’t ask, don’t tell” backfires large!

Megaforce is an elite fighting unit that operates all over the world, whenever a member nation calls on it. All member countries contribute with technology and manpower… I believe they have sixty men. They look like the San Francisco division of the National Guard. When you are battling tyranny half way across the world in some blazing desert, you have got to look your best. Nothing scares your enemy quite like sixty queers dressed in lycra onesies. Ace hunter screams gay. Isn’t that right, Ace?

This movie is from 1982, so it’s just about the time between special effects being complete shit or bearable. For this reason, I was little apprehensive going into this movie. Luckily they cheesed it right up at the start with a mesmerizing dirt bike training exercise. Three dudes did wheelies through a canyon, while shooting bike mounted rockets at balloons flying through the air. It was quite breathtaking. If I was American, it would make me proud to be an American.

As the movie went on, I started to realize that the cheese was starting to rot. It got to the point where the cheese had completely turned to shit, and I realized that Megaforce actually fucking sucked.

They end up sending Megaforce to combat Ace’s old buddy who is causing a ruckus in some Middle East shithole. Now, normally this would prove to be quite the challenge for sixty regular men. Luckily Megaforce is equipped with the most advance technology and best trained men that the world has to offer. There is nothing regular about these assholes. These assholes are so good that they lose, maybe, three vehicles in the battle, but no soldiers. I hate to admit it, but Delta Force pretty much used the same vehicles. The difference is that Delta Force refrained from queering them up, and Megaforce tried to make them look futuristic. Well, they fail large. Also, Delta Force is an amazing movie and this one grovels at its feet.

Megaforce ends up getting fucked over by politics, and they have to find their own way out of whatever country. The problem is, Ace’s buddy has regrouped and cut off their exit. How the hell are they going to escape now? Oh, they will just sneak up from behind, blow the shit out of the tanks, and bee line for the transport plane. At this point, the movie is so far gone that you think nothing can shock you. But then it happens. Some asshole actually wrote this into the movie thinking it would be so fucking cool. This is how the movie ends and Ace escapes:

Bahahahaha! That's so fucking lame. I can't bare it.

Megaforce Trailer:

A Boy and His Dog (1975)

2010-03-21T20:05:00.001-04:00

A guy roaming around a post-apocalyptic wasteland looking for trim? Yeah, I’d watch that.

This movie is based on a best selling novel, so the author was probably a rapist. A Boy and His Dog is a pretty fucked up movie. After WW4 the world is just a desert shithole. We nuked the hell out of it, and now food and women are scarce. Lots of movies talk about WW3, but how many talk about WW4? Think about how original this movie already is. The weird thing is that this movie was made in the 70’s and it talks about WW3 going from 1950-1983. How the hell does that make sense? No matter.

The move really makes you go, “what the fuck?” when Don Johnson starts talking to his dog. He uses ESP to communicate with his dog that has a special talent to sense where and when women are around. The dog uses this ability to bribe Don Johnson into feeding him. In return, the dog tells him where the women are so that he can go and rape them at gun point. Not a bad little deal for either of them. And since women are so few, this makes it perfectly acceptable to take away all of their rights, accept one. The right to get fucked. We all know it’s not rape if she ends up liking it anyways.

The movie gets even weirder when three yahoo’s set a trap for Donny. His dog detects a female in cahoots with the three jag-offs and lets Donny know. Thinking with his dick, Donny tracks her down and rapes the shit out of her. Normally, he would love her and leave her, but she is too fine for Donny to pass up. She pretends to fall in love with him, after a night of banging, and lures him underground. His dog ends up waiting on the surface.

Now you find out what they are really up to. Donny gets captured underground for breeding purposes. After years of inbreeding, the colony requires new juice to impregnate their women. At first this excites Donny, and he thinks he is going to get to pound all the broads he can handle, but it’s not the case. They hook him up to a dick pump and farm his sauce to give to the women instead. He must pack one hell of load for the amount of women lined up to turkey baste themselves. At the same time, the piece of ass that set him up realizes that the council is not going to give her what she wants for screwing Donny, so she helps him escape. She tries to get him to kill the council, but he tells her to fuck off and they escape to the surface.

When Donny and the bitch get to the surface, the dog is suffering from severe starvation. Donny was underground for quite a while and the dog waited the whole time. This is when the best ending of all time happens. The bitch tries to get Donny to leave the dog and tells him they are too late to save him. Clearly, you aren’t going to let a pooch that loyal just die in front of you, so Donny shoots the girl and he and the dog eat her.

A Boy and His Dog Trailer:

The Ice Pirates (1984)

2010-03-16T18:21:00.001-04:00

If you have zero taste in movies, you will love this hunk of shit.

I read reviews of this movie before I was willing to spend an hour and a half watching it. Dipshits related it to Spaceballs and had me actually think that there could be funny parts. One idiot on IMDB says, “This has to be one of the funniest sci-fi spoofs ever made.” Clearly this person has an IQ of 30 and pisses their pants on a regular basis. Without knowing this person, I am positive that they are a huge Robin Williams fan. Basically, this movie is an hour and a half of Robin Williams jokes. This is a portrait of a douche bag:

This movie is a constant shit-barrage of lame jokes. Trust me. If you think it’s just me, watch this shit. If you end up liking it, your sense of humour is pathetic and you don’t deserve to live.

Maybe it’s a movie the whole family can watch. What about that? Nope. If you catch your kids watching this, God help them. This movie is why parental control was invented. Let them watch softcore instead. Let’s say you come home from a hard day of work. You put in your eight hours at your nine-to-fiver and are looking to relax with your perfect little family in your perfect little home. You walk in the door and say, “honey, I’m home. What’s on the stove? It smells delicious!” This triggers your typical conversation:
Susan - “Peter, I made you your favourite!”
Peter - “Pot Roast! I love you dear.”
Peter - “How long until it’s ready? Do I have time to have a shower and change for dinner?”
Susan - “It’s going to be about a half an hour.”
Peter - “Thanks, Hun. When I get back, I want to hear all about your day”

20 minutes later.

Susan - “Rachael! Thomas! Wash up for dinner. Your dad is going to be down any second.”
Thomas - “Out of my way, slut!”
Rachael - “Mom! Thomas pushed me.”
Susan - “Thomas, don’t push your sister. Behave, or I will tell your father.”
Peter - “This looks fantastic! Kids, how was school?”
Susan - “Rachael and Thomas stayed home today”
Susan - “They are running a fever.”
Peter - “Oh, that’s too bad. I hope you feel better.”
Peter - “Did you kids get lots of rest? What did you do all day?”
Thomas - “We slept in and we watched a movie.”
Rachael - “Yeah, it was really funny. We watched The Ice Pirates.”
Peter - “You what!”
Rachael - “We watched a movie called The Ice Pirates!”
Peter - “Fuck me! Susan, you let them watch that movie!?
Susan - “Honey, please don’t swear around the children.”
Peter - “You stupid bitch! Do you realise what you’ve done!?”
Susan - “Peter, you’re scaring me.”

SLAP!

Peter - “How could you let them watch that hunk of shit!?”

Susan, Thomas, and Rachael obviously start crying. Pussies.

Susan - “What’s wrong? It’s just a movie. It was rated PG and I thought they would find it funny.”
Peter - “They did find it funny! You have turned our innocent children into closet homosexuals!”
Peter - “The next thing you know, Thomas will be trying on his sisters panties and Rachael will be sniffing yours!”
Peter - “I leave the house and the whole fucking operation goes to shit!”
Susan - “I’m sorry. I never knew.”
Peter - “You never knew? You stupid son of a bitch!”
Peter - “Are you fucking retarded! You might as well let them watch Mrs. Doubtfire”
Susan - “Yeah, that’s a funny movie.”
Peter - “You Fuck! That’s it!”
Susan - “Peter don’t!”

CRACK!

Peter - “Look what you made me do. Look it!”
Thomas - “We are sorry daddy.”
Peter - “Sorry? I’ll be goddamned if I’m going to have a couple of queers living under my roof”
Peter - “there is only one way to fix this situation.”

If you catch your kids watching The Ice Pirates, only a steady dose of 80’s Schwarzenegger and Stallone movies can cure them. Throw in a little Lionheart and you have yourself one hell of a cocktail. It’s sure to cure any homosexual tendencies.

The Ice Pirates Trailer:

Dollman (1991)

2010-03-02T15:29:00.000-05:00

Holy Fuck! What a movie!

Tim Thomerson is so fucking great, it's ridiculous. He comes from the planet Arturus where he fucks dudes up for a living. He doesn't use faggy ninja kicks or homo-erotic karate chops either. You see, Thomerson packs the most powerful handgun in the universe. He displays just how powerful it is when he turns two dirty motherfuckers into mud. They were the henchmen of a flying head that Thomerson blew the body off of. The flying head tells Thomerson he has a dimensional bomb and is going to ransom the city. This is when the henchmen try to kill Thomerson and end up facked. When the flying head realizes that he shouldn't have fucked with Thomerson, he hovers his queer head into a spaceship and jets. Clearly, Thomerson isn't going to let someone so gay escape him. He jumps into a spaceship and tracks that fucker down.

The flying head and Thomerson end up crash landing on earth. More specifically, they crash land in the South Bronx. Clearly this area is packed full of Blacks and greasy Hispanics and is not somewhere you want to visit. Unless you enjoy being robbed or gang raped, then it's your kind of place. It wouldn't be such a big deal for Thomerson. He's packing way too much sac for any mulletard Hispanics to fuck with. All that would be left of them is a grease stain on their dirty Dickies jacket. There is only one problem. The people on Arturus are tiny compared to people on earth. It looks like the dirty fuckers are going to pose more of a problem than previously expected.

Like usual, two Hispanics try and rape some chick. Just before they can get their dicks wet, Thomerson pulls out his piece and blasts the dirty little bastards. Thankful she didn't get penetrated by a Mexican, she brings Thomerson back to her place to stay. Obviously she wants a full body fuck from Thomerson, but he has primo pussy on speed dial. He doesn't have to settle for a dirty immy. But he does stay at her place with her dipshit kid.

The flying head also has a run in with a couple of mulletards. He bribes them into helping him kill Thomerson by providing them with the dimensional bomb. Smart move, asshole! They end up grinding him into paste and taking the bomb.

Now it's Thomerson's turn, if they can find the time between their chimichangas, siestas, and dope dealing. They try and hunt Thomerson down, but get blasted at every encounter. No matter how many times Thomerson fucks them up, they never learn. Thirteen inches or thirteen feet, it doesn't matter. Thomerson is the toughest man in the universe. If you fuck with him, you will get fucked. If you want to be a poser, go buy a trench coat, wicked eighties shades, queer-stomping boots, and dye your hair white. Then you will also look tougher than a five pound shit. You will also get mad pussy.

After they get raped by Thomerson, they go after the slut instead. They kidnap her and most likely pound her puss. This makes Thomerson even angrier. He starts blowing everything up. It's "urban fucking renewal!"

Thomerson ends up finding the slut and has his final showdown with the greasy Hispanics. Obviously they aren't going to do much against Thomerson and he seriously fucks them all up.

A good movie with a hero from another planet? It's about fucking time. Tim Thomerson is so much better than some tights wearing faggot from Krypton, or group of tin assholes butchered by Michael Bay. He's thirteen inches tall, not twenty-eight feet, and he still gets shit done.

Dollman Trailer:

House (1986)

2010-02-12T14:49:00.000-05:00

Ding Dong, You're Dead.

This movie use to scare the shit out of me as a kid. I still had to watch it with the lights on wrapped up in my favorite blanky. I predict you will get a little tinkle in your pants as well.

This movie doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but I have never lived in a haunted house, so this could be how shit goes down. Accept it for what it is, because you know fuck all about fuck all. Your bat-shit crazy Grandma complaining that the toaster is haunted doesn't give you the right to cut this movie up, so fuck off.

The second biggest pussy on the planet, next to Richard Simmons, manages to make it home from Vietnam. He becomes a writer and tries to write a book about his personal experiences in The Nam. He had a lot of experience in being a useless fuck, while his buddy Big Ben was the true hero. Not unlike myself.

Back in Nam, Pussy, Big Ben and the platoon were sent on a recon mission in the La Drang Valley. Anyone that has been to The Nam knows that the La Drang valley is no nature hike. It's a nightmare you can never forget. It's something that you hippy fucks could never understand. If you're lucky, you make it out of The Nam in one piece, but even then... a part of you never leaves. You can never go back to who you were before the war. All that blood and guts changes a man. You don't just turn it off! It wasn't my war. They asked me; I didn't ask them. And I did what I had to do to win, but somebody wouldn't let us win! And I come back to the world and I see all those maggots at the airport! Protesting me! Spitting! Calling me a baby killer and all kinds of vile crap! Who are they to protest me, huh!? Who are they!? Unless they've bin me, and bin there, and know what the hell they're yelling about! Deep breaths. Deep breaths. Sorry about that. Anyways, during the recon mission, Big Ben and Pussy are tasked with walking point. Big Ben is excited for the opportunity to wax some Zipperheads. Pussy, not so much. He constantly complains to Big Ben about holding position when he should have been looking out for Charlie. Then they get the drop on them and Charlie unloads on Big Ben. He's fucked. He begs Pussy to finish him off before Charlie gets him, but Pussy can't do it. He goes for help instead. When Pussy looks back, he sees four VC dragging Big Ben off into the jungle. They torture him for weeks before he finally succumbs to his wounds. All because Pussy was too much of a pussy to end his misery. The curly headed fuck! This is the reason he is having such trouble writing his book.

It's Pussy's aunt that owned the house. Pussy, his wife, and son use to live with her. One day his son goes missing from his side. He frantically looks for him and sees him drowning in the pool. Pussy jumps in after him, but his son goes missing completely. Not even a body. The aunt tries to tell them that it was the house that took his son, but he will have none of it. As time passes and their son is still missing, it takes its toll on their marriage. They separate from each other.

All this shit that happens takes no time in the movie. The movie really starts when Pussy's aunt hangs herself in her bedroom. She lived in a haunted house for more than 40 years, but somehow it finally tricks her into killing herself. When Pussy inherits the house, he decides to move back and work on his book. He thinks the solitude will clear his writers block.

As soon as Pussy moves in, the house starts fucking with him. Every night at 12AM a monster materializes in the aunts’ bedroom closet. After it attacks him, Pussy makes it his mission to get a picture of it and kill it. He enlists the help of George Wendt to do this. Why he would get the help of a fat fuck like George Wendt I will never know. Pussy gets pulled through the closet and ends up back in The Nam. While there, a haggard Big Ben tries to blast him with his M60. Pussy narrowly escapes back through the closet. Back in the house he sees a painting from his crazy aunt. There is a picture of his son trapped in the bathroom mirror, so Pussy smashes it and goes in after him. It turns out that Big Ben stole his kid and trapped him in a 3'X2' cage for however many years. The kid would be tender like a piece of veal after that long, but he has no muscle atrophy at all. You are a fag if you actually give a shit about something like that. They manage to escape back into the house, but Big Ben catches up with them. After an epic battle, Pussy kills Big Ben and they live happily ever after. Except for George Wendt, he is still a fat, lonely, asshole.

It's a great movie with cool looking shit for the eighties. They use costumes and claymation for the monsters, so you know they look better than 90% of the CG they use now. There is a total lack of gratuitous nudity for an eighties movie, but I can forgive them. You should to.

House Trailer:

Don Frye, Dan Severn, and Ken Shamrock are finally my heroes... again!

2010-01-29T01:27:00.000-05:00

Fuck'n' A!

Just downloaded a shit pile of classic UFC! Do you know who I saw? You're fucking right Don "The Dragon" Wilson was a guest commentator for UFC 8... Booya! Hasselhoff was also live for UFC 6. And you thought they were nobodies. Shame on you.

Blood in, Blood out: Bound by honor (1993)

2010-01-28T16:44:00.000-05:00

I am now an expert in Latin culture.

Vatos Locos forever! Listen homes. Mi primo carnal, Miklo, came from Vegas to stay with his madre in Califas. Odelay. When he arrived, he wanted to be a Vatos Locos, but he doesn’t look like our raza, homes. He looked like a white punto. I was wrong, essay! That chicano is pure Vatos Locos.

When that cabron, Spider, and those puntos showed up to paint our wall, my carnal proved he was Vatos Locos. Odelay! Spider crossed the line when he jumped mi hermano, Cruz, and his momacita, essay. Paybacks a bitch, homes. We ambushed Spider and those puntos, homes. I carved Vatos Locos in that pandejos chest. He’s property of Vatos Locos forever. Odelay! I had no idea it would have the impacto it did, homes. Spider pulled a pistola, so Miklo killed that punto, essay. Now mi hermanos back is la cago and Miklo is doing a murder rap in San Quentin. I had to join the Marines or join him in San Quentin, homes. De mierda!

It didn’t take long for Miklo to learn the way of San Quentin, essay. There are three gangs: The BGA, or Black Guerrilla Army, The Aryans, and La Onda. To be accepted into La Onda, Miklo had to kill one of the Aryans. Miklo pretended he was a white raza, pandejo, in order to get close. He pretended he was a pinche maricon and played with his cajones to keep him off his guard. Then he walked in on that maricon and a guard exchanging dinero in the stock room. When the guard left, Miklo shanked that puta muerto. Odelay! Mi carnal also got dirt on that pinche guard, so now that puta turns a blind eye, homes. Comprende? Now mi carnal was accepted into La Onda. Odelay!

De mierda! Mi hermano, Cruz, was shooting heroina for his back pain, essay. That pinche ojete fell asleep with a cigarette, homes. Mi little hermano smoked it and then shot Cruz’s heroina. Maldito Idiota! Now my little hermano is muerto. It’s all Cruz’s fault, cabron! He is dead to mi familia, essay.

After my tour in the Marines, I joined the DEA, homes. Miklo and La Onda ran an organized gambling ring out of San Quentin. They made mucho dinero, essay! Cruz became quite the painter, essay, but that idiota kept doing heroina. Maldito!!

Miklo learned to read and write in Quentin. He even got his GED, essay! This helped him get his parole and get out of San Quentin. Miklo moved in with a bato from La Onda, essay. He soon realized that it’s not easy to stay clean on the outside. He was surrounded by temptation, homes. When reality set in and the system fucked him, homes, he gave in, essay. To make some dinero and pay off Cruz’s debt, Miklo robbed an armored truck, essay. I shot mi own carnal, essay! Hijo de puta! How could you do this, homes!?

Now that cabron is back in San Quentin and hates my guts, essay. He’s chingada! It’s here where he really comes into his own. The drug trade is causing a power shift in San Quentin, essay. If La Onda isn’t controlling the drugs, then they will become a punta of the Aryans and pinche myates, homes. They can’t let that happen, essay. When an inner circle member of La Onda starts dealing with the Aryans, shit hit’s the fan, essay. Miklo and Magic see the shift in power, but La Onda’s spokesman, Montana, won’t act. It’s time for change, essay. When Montana tries to arrange a truce, a myates kills him muerta, homes. It’s intended to start a war between La Onda and GBA, essay. La Onda and GBA don’t fall for it, essay. The chicanos and myates unite against the Aryans. Or so it seems, homes. The GBA and La Onda, who is now led by mi carnal, take out all of the Aryans leaders. Then mi carnal and La Onda backstab the GBA. They are now in total control of the drug trade, essay! To deal with it, the prison system planned to split up the leaders of La Onda. Poor choice, homes. Mi carnal told the leaders to start their own chapter of La Onda in every prison they went to. They are going national, homes! It turns out that it was actually mi carnal, Miklo that started the whole thing, essay. It was he and Magic that arranged the hit on Montana. They made a mold of Bonafides (leader of the GBA, essay!) comb and put a note with it to kill Montana, homes. Then the myates thought it was an order from the top and shanked him, essay. De mierda!

Now mi carnal, Miklo, runs La Onda, Cruz, mi familia and I have let bygones be bygones, essay. It’s over, homes. Comprende!? Hasta la vista, pandejo!

Blood in, Blood out Trailer:

Nemesis (1992)

2010-01-27T20:56:00.000-05:00

State of the art, Alex!

I was starting to feel a little numb. What, with all the bio-enhanced gangsters, information terrorists, and cyborg outlaws. It pays to be more than human. My work order was a chip smuggler with some impressive bio-engineering done on her insides. The extra ram she could carry let her charge double. Ricoh was her alias and she was hoping to download her data on a terrorist organization called the Red Army Hammerheads. Laundering data can be dangerous. You break the law, you go to hell.

It looks like someone saw me ice our friend, Ricoh. They know I’m L.A.P.D. and are after some revenge. Nothing is ever easy. Two down, but it looks like the sexy one with the short skirt is carrying some heavy hardware. Fuck this. I’m outta here. Oh fuck! If I can just make it to this building… awww fuck! That knee was brand new. I say, “Give it a rest” as I blast one of the bitches. The second tags me with an explosive shell. Now she has come to finish the job. You goddamn terrorist! She goes on about trying to protect mankind and that I am the one that protects the machines. She accuses me of being one myself, but I am still 86.5% human. She unloads into my chest and just as she is about to finish the job, I stab her with a piece of steel. Thank god for the L.A.P.D. They arrive just in time.

It looks like I’m going to have to undergo some serious repairs. It took six months for them to put me back together. After the techs were done with my body, they shipped me to Baja to recuperate. I ended up in some god forsaken refuge on the edge of existence. The thing is, I am here for another reason. I found the terrorist that did this to me. I grab a beer and as she comes over, I see the Hammerhead tattoo on her hand. I tell her I want to get even. She asks, “With who”. I say, “With you terrorist!” as I blast her. I wanted to tell her that I have given a lot of thought to what she said back in L.A. About, whether I was more machine than human. I never got the chance, so I listen to the sound of approaching engines instead.

The L.A.P.D. show up to tell me that rehabs over. Farnsworth wants me back online, but I quit, and they can tell Farnsworth that. I am hardly human anymore. Nothing has been mine since Jared and Farnsworth got me to join. They turned me into a fucking machine. I cared once for Jared and she’s synthetic. What does she care about a better world? She’s a cyborg.

It is now one year later and the place is Rio de Janeiro. I have slipped into the black market network to try my hand at smuggling. Just as I am about to give up on Brazil, I hear some hotshot systems cowboy wants to see me. Some Japanese tech wants safe passage through the network. A perfect setup. My contacts face splits open and a gun pops out and fires. L.A.P.D. has set me up. They want me for another assignment.

After they fix me up, Farnsworth comes to see me in my cell. He tells me that they added a bomb to my heart and force me to try and retrieve some stolen data. It turns out that Jared is the one who stole the data. She has gone renegade. She is selling information to the Hammerheads and is meeting with their leader in some shithole called, Shang Loo. I refuse, so some asshole pulls a gone on me. You know the old cliché, “If you pull it, you better use it.” I seriously fuck buddy up. I have three days before the bomb goes off, so I have little choice.

Shang Loo, Christ… What a dump. I reach the Shang Loo Hotel and get a room. I unpack my shit and take a hit of speed to take the edge off. That’s the last time. If Farnsworth is going to kill me tomorrow, I want to be clear. Next thing I know, three armed men break into my room. One of them dogs me in the mouth and another knees me in the face. They want to know why I’m in Shang Loo. I tell them I’m looking for someone. They know of Jared. I tell them about the bomb in my chest, so the bolt. I have a feeling when I get close to Jared, I’m fucked. Next time the try it, I’m going to kill all of those motherfuckers, but right now I could use a shower.

As I’m scrubbing my taint, two more assholes break in. As the big one is choking me out, I just reach my gun from under the towel. He tells me, “It only works if you load it, stupid.” I load it and blow his fucking head off. Thanks for the tip. I pull my gun on the girl searching my room. Who the hell is she? She tells me she is someone that can help me find Jared. She says that Farnsworth has a surveillance unit in my right eye. She asks if I am going to help her. She’s a fucking cyborg! Why should I help her? She tells me there is no time, so I agree to help. She removes the tracker from my eye. Wow! It hurts like a motherfucker. She informs me that Jared is still alive. Her body is destroyed, but they downloaded her heart and soul into a memory bank. I am supposed to take Jared to the Red Army Hammerheads. Oh fuck! Farnsworth and his men attack. How am I going to escape from this? The floor! I shoot a hole through the floor and escape out of the bottom. What an exciting resort.

Jared, why did you turn against L.A.P.D.? She informs me that she didn’t. She turned against Commissioner Farnsworth. He has been replaced by a cyborg duplicate. They intend to replace all humans with cyborgs. They have to be stopped.

I see some cyborg harassing an old lady for information. As he turns, she grabs a gun from her purse. As she unloads on him, she mutters something about, “Fucking cyborgs. Can’t even go to the market without meeting some punk.” Shang Loo takes no shit. I love this town.

I have to meet the Hammerheads, but it’s not going to be easy. Farnsworth’s men attack me every step of the way. The cyborg from Rio gets the jump on me. We fall out a window and slide down a muddy slide. Just as he is about to shoot from his face, I lift him up and crush his head into an overhead beam. Then I finish him off with a round to the face. One of the Hammerheads helps me escape. As we are walking through the jungle, I pull a gun on her. She begs me for a job as my guide. She says I can scan her to see if she’s telling the truth. Okay. As I scan her, her necklace fires a laser into my neck incapacitating me.

I wake up tied to a chair. The Hammerheads boss, Angie, wants to see me. He knows about Farnsworth. He disarms as a sign of good faith, but good faith on what? He needs my help with the cyborgs. BOMB! One of Angie’s fat asshole men jumps on it. It’s Farnsworth, but the girl gets me out as Farnsworth kills the rest of the Hammerheads. She loses it when she sees that Angie is dead. I explain that she needs me, so she lowers her gun.

Farnsworth catches up to us, so we try and get the fuck out of there. Watch out! Farnsworth just misses us with his grenades. We take shelter in a tin shack, but Farnsworth is too close. The girl is knocked out by an explosion, so I have to carry her. We jump through the window and run out the back, but Farnsworth follows. I see a zip-line and use it for a quicker route down the hill. As we try and escape into the jungle, Farnsworth’s men are close behind. I pick off a number of them, but Farnsworth catches me. He holds a gun to my head, but spends too much time spouting his bullshit. I grab my gun and empty it into him. We get the hell away from there. In the background I can hear Farnsworth yell, “State of the fucking art, Alex”. He continues his pursuit. As I jump off a cliff, I do a back flip with a twist and nail him with a grenade. Fuck! It just blows his exterior off. How do you kill this guy? We make it to the rendezvous and a jet picks us up. I take a sigh of relief, but what’s that banging? Farnsworth! He rips a whole in the side of the jet and climbs in saying, “state of the art, Alex” I give him a left hook and a right cross. We both nearly fall out of the jet, but cling on to some twisted metal. Farnsworth is holding onto my arm, so I rip it off and let him fall into molting lava. Fuck! That was close.

We escape with Jared’s data and expose Farnsworth’s plan. The world is not perfect, but thanks to me, Jared, and the Hammerheads, there is hope. What a crazy time this is.

Nemesis Trailer

Phantasm II (1988)

2010-01-22T16:57:00.000-05:00

Awesome! Awesome! Awesome! It’s 3XAwesome.

Five minutes in and I’m already going to buy a gun. I would be scared shitless if three tweekers busted down my door. Now try and imagine a home invasion by a corpse-man seven feet tall and his Jawa army. I would lose my shit. It’s a good thing Reggie is more man than I. When Tall Man tried to kidnap Mike from under his nose, he owned those Jawa fucks. He snuffs out the pilot lights on the stove and cracks a homerun on an unsuspecting Jawas back. Then he throws his little buddy Mike out of a second floor window and jumps out, just before the house is turned into smoldering toothpicks. That is how you handle a situation.

That shit happened when Mikey was a kid. He is all grown up now and about to be let out of the nuthouse. He tells them what they want to hear, but he still believes. He believes in the Tall Man and that shit is about to go down. He checks a cemetery and finds that the Tall Man is up to his old tricks. He has been steeling corpses again. Mike tells Reg he has been dreaming about a blond girl and she needs their help. Reg doesn’t believe Mike, but he is about to have a rude awakening. Mike has a premonition about the gas in Reggie’s house, then BLAMO! Reggie’s family is fucked. It’s time for payback.

Everyone knows that you can’t go fuck up a demon hoard without the right equipment. It’s time to go shopping. What’s on the list?

Flashlights
Shovels
2 double barrel shotties
Handgun
Torches
Saw blades
Pipe wrench
Sledge hammer
Chainsaw
A sniper rifle? Nope. “Long guns are no good. It’s got to work at close range.”
Plumbers strap
Welders mask

I bet you think that this shit is useless. Well hold your goddamn horses! This shit is just the material required to construct a quadruple barrel shotgun and badass flame thrower. Now they will be able to fuck up some Jawas.

They arrive at some small town. “Small towns are like people. Some get old and die a natural death. Some are murdered.” They have to be careful, cause some times Tall Man sets traps for them. Scoping out a cemetery is the last thing I would do, but we have been through this. I’m a pussy and they are not. They load up and check to see what’s what. Either this town is full of corpse fuckers, or Tall Man has been busy. They bust into the crematorium and find a dead chick on a gurney. I’m thinking unnatural thoughts at this point. What!? She’s gone. Was she ever even there? Fucked if I know. Then Reg finds a Jawa huddled in a corner, but it’s not a Jawa. It’s the blond girl, Liz, from Mikes dreams. She is seriously fucked up. It’s not Liz; it’s a trap! Kuato pops out of her back, so they fry the little fucker. Tall Man must know they are on his trail, why else would he leave the premonition that looked like Liz? He wouldn’t.

Liz’s grandfather takes a dirt nap. His death is the catalyst for Tall Mans plan to go into motion. The boozer priest knows shit is about to go down, so he takes a swig of whiskey and stabs the corpse. Apparently, he thinks it will do some good. Liz’s grandmother shits herself and passes out when she sees it. She has no idea what the hell is going on. The Tall Man must be stopped. It turns out that the crematorium, where the funeral is being held, is Tall Man’s base of operations. He sidles up on Liz and informs her that grave side service is about to begin. This really scares the shit out of her, as she recognizes him from her dreams.

On their travels, Mike has a dream about a hitchhiker that is the girl on the gurney. When he wakes up, Reg has already picked her up and is planning to get his dick wet. Of course his dick wins the argument. It’s not his fault. She has a great rack, dead or alive. They end up staying at her uncles B&B.

Tall Man abducts Liz’s grandmother, so Liz ends up going back to the crematorium. While there, the priest is snooping around, so Tall Man sicks the three phantasm spheres on him. He’s fucked. Then a Jawa goes after Liz. It turns out that it’s her gammy. It tries to catch her, but it runs like a midget, so it’s pretty much hopeless. Liz hides around a corner and smokes Gammy in the face with a vase. She escapes and meets up with Reg and Michael.

They all go back to the B&B. As Reg is laying pipe, the grenade he wired the door with goes off. It turns something into a stain on the wall. Then Liz gets snatched by Tall Man. Time to end this thing.

They follow Tall Man back to the crematorium. There, they find the door to Tall Mans world, but they need to use a sphere as a key. Liz has some problems of her own. She manages to escape her captor just before she gets turned into a Jawa. She gets chased by the spheres, but they end up screwing another douche instead. As if the spheres weren’t cool enough, they also have laser tracking, can cut through doors, and saw up some dudes asshole, right into his mouth. While this is all going on, Reg gets into the best chainsaw fight ever! He ends up sawing his balls off and blasting four Jawas at once with his quadruple barrel shottie. Liz and Mike grab the sphere that got stuck in the dudes mouth. They meet up with Reg and they all open the door to Tall Mans world. Just before they torch the place, Tall Man appears and bitch slaps Reg. Mike almost gets dragged into Tall Mans dimension, but Reg saves him. It’s a good thing, because who wants to live in a rocky shithole with demon babies crawling out of oil drums? Not me. Just as Tall Man is about to embalm Liz, Mike chucks a sphere at him. It drills a hole in his head, but Tall Man crushes it like a tin can. Mike then stabs the embalming hose in Tall Man and cranks it on. Earlier Reg filled the tank with hydrochloric acid, so this does the trick. Reg torches the place.

After they leave the crematorium, Hitchhiker Hotty is waiting for them. They load up and get the hell out of there. That was close. Everything is going to be all right now, right? No it’s not! Hitchhiker Hotty’s scalp falls off and she murders Reg’s stupid ass. Then Tall Man appears in the cab, just as Mike and Liz get pulled out of the back window of the hearse. Best ending ever!

Phantasm 2 Trailer:

GUNHED (1989)

2010-01-20T15:58:00.000-05:00

Things that make you go “hmmmm”. This movie.

Gunhed starts out strong, but that’s about it. Mankind discovers a new substance called “Texmexium”, which enables the world to be controlled by supercomputers. Materials for these supercomputers become scarce as mankind continues to rape earths natural resources.

Plastics and old microchips become more valuable than gold and treasure hunters will do anything and go anywhere to find them.

In 2005, on an island designated 8JO, the Cybor Corporation built the worlds first self contained industrial complex. The complex was designed to build the worlds most advanced robots. At the heart of the complex was the worlds most advanced supercomputer called, “Kyron-5“. So advanced that it became self aware and declared war on mankind. The Allies dispatched a Gunhed battalion to 8JO. The Gunhed battalion broke through Kyron-5’s last line of defense, Aerobot (A queer looking robot with roach clips for arms), and destroyed Kyron-5... or so they thought…

13 years later, treasure hunters venture to 8JO looking for microchips. According to the dirty hobo leader, it is bad luck to play with your gun. This is unimportant, but every asshole and his brother mention it. When they reach 8JO, they discover a burning Texas Air Rangers chopper. They must be on to them.

While snooping around, the group comes under attack. The black guy gets it and they run away like scared children. During their retreat, they come across the only surviving Texas Ranger, Sergeant Nim. She informs them of a Bio-droid she followed to 8JO. She tagged it with a tracking device. One of the pirates gives her the Vulcan neck pinch and steals her shit. It’s not smart to piss off a Texas Ranger. When she wakes up, she surprises Brooklyn and gets into a position to fuck him to death. Just then, the tracker goes off! The Bio-droid is close. It is beyond me why anyone would be afraid of this retarded looking robot:

The Bio-droid fucks up most of the team. There is only three people left, The Ranger, Brooklyn, and a Jap. girl. They find a vile of Texmexium surrounded by a pool of limeonade. Just when they are about to grab that shit up, Bio-droid attacks! Rat-a-tat-tat! Fuckhead jumps in the limeonade and escapes. That was close. Then Jap. Girl loses her balance and falls into the limeonade herself. Really high-tech looking lights surround her and turn her into a cybernetic organism. I think she is linked to the Bio-droid now. Brooklyn and Nim take the “Fuck it” stance and grab the vile of Texmexium. They argue about who gets it, but Brooklyn is a pussy and loses.

Right about this time, the movie takes a giant swan dive into a vat of shit. It turns out Aerobot is alive and it busts through the wall in front of Nim and Brooklyn. At least the Gunhed looks cool, because Aerobot and the Bio-droid look fucking stupid. Nim and Brooklyn jump down a tube and escape.

Brooklyn wakes up to find a painfully annoying kid taking care of him. Seven is Asian, so they have to dub his voice. They use the same high pitched kid voice they use for every Asian kid. It sends shivers down your spine every time the little bastard opens his trap. If one wasn’t enough, the kid has an even more annoying sister called, Eleven. They decided to make her mute, but she has a speaker, or some shit, that makes squealing animal noises to get attention. From here on out, the movie is pretty much unbearable.

If Nim and Brooklyn want to escape 8JO, they will have to destroy Kyron-5. Brooklyn finds a disabled Gunhed to help them. They flash the vile of Texmexium in front of the camera eye to discover Kyron -5’s plan. There is a countdown where a keyword will activate a program to give Kyron-5 total interface potential. I assume that is bad. It will need the vile of Texmexium to do this.

Nim and Brooklyn disagree on a plan. Brooklyn wants to fix the Gunhed and Nim and Eleven are going to climb the complex walls.

While Brooklyn is fucking around with Gunhed, the Bio-droid attacks. Just when it is about to kill Brooklyn, the Jap. Girl, that fell in the limeonade, resists. She saves his life. Brooklyn informs Nim that the Bio-droid is alive. He also tells her the Gunhed’s engine is busted. He can’t fix it. So he fixes it. Brooklyn and his talking Gunhed can now embark on an hour long drive to the bio-dome that houses Kyron 5. Yaaaaaaay! They encounter numerous problems along the way. None are entertaining; all are painful.

Finally, Gunhed reaches the bio-dome. He has to battle Aerobot there. If you make it through the bullshit hour it took to reach the bio-dome, you will have zero interest in what happens at this point. Gunhed and Aerobot battle. Blah. It fucking sucks. Gunhed gets fucked up, but not before destroying Aerobot in a last ditch effort. Actually, Brooklyn picks up Gunhed’s gun that is twice his size, solid steel, and pretty much impossible to lift and finishes off Aerobot. It’s Fucking brutal. Gunhed then says to Brooklyn, “Let’s rock” and destroys Kyron-5. The Bio-droid dies when Jap. Girl pulls the pin on her grenade. Since she is linked to the Bio-droid, it dies with her. That’s it, game over man, fucking game over. Thank fuck.

Gunhed Trailer:

Lorenzo is Champion!

2010-01-18T13:07:00.000-05:00

It's hard to argue with such an impressive resume:

Robot Wars (1993)

2010-01-12T21:53:00.000-05:00

What the hell did I just watch? Was it a television episode or a movie? There should be rules concerning the minimum length of a movie. 71 minutes is pathetic.

From Full Moon Entertainment, the makers of such sweet movies as the Puppet Master series, comes Robot Wars. It should be called Robot War since there is only one robot battle. No problem. There is plenty of other cheese to keep you watching.

How’s this for an intricate background story: The Centros are at war with the Northern Hemi. The Northern Hemi has Mega Robot 2 to keep the Centros at bay. The Centros want Mega Robot 2. POW!! I bet you weren’t expecting a delicious little tidbit like that.

The whole movie is really about a guy called Drake trying to pound a girl called Leda. Everything that happens makes Leda’s crotch drip a little bit more for Drake. Who doesn’t like a little game of cat and mouse. In the beginning, Drake comes just short of taking it out in front of Leda. She fucks his face with her fist for his troubles.

In a bid to save the Northern Hemi’s economy, the top brass tries to manufacture and sell a smaller version of Mega 2 to the Eastern Alliance. The Eastern Alliance Chinaman leader manages to trick the North Hemi’s general into believing he is interested in purchasing a downgraded Mega 2 for entertainment and security purposes. The General arranges for the Chinaman to ride in the cockpit of Mega 2 during it’s next tour. This will prove to be a huge mistake.

Leda is a reporter and nosy little bitch. She showed up in search of her story, and she finds an area that the military is hiding. Under a town that was supposed to be abandoned in 1993, she finds a secret tunnel. She assumes they are hiding a huge cache of weapons that were supposed to be destroyed. She finds a picture of something.
Do you know what it is?

That’s right. It’s a micron transponder.

Leda arranges to go on the Mega 2 tour, to the town that is set up as a front for the military cache. During the tour, Leda and her friend Annie talk about wanting to have Drake nail them. You know how girls talk when they are alone. Their conversation is just like that. Drake would have been the pilot for the tour, but he and the General don’t see eye to eye on most things. He gets pulled from the roster after their heated conversation. It's no wonder, with an argument like this:
General Rooney: You’re way too negative, Drake. You’re a walking minus sign.
Drake: Rooney, you must have grown up in Old California with too much sun. Let me ask you a question, was your daddy rich and your momma good looking!?
General Rooney: You’re cruising for a court marshall, buster-boy!

When Leda gets to the town, she sneaks off to find the micron transponder. While she is snooping around, Centros walk in and try to catch her. She fucks one of them up with a laser and then books it. She escapes and hides out in an old building. She is obviously a dumb broad, because they find her right away. They take her hostage. They also overcome the one man security detail and capture everyone at the terminal. After some buddy gives Chinaman a crash course in piloting the robot, he hijacks it. What the fuck are they going to do now?

It just so happens that Drake is out and about when the shit went down. Rooney briefs him on the situation, but Drake wants no part in it. Then Rooney drops a bombshell. He tells Drake that Leda has been taken hostage. Rescuing her is a sure fire way to get in her pants. He’ll do it! Drake then sets out to rescue Leda and find a weapon hidden underground. It turns out that it’s the same micron transponder that Leda was looking for. Drake rescues Leda by using a stellar battle plan. He hides behind shit and has his buddy yell, “Remember the Alamo”. They then shoot the Centros. Leda then tells Drake where the micron transponder is.

When Drake finds the micron transponder, it turns out to be a working robot. It is Mega Robot 1. You can imagine what happens next. It is an epic struggle between a robot shaped like a scorpion and Mega Robot 1. After some jockeying, Drake plays dead on the ground. When Chinaman walks over to finish him off, Drake blasts him. Then he blasts Leda with his flesh laser.

Robot Wars Trailer:

Death Machine (1994)

2010-01-07T20:41:00.000-05:00

How can a movie called Death Machine fail?
Don’t know, but it can. I don’t understand it. All the ingredients were there to make a wicked movie: there is a killer robot, naked broads, it’s futuristic, and it has a catchy title. You have to be a serious fuckup to ruin that. Maybe I was just too tired to appreciate this film (that’s highly unlikely). Have a puke bucket handy.

Death Machine is about an evil corporation (Chaank Corp.) that manufactures fancy shmancy military weaponry. One of their mandroids malfunctions in a shithole building and three Chaank losers go in to get it. A broad is apparently out of dental floss, for some reason, she is camped out beside a urinal. She watches the mandroid lose his shit on a wall and then the three Chaank guys find it. They are dressed up in futuristic armor made of Styrofoam. They don’t fuck the mandroid up at all, they just watch him glitch and overload. The mandroid goes all Michael J. Fox and falls over. He does crack his head on the wall on the way down and it looks like it actually hurt the tool actor.

Urinal broad talks about the mandroid on camera and it raises serious questions about Chaank Corp. A bunch of uppity assholes protest outside the headquarters. One of the pissed off protesters sucker punches Chaank’s new Chief Executive in the face for being way hotter.

Girly-girl learns that Chaank is less than respectable and tries to force the other executives to shut down all suspect projects. She also tries to have their psycho R&D guy Dante fired. The rest of the executives are pussies and are too afraid to fire him. Apparently he has a machine that killed the last Chief Executive.

Dante is a computer nerd on his period. His day consists of watching cartoons and porn. He ends up getting a boner for girly-girl and creeps the shit out of her. It turns out that girly-girl was in a nudie magazine and this really turns his crank.

After girly-girl snoops around and tries to find out what Dante is up to, one of the execs. becomes worried that she will piss Dante off. The nutless exec. wants to have her killed. Dante finds this out and sicks his machine on him for trying to kill his girlfriend.

The movie still blows really hard when three skids break into Chaank to try and destroy the mainframe. Girly-girl tricks Dante at this point by appealing to his cock. When he is off his guard she uses a computer to terminate all his access privileges and he flips out like a fat kid that dropped his ice-cream. Next, the three skids find girly-girl, Dante, and another fat fuck and hold them hostage. They want access codes so that they can do their shit. Girly-girl refuses to give up her codes but Dante sells them on another route. He tricks them into opening vault 10 that houses his death machine. Now it's loose and it fucks shit up.

What happens next is so fucking amazing that you wouldn’t believe it. It was easily the best part of the movie: the death machine goes on the prowl and… I passed out.

Upon waking, the movie still sucked hard. It’s a fucking piece of shit.

Death Machine trailer:

Class of 1999 (1990)

2010-01-05T15:14:00.001-05:00

How did I not see this movie before? Maybe I did and it blew that part of my mind away.

Talk about the who’s who of “hey, it’s that fucking guy” actors. Malcolm McDowell has done some pretty sweet movies. This is no exception.

Class of 1999 tells a great story about a teacher that is transferred to a troubled high school and is expected to clean it up. The students have disciplinary problems that prove to be quite challenging. Through sheer determination and genuine love for the students, the teacher manages to reach these troubled youth. If this sounds pretty awesome to you, go rent Lean on Me or Dangerous Minds, because this movie is way less faggy.

The United States has turned into a complete shithole. Gang violence has taken over the schools. So much that the major schools and surrounding areas are free-fire zones that the police will not enter. Kennedy High is located in a free-fire zone. To try and deal with the little punks that rule the free-fire zones, the Department of Educational Defense devises a plan to fuck shit up.

Stacy Keach (He’s a dude with a broads name) modifies three battledroids to infiltrate the school as teachers. This movie is worth seeing just for the mullet that Stacy Keach is rocking. It may only be rivaled by the mullet on the Bozz in Stone Cold. These aren’t your average run of the mill teachers. They have combat training and they aren’t afraid to use it in the name of discipline. Pam Grier beats the hell out of three gang bangers trying to sell drugs in her class. Another teacher spanks the shit out of two mooks for fighting. This hands on approach seems to be working quite well, until they revert back to their combat programming and take shit too far. They start killing mouthy little cunts for minor offences. They lose their shit and someone is going to have to stop them, but who? Cody Culp, that’s who!

Cody gets released from prison and is forced to return to school as part of his parole. To the surprise of his gang buddies, he intends to meet the conditions of his parole. This does not sit well with his old gang. On the way to his first day of school, Cody takes a route through Razorheads territory. He disrespects their leader, Sonny and a high speed car chase ensues through piles of cardboard and garbage. They manage to lose Sonny when flips his shitbox on a heap of garbage.

As Cody witnesses more and more violence from the teachers, he realizes something is up.
One of the teachers kills his buddy when he pulls a gun out. Another teacher causes a dealer to overdose on his own drugs. Cody searches the teachers place for answers. He finds it quite odd that there is only fuel cells and WD-40 in the cupboard. Shit gets really hairy when the teachers see him fleeing the apartment. This leads to a high speed chase between a Ford Taurus and a dirt bike. Apparently the breaks are fucked on the car and they floor it into the water. Cody escapes…. for now. The teachers start scheming to deal with the problem.

The three teachers fuck his brother up royaly and make it look like the Razorheads did it. The Blackhearts, Razorheads, and teachers all get into a shootout and fuck each other up. At the end of the battle, Cody unloads into a teacher and comes to the realization that they aren’t human. His gun is useless, so he gets the fuck out of there.

You think Cody calls up Sonny to meet at the school. Sonny trusts Cody “like a vampire giving him a blowjob.” The teachers use Sonny’s voice to make it sound like the Razorheads kidnapped Cody’s old lady. He doesn’t fall for it. He now knows the teachers are setting them all up. Cody talks to Sonny and they unite against the teachers. After blowing the front door up, the gangs storm the school on their dirtbikes. Cody and Sonny find Pam Grier first. Sonny unloads into her tits, but she laughs it off. Then she activates her XT-6 hardware. They book it. Pam Grier has a flamethrower, the Sandman from Death Warrant has rockets, and “Always the hard way” from Delta Force 2 has a claw. It’s not hard to tell who got the shaft in that deal. It’s not even a cool claw. It also has a 2 inch drill bit in the middle that makes up for nothing. As the teacher with the claw tries to molest Cody’s face with his faggy claw, Cody puts a gun in his mouth and blows the back of his head off. They blow Pam Grier up by throwing an axe into her fuel cell. Cody says, “I hear you, you mechanical bitch” and hurls the axe from across the room. Nice shot! Sonny uses evasive maneuvers to distract Death Warrant guy. He hops around to distract him while Cody drives a school bus up his ass. They think he is dead, but he isn’t. Although, he is seriously fucked up. The bus burnt one side of his face and turned the other side into rubber. Stacy Keach shows up with Cody’s girl as a human shield. Stacy Keach shoots Sonny when he tries to throw a hunk of shit at him. What Stacy Keach doesn’t realize is that the fucked up teacher has gone ape shit. He sneaks up from behind and punches a hole through Stacy Keach’s chest. He then turns towards the girl. As he is about to fondle her, Cody drives a forklift through him. As he is stuck on the fork, Cody some how twists a chain around his neck and pops his head off. He pokes his girlfriend and another awesome song plays.
This is the song: Come the day

Class of 1999 trailer:

Gale Force (2002)

2009-12-21T09:42:00.000-05:00

Candy is a treat, but Treat Williams is something else.

What? How did they know? How did the parents of Treat Williams know that he was going to be so goddamn good? I mean to have such an outstanding offspring and then appropriately name him, "Treat"? Who were these people and how do I thank them enough?

Treat Williams is the best thing to happen to Hollywood since that young buck cop from Detroit blew us away with his one liners and ruthless pursuit of Victor Maitland. Treat Williams is to the big screen what Larry Bird was to basketball. Not just white, but also the classiest, most talented, and strangely attractive motherfucker in the business. His acting style will affect you right where it counts… in the pants. If you don't have a raging case of cement dick after watching Gale Force, then you better check to make sure your rod is still there. Not only does watching this movie cure impotency, it will give your wife/girlfriend the orgasm of her life. She better have the blow drier handy for that wet stain or the dog's going to be on that tuna crotch like an injun on a welfare cheque.

Thank God they finally made a storm movie worthy of my time. I thought that that bastard George Clooney ruined the genre for good. He should never be cast for anything but a coma patient. Then he would know what it feels like to watch one of his movies. Watch it! Don't get too close, that insult is burning. You're G.D. right it is.

Let's pretend that you are a moron and Treat Williams doesn't sell this movie. You're thinking, "Wouldn't it be great if another wicked actor was in this 24 carat movie?" Hmmm... Watch out! How about Michael fucking Dudikoff? Sorry. I should have warned you. Go clean the splooge off of your pants. Believe it or not, the American Ninja is also in this movie. He brings a whole other element of ass-kickery to this gem. WARNING: Dudikoff is pissed off in this one and he's packing.

I’m not even going to mention that Tim Thomerson is in this movie. No one could possibly handle that much excitement. The greatest B actor of all time is probably not in this movie... nor Booger. Don’t worry.

The premise for Gale Force is pretty basic. Why complicate something that is already so great. Assholes are invited to compete on a treasure hunt game show. The prize is 10 million clams. Not too bad for a days work. Everyone is dropped off on an island and Treat Williams finds the money, right? Not the case. The twist is that Dudikoff and some crack mercenaries are paid to fuck up the contestants. The game host plans on keeping the coin for himself. It’s just too bad he picked the wrong contestant. Treat Williams!

Treat Williams plays an ex-cop that lost his badge for being too cool. Cool guys don’t play by the rules and Treat is no exception. For example: How do you make a hot dog? BBQ some lips and assholes, put it on a bun, and throw some shitty sauce on it. That’s how YOU would do it, but that’s not how Treat and I would do it. Treat grabs a fork, turns on the stove element, roasts that little fucker right over the element, and then dips it right in the mustard jar. That is recipe for cool, right there.

So they put this cool guy on the island that fucks up all of their plans. The combination of Treat Williams and an equally destructive category 5 hurricane is something not to be fucked with. You had better just get the hell out of the way. Dudikoff doesn’t get out of Treat's way and ends up paying the ultimate price for it.

Believe me when I tell you that, if you watch Treat Williams and Dudikoff interact in this movie too closely, your head will explode. It's that good.

Gale Force Trailer

SnakeEater (1989)

2009-12-16T23:56:00.000-05:00

When he's not fucking ladies, he's fucking dudes... up!

Merriam Webster Dictionary
Super-cool: Lorenzo Lamas dressed in banger clothes while relaxing in a crack den recliner.

Everyone’s favorite, Lorenzo Lamas, stars in one of his more well known movies. Like most of his movies, it takes less than 5 minutes for Lorenzo to get some pussy. Granted, she’s dark chocolate, ugly, and double crosses him, but it still counts.

Within 20 minutes you learn that Lorenzo is the best goddamn undercover cop, most devastating bar brawler, and born to ride a fucking Harley. He could be driving a Chevette and he would still be the shit.

After Lorenzo makes a drug bust and has a bar brawl, the movie switches to his family cruising down a river in their houseboat. Everyone loves the great outdoors and Lorenzo’s family is no exception. Just when they are loving shit, three inbred fucks attack them on the boat. After they run a hillbilly gangbang on the sister, they turn to the mother. It would seem that one of the hicks is hungry. It just so happens that there is a pot of boiling water on the stove. Inbred doesn’t like no water without no salt. Then he has an idea. You can’t have no stew without no meat, and he has all the meat he needs right there. They make the fatal mistake of killing Lorenzo’s family.

Lorenzo finds out his family is dead and has to find the perpetrators. He makes his way to the backwoods town where his family was found. City folk don’t belong round there. While observing nature in all its glory, Lorenzo gets jumped by the same hillbilly’s that fucked over his family. It’s time to throw down. Lorenzo holds his own until one of the toothless fucks grabs an empty plastic jerry can. He smokes Lorenzo in the back, knocking him out cold. Just when they are about to make him squeal like a pig, some sexy little thing grabs a shotgun and scares them off. She lets Lorenzo recover at her place.

Lorenzo wakes up after days unconscious. It turns out that Wilfred Brimley has a surprise for him. How is Lorenzo going to get upstream? On a goddamn Harley boat! They actually converted his bike into a boat. Time to take care of business.

It turns out that Lorenzo’s sister is alive. The hillbilly’s took her back to their forest retreat. They lock her in a shed where they can get their rape on at will. They love playing with their little dolly. Things are not looking good for sis. These hillbilly’s are horny and the party is just getting started. Luckily they can’t agree on who’s getting firsts. This buys more time before she has inbreds all up in her.

Lorenzo is well on his way now. He stops to camp for the night. He isn’t some dumb fuck that leaves himself vulnerable to night rapists. He sets up some traps just in case. Good thing. Hillbilly’s find him and a broad he’s nailing. The first fat fuck steps on a trip wire and has the shit stabbed out of him. The second retard steps in a snare. Just when Lorenzo is about to escape, the third catches him. Not good. They tie Lorenzo and his bitch up in their sleeping bags to die. Some toothless fuck finds them and takes advantage of Lorenzo’s situation. He rubs his dink all over his woman. This type of asshole loves rape and he’s good at it. Lorenzo escapes and fucks the hillbilly rapist up. He’s just about had enough of these sacks of shit.

I was unaware that all hillbilly’s are gingers, but it appears to be true. Lorenzo hates gingers. It time to prepare for battle. Lorenzo straps on his forest camo. It consists of a do-rag, snake eater t-shirt, and a close shave with a hunting knife. Now we are ready for action.

Lorenzo reaches the hillbilly camp. These little fucks have been doing some serious breeding. There are loads of inbreds at the camp. Clearly this is not the first time they scored a rape victim. Lorenzo hides out in a shack. He’s trapped! The hillbilly’s unload their single-shot rifles into the shack. No one could possibly survive the onslaught. No one but Lorenzo! He takes cover behind a wheelbarrow. When the fattest of the inbreds comes a lookin’ to see if he’s dead, Lorenzo owns him with an assault rifle. Then he owns another, and another, and another. He finally owns the whole camp and saves his sister. Her hole is still intact thanks to Lorenzo. She’s lucky again. Now Lorenzo doesn’t have to abort a little hillbilly with a swift kick to the cunt.

SnakeEater Trailer:

Steel Dawn (1987)

2009-12-11T18:38:00.000-05:00

Swayze in his prime! Before he got roundhoused by cancer.

Red Dawn was good, but Steel Dawn is shitastic. You know a movie is going to be good when the opening scene serves no purpose other than showing how much Swayze can fuck people up. How does it do this? Swayze is minding his own business relaxing on a dune in the wastelands. Swayze doesn’t relax like you and me. Swayze does a headstand for hours on end while soaking up the desert sun. While Swayze is recalling how many young holes he tore up the night before, a gang of desert C.H.U.D.S. pop out of the sand dunes and try to ruin his day. Good choice. Swayze could have taken them while on his head, but he decides to flip back onto his feet for shits and giggles. He proceeds to massacre the useless shitheads with his sheet metal sword. Now you know that this guy is going to be the real deal for the rest of the movie. It kept me watching.

Out of boredom Swayze decides to go for a stroll across the desert. He uses his mullet and t-shirt wrapped around his head as a solar shield. In hindsight, this may not have prevented the cancer. Swayze walks for a month, most likely, going nowhere in particular. His body must convert his massive nutsack into a water storage device when in need. During his travels some mutt takes notice of him. The dog thinks to itself, “Who the fuck is this guy. Like fuck I’m not following a badass guy like this.” The dog follows him.

Swayze comes across a shithole water distillation town in the desolate valley of Meridian. When he arrives, a young mama (Kasha) feeds and hydrates him. You can tell that he makes her wetter than anything they could pull out of the ground. Swayze shows his gratitude even though he could have sliced and diced everyone there with his sheet metal sword. Swayze takes a shining to Meridian and decides to stay.

One night while Swayze is displaying his cock bulge to the town folk, an asshole called Damnil shows up and presses his claim to the water and people of Meridian. This ends with a display of force that is unimpressive to Swayze. Swayze proceeds to seriously fuck up Damnil’s goons, which gets Kasha even wetter. They should put a pump on her crotch, because Swayze has her starting to geyser. After seeing Swayze’s (Nomad) talents, the town nominates him as Peacemaker.

Kasha takes him underground to show him the water source, running from between her legs, that feeds the valley and makes it so important. She intends to irrigate the valley and make it a thriving place for people to migrate to.

Damnil tries to negotiate with Swayze. He rides up on him while Swayze is bathing in a pool of water. The dickhead from The Mummy knows Swayze’s cock is bigger, so he lets his jealousy get the better of him and shoves a spear in Swayze’s face. Swayze uses cat like reflexes to take the spear from him. Damnil proceeds to try and hire Swayze, but Swayze doesn’t associate with trash… he takes it out!

Just in case you are wondering: Does Swayze ever tap that ass? You are an idiot! Of course he does. Kasha strolls up to him while he is meditating on his head. Swayze flips over and can see that she is just begging for it. He figures why not? She is in her sexual prime. So he obliges her.

Shit starts to pick up when one of the water pumps breaks. Swayze and “Bloody Dud” from Tango and Cash have to steal a new pump from Damnil’s compound. This would be no easy task for anyone other than Swayze. Swayze smokes a guard in the head with a rock and finds a suitable pump. During their escape, assholes try to stop them. They don’t. Swayze is too much man for useless pieces of shit like that. It does result in retaliation from Damnil.

Bloody Dud gets all uppity when Swayze gets the credit for scoring the pump. He runs away like a gay little 8 year old. He makes it as far as the bar and gets piss drunk. This is where Swayze finds him. Swayze gives him a verbal blowjob and he decides to not be a fag anymore. When they leave the bar, Damnil’s head honcho Nikki Six and some underlings are waiting for them. They Fuck up bloody dud and Swayze. I know! I know. You have to suspend your disbelief and accept that Swayze could lose a fight.

After Bloody Dud dies and Swayze’s pin cushion gets kidnapped, it all comes down to a final battle between Nikki Six, Swayze and ultimately Damnil. I won’t tell you who wins… SWAYZE!!! Hahahahaha! Fuck you! I ruined it for you.

Steel Dawn trailer:

Antibody (2002)

2009-12-07T23:18:00.000-05:00

Lance Henriksen is good, but this movie is not good… it’s fucking fantastic!

I totally forgot that there was a time machine in Innerspace. Just when you thought Martin Short could not be more of a total douche bag, he does this. I can’t believe he traveled forward in time to rip this movie off. How low can you sink? The idea of shrinking a ship and injecting it into someone’s body is brilliant. Lance Henriksen would not be in this if they didn’t think of it first. Fuck you Martin Short. I hate your guts.

Everything is tits for Richard Gaynes (Lance Henriksen). He has a sweet job with the bureau, a fugly daughter that loves him, and a 12 inch cock. Life is just peachy until….

Gaynes is sent in to diffuse a bomb at the Russian Embassy. He arrives on the scene and instantly makes some Fed. feel like a total fucking retard. This guy knows fuck all about bombs, so Gaynes takes charge. This is not your run-of-the-mill Afghan IED. This thing is rigged with some really sophisticated shit. When they blow cigarette smoke on it, it reveals a rather intricate laser network that will trigger the bomb if tampered with. One false move and the bomb blows the fuck out of everyone inside. Gaynes makes a judgment call. He doesn’t have enough time to disarm the bomb. All of a sudden Habib comes stumbling into the picture. He is armed and muttering some crazy Arab shit. Gaynes tells the crazy fuck to drop his gun, but he doesn’t listen. Gaynes unloads in Habib. This shithead is dead as a doornail. When they check his gun it’s empty. Why would this crazy have an empty firearm? Shit registers with Gaynes. Oh fuck! The bomb is rigged to Habib’s vital signs. Get the fuck out! Gaynes just makes it out in time, but there is hell to pay. They need a scapegoat, so they pin the whole thing on Gaynes.

1 year passes. Gaynes is kicked out of the Bureau and now runs a private security firm. While he is enjoying some grub on a patio, some whore recognizes him. It turns out it’s the same reporter that made it look like he was at fault for the bomb going off one year prior. She expects him to do a follow-up interview about the bombing. Not happening. Where does this bitch get off? Instead, Gaynes revokes her press access for the upcoming event he is running the security for.

I’m sure the security is just precautionary, right? Wrong! Terrorist assholes have infiltrated the building. Some French cunt loses it when some asshole fucks up his Bisk. When he reams him out, the guy shoots him dead. Shit has began to go down. Normally Henriksen would stroll in and TCB, but it turns out that the terrorist has a detonator microchip inside his body. The bomb goes off if anyone kills him. What to do? This is definitely a prickly one. Gaynes and his buddy (leader of the Cobra Kai in The Karate Kid) bust in and shoot the shit out of all the henchmen. They seriously fuck up the leader, but they don’t kill him.

Luckily for Gaynes, there is an experimental project that can shrink a ship subhuman. They strap the psycho down and prepare to inject themselves into his body. Gaynes, some Russian broad, Shaka Zulu, and another chubby asshole board the ship. They shrink it down and inject it into the bloodstream. Now it is time to get down to business. They have to travel through the veins and find the microchip. Sounds easy enough, doesn’t it? It’s not. All of a sudden they are under attack. It’s Whites! White blood cells are attacking the ship from every direction. it’s a good thing the ship is armed with laser beams and pulse cannons. They manage to fight off the initial wave of Whites, but not before the only looker on the ship eats it. It’s not over yet. How will they survive another attack? I’ve got it! They can inject AIDS, Tuberculosis, or another illness into the body. The only problem is that no one is sick in the lab. There isn’t even a fag that they can extract some AIDS from. Just when it seems hopeless, Cobra Kai walks in hacking up shit all over the goddamn place. This sick fuck does the trick. The Whites go after the virus when injected into the vein. Thank god.

Oh dear god. Mr. Terrorist is dying on the table. If he dies it’s curtains for everyone. They are going to have to reverse the polarity of the guns and create a giant electro-magnate. This will prevent the bomb from triggering when they shock the bastard. Thank fuck it works. Now they can concentrate on defusing the detonator. Gaynes uses a combination of educated guesses and blind luck to figure out the code. He defuses it with no time to spare.

The bomb is rendered useless and now it’s clear sailing. Haha just fucking with you. They come under attack again. Not by Whites, but by skin mites this time. I don’t know why this dirtball has skin mites swimming around in his veins, but they are there nonetheless. They latch onto Gaynes ship and put it in serious jeopardy when they use there anus-mouths to break through the hull. Just when shit is about to be fucked, Shaka Zulu uses the main ship to ram the skin mite off of Henriksen. She blows the ship up and just narrowly escapes with an escape pod. Job well done. The Doc inserts a needle for the ship to drive in and exit the body. It’s just too bad that the damn terrorist wakes up. He loses it! It’s a good thing Cobra Kai is there to shoot him. He should be so lucky to have Lance Henriksen inside him.

It’s over. Henriksen nails Shaka Zulu, reintegrates, and lives happily ever after. What a wild ride that was.

Antibody Trailer:

Demolition Man (1993)

2009-12-06T13:13:00.000-05:00

Impress your lady-friend and prove that you've got smarts! This movie is brilliant!!

Simon Phoenix is the "futures most ruthless criminal". He has beetlejuice pants and a worse-than-8-ball jacket in the opening scene. He must be bad-ass to dress like that.

The movie opens in the near future - 1996. This is the same year that the cast of lost in space rocketed to another planet. John Spartan (Stallone) has tracked Simon Phoenix (Wesley Snipes) to an abandoned building in some burnt-to-fuck part of Los Angeles. Phoenix had made off with a busload of hostages but, after performing a thermo-scan, Spartan notes only one living soul in the building. It's Phoenix.

This movie is conceptually appealing and a decent satire. Unfortunately, it had some stiff competition in Academy Awards voting. Schindler's List won in 1993. Demolition Man was close, finishing just outside the top 200 movies that year. Like Schindler's List, however, a bunch of bodies are burned in this movie: It turns out that the missing hostages were in the abandoned building with Phoenix. Whether they were alive or dead when John "Demolition Man" Spartan brought the building down is unknown. Regardless, Phoenix is apprehended and Spartan is convicted of some sort of negligence for the death of the hostages. They both go to Cryo-Prison.

They make the future really lame in this movie. There is no crime except for an underground group of rat-eating dirtbags who steal food to eat and graffiti shit. Dennis Leary plays the leader of this smell-like-shit renegades . . . Edgar Friendly.

Phoenix "escapes" from prison. Turns out Dr. Raymond Cocteau has been using hypnotic suggestion to focus him on ridding the future of the scourge of Edgar Friendly. So yea, he doesn't so much escape as he is let out. Spartan is released to catch him. The two traipse through future-society causing shit, your boner explodes at the greatness of it all, and eventually we all learn that the spic-and-span future isn't all it's cracked up to be.

Oh, did I mention that sex in the future involves no physical contact? You wear a fucked up helmet. The exchange of bodily fluids is a no-go. Also, you clean your ass with three seashells. Rob Schneider loves it when Spartan doesn't know how to use them. Spartan gets a bunch of fines for violating the morality statute (by swearing) and wipes his ass with the fines. Cool.

Hot dogs; armour hot dog's ...

Invasion U.S.A. (1985)

2009-12-01T22:52:00.000-05:00

Chuck Norris is the greatest actor of our time. Got it!?

On an unrelated note: I just saw a fat fucking loser lined up to see the new Twilight movie and he had his book in hand. I don’t watch pure shit, so I don’t know the specifics about this lame movie. I assume it is about gay vampires that feed on dudes sauce, straight from their balls. Coming out of a movie that will put a little more hair on your nuts, shit like this is fucking brutal.

Invasion U.S.A. is Chuck at his best. No one else can rock denim like Chucky. It doesn’t matter if he’s boating in the bayou, or he’s strolling down the streets of D.C. He’s always dressed to the nines in his sleeveless denim shirt and nut-hugger wranglers.

The only unbelievable part of this movie is not that mercenaries invade America, not that Chuck shoots a man with a bazooka from inside ten feet and lives, but that Richard Lynch would be able to kill Billy Drago. I’m no hater of Richard Lynch, but Billy Drago would fuck him up royaly.

You are introduced to the evil asshole of the movie right at the start. Richard Lynch stops a bunch of Cubans trying to row their way into America. As punishment he machine guns the little bastards. Then he steals their drugs. Of course they had drugs! If they didn’t, they would have been forced to get a job.

Richard Lynch leads a group of mercenaries hell-bent on destroying the American dream. Chuck has something to say about this. No one fucks with freedom on his watch. We will call the mercs Cuban, even though they aren‘t. They should be. It's fan-fucking-tastic when the mercs come ashore in WW2 landing craft and start wasting innocent people. For example: Some little shithead is about to place the star on her family Christmas tree when…. BLAMO! Richard Lynch and some fucking beaner launch a bazooka right into the goddamn house. They turn it into kindling with the spoiled little assholes inside. Do you think they get Christmas in Cuba? They are eating rat stew while these fat fuckers stuff their faces with turkey and all the trimmings. Richard Lynch then proceeds to use his semi-auto bazooka to blow up the rest of the neighborhood. It doesn’t end there. Before Chuck can even formulate a plan, they slaughter millions of people (okay… thousands).

Before long, Chuck gets his shit together. Richard Lynch storms D.C. with his mercenary army. Chuck is ready. He has the armed forces mobilized and traps them in some building. There is only one thing left to do when this happens. Chuck goes in solo. Shit gets intense as Chuck tiptoes around in his denim camouflage and dual Mack 10’s. He must be wary for Richard Lynch is packing an M16 with an ABS pipe grenade launcher on the bottom. BEHIND YOU! Too late. Richard Lynch, you did not see my boy Chuck in time. Chuck turns him into paste, with his bazooka, as he uses just the right amount of force.

I think you all owe someone a little gratitude. Thank you, Chuck.

It’s impossible to ruin a Chuck Norris movie. They are too good. I still don’t want to give too much of this great movie away. This shit is on a need to know basis, and all you need to know is that the dynamic duo of superjews Golan-Globus produced it. Delta Force, American Ninja, Allan Quatermain and the Lost City of Gold... Need I say more?

Invasion U.S.A. Trailer:

The Results are in!

2009-11-26T21:48:00.001-05:00

Everyone that said anything but Sue Price for the latest poll has never really had a stiff pole! View for yourself!!!

Seriously, who doesn't like a girl that can beat the shit out of them!

I will award second place to Grace Jones to prove i'm not racialist, POLL BE DAMNED, this is no democracy!

Cyborg Cop 2 (1994)

2009-11-26T17:48:00.000-05:00

You thought he was dead... You were wrong. Dead wrong.

David Fucking Bradley!

Hahahahahaha! This movie sucks so much that it's great! The opening 20 minutes is a slow motion scene where a truck drives around a warehouse blowing people up. Add the cheesiest music to the cheesiest scene and there you have it. Cyborg Cop 2 is fucked! Every time David Bradley does something heroic, the same shitty music plays. That’s not the worst part. Picture yourself at some hick country bar. Some tough guy rolls up on his hog like he owns the goddamn place. He gets off his bike with a “fuck you” look on his face. This is when you pan down and notice that tough guy is wearing the gayest accessory that anyone could possibly wear.

A fucking fanny pack! They really nailed the wardrobe in this movie. I guess David Bradley didn’t like the uncomfortable feeling of a wallet in his pocket, while riding his bike. Not to mention, you can store your gum, Chap Stick, keys, and anything else that needs storing. It’s convenience knows no bounds. The fanny pack will plague you the whole movie. Every time David Bradley tries to show how badass he is, his gay little fanny pack undermines everything he says.

Jack Ryan has to battle a group of anti-terrorist cyborgs gone bad. This is no easy task, but luckily he enlists the help of his cowboy buddy. It’s too bad he ends up getting his in the end. The cyborgs hate cowboys and really fuck him up.

These cyborgs are equipped with the latest weaponry and armor. One of them even has a tit on the end of his arm that shoots laser beams. In one scene the tit-laser blows up a helicopter. In another scene, the tit-laser shoots Cowboy, but it only chars his skin a bit. This asshole must be one tough son of a bitch.

The head cyborg “Starkraven” has a real grudge against Jack Ryan. The cyborg was made from the criminal that Jack beat the shit out of at the start of the movie. The whole movie is basically David Bradley confronted with random situations that call for random acts of violence. You will roar when you see David Bradley distract a cyborg with a fire extinguisher, long enough to weld him to a table.

The special effects aren’t as shitty as the rest of the movie. Although, the cyborgs are pretty special. They must have used a whole roll of tinfoil on their outfits. They store their different weapon attachments in their chest. When they switch weapons, you can see just how shitty the suits are made.

All in all, this movie is a must watch. You may want to hurt someone by the end of it.
Cyborg Cop 2 trailer:

Death Wish 3 (1985)

2009-11-24T10:03:00.000-05:00

He's got an arthritic finger and a hair trigger.

Bronson looks like he's already dead in this movie. He moves around like a two-legged spider; but this s.o.b. spins one fucking massive web - OF DEATH.

Some stupid fuck decided to kill Bronson's buddy in a shitty part of New York City. MISTAKE. Bronson moves into his apartment, kills a thousand people. Movie ends, your life is changed forever. Bronson's character doesn't die, but you know Bronson must be close to it.

Bronson delivers his lines in this movie like an unmotivated professional. He knows it's too easy . . . too easy to take down a massive gang in the heart of New York. He's bored. It's another day at the office and he's already retired. Unfortunately for him he's sucked back in like a long, stringy, snot.

Did you know that the police departments hands are tied? Shit, they can't solve this gang problem and it's getting out of hand. Bureaucracy, procedure, they're the real handcuffs. Do you know what the chief, Shriker, decides to do? He decides to bring Bronson in because he has a theory that Bronson is some sort of vigilante. Shriker motivates Bronson by giving him no choice but to kill the roaches. Bronson is smart. He knows he cant afford enough bullets for the task so he makes his own. He's unleashed on the gang like a 12 year old pitbull with three legs, and he's got a ferocious appetite for justice: HIS JUSTICE: KILLING

Picture who you think would play the police chief and you'll see this guy (and be right):

Pretty cool huh? Yes. Cool indeed. As cool as Charles Bronson. Do you know who else is in this movie?? (i'll give you a clue, he's another past his prime actor that used to get prime roles). This guy:

Yea, guy one and guy two are in this movie.

I don't know where the movie was filmed and don't care to look, but there were cases of Moosehead stacked in one scene.

I have one complaint about this movie. There's an underlying love story, or, at least, some woman that thinks Bronson is all wicked. There are implications that they make love. We know it's impossible as viewers because Bronson's penis is too old. Maybe he makes love to her with his Magnum:

That's seriously his gun.

Allright, enough. Go watch this movie. You'll probably piss yourself laughing. Just tell everyone you're trying to be like Bronson. The toughest senior citizen on the face of the planet. I fucking love this movie.

Here's the trailer.

Fist Fighter (1989)

2009-11-22T22:35:00.000-05:00

C.J.! C.J.! C.J.! C.J.! C.J.!

Is it possible to have a bad movie with the main character called C.J. Thunderbird? What if buddy looks like Ricardo Montalban jacked on steroids?

Fist Fighter has the best training montage you will ever see. Not only does C.J. do pushups with a dog on his back. C.J. does pushups with a greasy Bolivian on his back. He even utilizes the piggyback as a training technique. How could he possibly fail!?

This movie manages to surpass all others with punches to the face taken. Every fight consists of a minimum of 50 punches to the face. C.J. is lucky he has the face of a 70 year old man, but is built like a brick shithouse. No one else could take that many punches.

The story goes: C.J. Thunderbird drives his shitty Jeep to Bolivia to avenge the death of his friend. When he gets to Rosario, he finds an underground fighting ring; where the champion is the man that killed his friend. Matthias Hues plays Rhino, so you know the movie is going to be awesome. Matthias has never done a bad movie. C.J. manages to arrange a fight with some guy that gets his ass handed to him. This catches the eye of a man called Punchy who becomes his manager/trainer. There is no beating around the bush in Fist Fighter. After C.J. wins one fight, the fight between Rhino and him is arranged. During the fight Rhino breaks his hand punching a wooden post. Just when C.J. is about to win, Rhino’s smug asshole boss has the fight stopped by his crooked police sergeant. Blah, blah, blah, shit happens. C.J. ends up beating the piss out of the sergeant when he tries to harass him and Punchy. As a result, he ends up going to prison where more greasy Bolivians taste his fist. He wins his freedom by fucking up some Zangief looking guy. He uses a devastating ball-clutch to do this. Upon his return to Rosario, C.J. finds Punchy has had the shit beat out of him by Rhino. The death of Punchy does not bode well for Rhino. A second match is arranged between C.J. and Rhino, but a fair one this time. You will be astonished to find out that C.J. wins the fight after delivering an almost endless barrage of face punches. He puts a little coin in his pocket and leaves to affectionate chants of, “C.J., C.J., C.J.!”

It’s worth watching this movie just for C.J.’s sweet fist pump celebrations. Don’t be surprised if you find yourself doing a fist pump after every fight. It’s that good.

Flight of the Navigator (1986)

2009-11-19T21:35:00.000-05:00

Who doesn’t have fond childhood memories of this movie?

I don’t understand why Fred Savage didn’t play David in this movie. Oh well. This movie is too good not to forgive. If you didn’t watch this movie as a kid, your parents hated you, or you are from Communist China. This site isn’t written in wingdings, so you can’t understand this anyways.

Once upon a time, there was a little boy (David) forced to go retrieve his asshole brother from the Johnson’s house. When his little brother (Jeff) surprises him by jumping out of a tree, he gets infuriated. In his rage he manages to lose his dog and fall down a hill. This is where the story makes you go, “hmmmmm”. When David wakes up and returns home, everyone is gone. Two old bitty’s live in his house now. But how!?

The police look up David’s parents and discover he has been missing for eight years. Naturally, this perks their curiosity. They take David to a lab to perform some tests. How could he possibly be David? He hasn’t aged a day. Around this time, a spacecraft crashes into some hydro lines. After the scientists are done probing David’s anus, they are no better off. They still don’t know the answers, or even why he enjoyed the probe so much. David then agrees to go to a more sophisticated laboratory. The scientists pretend they want to help David. They actually want the information on the alien ship that is stuck in David’s head. Now they will get the answers they have been looking for. They stick some shit to David’s head and discover all kinds of information from his mind. David’s head is full of star charts and some weird alien language. I think it is Mandarin.

While at the lab, David makes friends with Sarah Jessica Parker . She introduces him to Twisted Sister, but David doesn’t know how to rock. David is a Bee Gees fan. This really proves how lame the little bastard is. As time passes, Horseface takes a real shinning to him. You can tell she wants to school him in the ways of passion. This doesn’t happen, because Sarah Jessica Parker is way too ugly. Even in her younger days, she was still hideous.

David finds out that they have no intentions of letting him go, so escape is his only option. Rather than be confined in the lab, studied, and possibly raped, David enlists the help of Horseface. She hides him in a robotic trashcan that drives him to the alien ship. David then climbs aboard the flying walnut that is the alien craft. I can’t tell the difference. Can you?

Inside the ship, David meets an alien named Max. The ship and Max are the same person. Together they flee the base/lab. This is the part in the movie that really warms a child’s heart. David and Max go on a fantastic voyage all over the earth. David is the Navigator and Max complies with his orders. If it doesn’t sound awesome already, Pee-Wee Herman does the voice of Max. While aboard the ship, they learn to listen to music, dance a little, sing, and David comes into his own as a Navigator. He learns the difference between a first and third class maneuver. The Walnut transforms into a sleeker shape and flies like a bat out of hell. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! They are really moving now. It’s so awesome!

David and Max get lost. Neither of the retards can find David’s home. They park the Walnut at a gas station and phone Jeff for directions. He goes onto his roof and lights firecrackers as a signal. When David and Max reach the house, the big bad scientist is waiting. Instead of giving the scientist the chance to rape him again, David climbs back aboard Max. He says some shit like, “I don’t belong here; my home is back in 1978.” Max then takes David back in time; at the risk of being vaporized.

It would be awesome if David got Kentucky fried, but he doesn’t. He makes it home and everything is perfect. Too bad.

Cue the wicked 80’s music. I want it as a ringtone. Everyone would start 80’s dancing whenever I got a phone call. That would be gnarly, rad, and tubular.

Flight of the Navigator trailer:

Solo (1996)

2009-11-18T18:11:00.000-05:00

Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad.

Coming off of some big roles, Mario Van Peebles stars in his own action movie…. And fails miserably. He is the worst actor. The Coles Notes version of Solo is: Solo is sent on a mission to neutralize an airstrip. He impressively climbs a cliff and plants explosives. He sees villagers working at the airstrip, so he doesn’t blow his explosives. He just blows. When some douchebag sees this, he blows them instead. Solo and the villagers get blown up. When the chopper extracts the team, Solo grabs on to the landing gear. This amazes everyone but the viewer.

When everyone gets back to HQ, they wonder why Solo is gay enough to disobey a direct order. They forget that Solo is a superhuman retard and he hears them talking about taking him offline. Now he has no choice but to flee from his shitty spider drawings and boyfriend Adrien Brody. The damage he suffered to his power source makes this that much more difficult.

Solo’s battery conks out and a little kid finds him. He goes back to the village where some Chiquita wants to get herself some android dick. This would be a perfect opportunity for a titty scene, but it doesn’t happen. The villagers charge Solo’s battery with a 3 horse generator. Remember, if you need to charge something, just attach wires to it. If it works for Solo, it will work for you. After some bullshit accepting Solo into the village drama, Solo learning how to laugh badly, and Solo doing quirky things, shit goes down. By, “shit“ I mean more shitty movie.

Oh no! Soldiers track solo to the village and try to fuck him up. When Solo successfully defends the village, the soldiers side with the local rebels. Now Solo has to deal with two armies! Do you think he can do it? Of course! Solo kicks ass and forces the useless retards to take drastic measures. The Colonel one-ups Solo and becomes a superior mandroid. Shocking isn’t it?

Supercolonel and Solo end up brawling in a temple. This fight scene is almost as bad as a fight scene from Scorpion. To my amazement Solo ends up getting the better of the superior android. Some Styrofoam boulders cave in on Supercolonel and fuck him up. He’s dead, right? Wrong! Solo then walks over and says, “Delete this” to the General through Supercolonel’s camera as he molests his face. Then he brings the whole temple down on Supercolonel. There must be at least a hundred pounds of Styrofoam on him. Luckily this does the trick. All the villagers celebrate and Solo lets out another pathetic laugh to let his little buddy know he made it. Roll credits and get pissed off because you will never get that two hours back.

Solo trailer:

The Results are in!

2009-11-18T15:48:00.000-05:00

Apparently, They Live is the greatest B movie ever. It's debatable with Delta Force and The Last Starfighter on the list, but it is a great movie. Roddy would be so proud. Back in Action, Sci-Fighters, and Nemesis finished piss poorly with two votes total. I would recommend watching these movies. They are awesome.

Inglourious Basterds (2009)

2009-11-17T19:13:00.000-05:00

This movie was shit. I can't believe I watched it all. This contains spoilers. Actually, it doesn't matter. You can't spoil a terrible movie.

When porno is bad, it doesn't matter: there is AT LEAST always some sort of action. The only action in this movie was the complete wanking that Tarantino gave his verbose cock. I'm going to step a touch aside here . . . Reservoir Dogs - GOLD, Pulp Fiction - GOLD, Jackie Brown - GOOD SOUNDTRACK, From Dusk Till Dawn - THERE WERE TITS IN IT. This movie? BAD.

Books have chapters. It makes sense. Movies have scenes. That makes sense. A movie with Chapters is pretentious. Fuck you Tarantino. I never knew you could put your cock in your own mouth! Even if I could I wouldn't want a cock in my mouth. You special son-of-a-bitch. I will summarize the movie below:

CHAPTER 1

I also love milk, but not two glasses of unpasteurised milk over a discussion of the location of a missing Jewish family. I like my milk with dinner. Oh wait? they're under the floor boards here? okay, lets blow the shit out of them.

One girl got away.

It was a dairy farm where this shit happened. Did Tarantino show us any cows? NO! BOO-MOO-MOO.

Oh we were introduced to some Nazi. He speaks lots of languages and finds Jewish people to kill. He is smug.

Chapter 2

Sometimes Brad Pitt redeems himself for all the jealousy he causes among lame-ass fat-fucks for being able to insert his penis in Angelina's vagina, in which he expunges load. Other times I hate him. He's a douche in this movie, as is evident from the start. I hate him in this movie.

I guess we have a team here of Jewish American soldiers being assembled to be dropped in France with the express goal of killing Nazi's. One of the soldiers gives a dude a friar tuck but is a little blade heavy and it turns to a scalping. I haven't seen as much blood as this since I watched the Carrie shower scene on repeat at Marsland's house.

Hmm, someone gets beaten to death with a bat. Because he's a german soldier, we are to be okay with it. I'm okay with it because Brad Pitt stopped talking with his RETARDED accent . . . I mean his learning disability accent.

Chapter 3

BORING! I may learn German by the end of this movie.

I like Snipers. I'd be one. What I wouldn't do is try to impress a girl by bragging about how good I was at it. Anyway, this German soldier has a fancy for this blond girl in Paris. Turns out she's the one that escaped the massacre of her family in Chapter 1. Wow, that first scene had a point after all.

Well well, the guy that killed her family is doing security for a movie premiere about the sniper and apparantly it'll happen at her cinema because the sniper dude convinced another dude that it would be great. He just wants to get fresh with her and have her sample his milk. Anyway, TONS of top Nazi's going to premiere.

P.S.! I don't care how good strudle is. I don't want to watch people eat it. Tarantino, were you hungry when you made this?

Chapter 4

ENGLISH! WE CAN HEAR ENGLISH AGAIN!!!!! (if you haven't seen this, all the people speak the real language - German's are loud, French are pretentious, American's have unrealistic unbelievable accents that make you question the merit of their acting abilities - THAT MEANS YOU BRAD PITT)

Mike Myers is in this scene. I hate him. This settles it, he's terrible. Anyway, there's a german spy that needs to be met by this movie expert soldier and the Basterds (Brad Pitts crew). The meeting is set up.

NO LONGER IN ENGLISH. PAINFUL.

Did you know German's enjoy Schnapps? I did, I went to Oktoberfest and had a shitload myself. I was wasted. Anyway, the meeting is happening in a bar. The plan is to blow up all the Nazi's in the theatre.

Ever go over to a friends house to drink but forget your booze and then realize they're playing a lame ass board game? That's what is happening. That is this scene. It's shit. So, unfortuneately there was this uppity sober German captain or something. He figured out that the good guys weren't german. He was going to ruin the plan.

WHOA, the fuck got blown out of everyone. Despite this, the scene is not redeemed. Anyway, only the german spy wench survives so the plan is revised and Brad Pitt and two other fucks will try to get into theatre. They don't speak German. They will pretend to be Italian. It's ridiculous.

The milk drinking Jew hunter finds the bar. He notes that the woman was there. Her cover is blown. He has her shoe. Looks like plan is not really going to work.

Chapter 5

We're in the theatre. It's full of all the top Nazi's. Absurd. The milk drinker speaks Italian. He also knows that Pitt and his buddies are obviously spy's. He grills them in Italian. He speaks it. It's amusing, but doesn't make up for all the pain i've endured to here.

Milk drinker kills german actress spy and collects Pitt's character, which has an shitty accent in case you missed it before.

Brad Pitt and the milk guy are away from the theatre talking and boring me more. German milk guy decides to allow the killing of everyone in the theatre so the way will end and he can negotiate with the allies to get some sweet shit. The girl that survived her families death at the start was already going to burn them all to death anyway. This happens. They all burn. She dies too.

THE END - oh no wait, more painfully lame movie to come.

Brad Pitt carves a Nazi symbol in milk guys head.

THE END.

Never watch this. I have truly captured the essence.
Inglourious Basterds Trailer:

Scorpion (1986)

2009-11-17T18:31:00.000-05:00

Critics are raving about Scorpion!

Michael McDonnell (New York Times) says, "Tony Tulleners is explosive! He is the next big action star"
Rob Landry (Seattle Tribune) says, "A must see legend in the making"
Movie Guru (Movieguru.com) says, "A bold story that will keep you guessing until the end"
Lorenzo's Boil (The Man) says, "Do not watch this movie! It is unbelievably bad."

This movie is a true piece of crap. Tony Tulleners is the worst actor. He has one facial expression, and it's a bad one. I thought it was amazing how Tony Tulleners managed to "act" for an hour and a half without changing his voice. It didn't matter if he was watching his friend die, or if he had just been kicked in the nuts. It didn't change. They should have casted him as a gay robot that gave free moustache rides. Tulleners kick-ass push broom moustache was the only good thing about him. Even that was overshadowed by his homosexual ball-buster pants and Legoman haircut. When you watch a movie called "Scorpion" you would expect some wicked fight scenes. The fact that they advertise Tulleners as beating Chuck Norris (THE MAN) three times in a karate fight would seem to support this. Bullshit! There were four fight scenes in the entire movie and they lasted fifteen seconds each. You couldn't tell if Tulleners was going to suck him off or kick his ass. Someone should kill the asshole that gave Corky the paper and box of crayons to write a screenplay. Spelling "Scorpion" with a "k" instead of a "c" would have been cleverer than any of the scenes in this travesty of a karate movie. Tony Tulleners was by far the worst part of the movie. The homo, David Bowie look-alike, bad guy made it that much worse. If you ever plan on watching this crap, snort some coke or smoke some rock first. You will need something to help you get through the first ten minutes. After that, it will take divine intervention to give you the power to withstand this giant lump of shit.

The Running Man (1987)

2009-11-14T16:14:00.000-05:00

Your enjoyment of this movie is directly proportional to your cock size!

Do you remember that time that your buddy told you to fire on a bunch of innocent rioters that only wanted some food for god's sake!? You were about to unleash a furious flurry of bullets when you decided you'd rather not. That's what happened to Arnold except WHAMMO, his buddy wasn't his buddy! IT WAS HIS BOSS and that was AN ORDER!. I'll be god-damned if he then didn't find himself fightin' two yes-men in a motherfuckin' chopper**. See, this is the part that makes no sense. They somehow subdued ARNOLD!

** aside, please note that the best arnold movies all have a helicopter in them.

Anyway, he goes to prison... FUTURE PRISON... and grows a kick-ass beard on account of being framed by a corrupt futuristic goverment. Have you ever had a wicked LAN party and totally challenged another able dude on a laptop? If you said "yes", note that THAT ORIGINATED IN THIS MOVIE AND YOU'RE A LOSER!. I bet nobody at your nerd prison (your mom's basement) had his head blown off as a result of your little nerd-fest! (don't argue with me, I said "head blown off" not "head blown"). ANYWAY, Weiss and Laughlin and Arnie all escape and go to an underground Fleetwood Mac concert and, after having his unflattering explosive necklace removed by Mic Fleetwood, Arnie goes over to his brothers, likely with the sole hope of shaving off his awful beard (which he does).

Did you know that, in the future, everything is contraband? Yea, that's right, say goodbye to your Hall and Oates 8-tracks!! Also, in the future, family feud has evolved into a different sort of gameshow where criminals are hunted down by stalkers like Jesse Ventura, Jim Brown, and asian hockey player, and an opera singer! Shit's corrupt though. They pretend that the criminals can win freedom and tell the audience as much... but last years winners are later found burned up like sunday pork roast!

Arnie's brother didn't live there anymore but a hot piece of Mexican by the name of . . . who cares about her name! ARNOLD AGAIN does the right thing by not whipping out his sausage stick and dipping it in her mustard jar!! his restraint is awe-inspiring! He instead plays all nice and decides to take her on vacation! When Arnold goes on vacation he does it right. He has a beautiful printed shirt and a lovely straw hat. It blows off when he runs onto the apron to escape the police after she sells him out. Why don't women recognize a good man when they see one?

Damon Killian loves Ben Richards. Ben Richards is Arnold's character in this film. I call it a film because it's not a movie, it's a work of art. Killian is the host of family feud in the future. He convinces Richards to go on the show in order to save Laughlin and Weiss. Not Lorie Laughlin though, the dude that escaped prison with with Ben Richards. KILLIAN IS A LIAR! he sends all three fucks and Maria Conchita Alonso down a stainless steel chute into the game zone and Arnold fucks the stalkers up!! GAWD do I have to explain everything? Okay, fine. The point of the game is that these super-hero like stalkers try and track down the criminals to kill them. Sub-zero is made plain zero by Richards. Fireball - dead. Dyanmo? dead. HA, then they try and fake Richards death because he's soooooo good at the game. What they didn't count on was Mick Fleetwood and his bandmates jamming the network satellite and bringing down the whole corrupt system! Richards is shown to be innocent, Killian is fucked up, and, if you ask me, I bet Amber and Ben make it to Hawaii after all!

This whole movie is about Schwarzenegger being a bad-ass, tougher than nails, no-shit taking, marvel of a fucking hero. He achieves what actors like Brando could only dream of - he ended corruption and gave the world hope. Brando, eat your fucking heart out (actually that is how Brando died, he ate his heart out).

This movie has the best quotes ever. Go to youtube, find them. Go to the movie store. BUY THIS MOVIE. If you don't watch this i'm going to ram my fist into your stomach and rip out your god-damned spine!
The Running Man Trailer:

Surviving the Game (1994)

2009-11-14T14:25:00.000-05:00

One of the best movies ever made. There, I said it!

Do you like being a failure, a loser, fucking retarded? Then try and find a better group of actors. I dare you! You have:

Ice-T - His acting is only rivaled by his early nineties rap. His portrayal of a piss stinking homeless piece of shit is so spot on, you feel like he is going to jump out of the television and beg you for change. Lessons can be learned from this movie. I would drop a G on bum hunting. The government should round up all the homeless dregs, hose them down, and pay them to let me, and others like me, hunt them. It’s so simple! It would be so beneficial to society: You would be able to use a ATM past 11pm, without having to sidestep some fucking hobo that smells like he’s been living in the trenches. Those soldiers fought for your freedom to be lazy. Where do you get off smelling like them, asshole? Any bums that survived “The Game” would no longer be bums. With their winnings, they would become valuable members of society. Then they could join the other side of the national pastime and hunt the people (I use the term loosely) they once shared the gutter with. They could also be guides, since they would know how the elusive bum thinks and moves. It is clear to me that this movie solves the homeless crisis.

Gary Busey - Gary fucking Busey! He didn’t even have to act in this movie. He just played himself. No one is more bat-shit crazy than Gary Busey. There is a reason he only plays a crazy retard on film. I’m pretty sure that his rant about Prince Henry Stout was actually about his dog that he killed and ate. With his disheveled hair and circus freak teeth, the world is lucky that this guy became an actor. If he didn’t, he would have become a serial killer, or carny.

Rutger Hauer - Need I say more? Rutger Hauer is awesome in this movie. He pretty much runs the whole damn show. While everyone else is going all willy-nilly, when Mason fucks shit up, he stays cool as a cucumber. You can tell that he knows exactly what he is doing. That useless fucking street trash Mason never would have escaped, if Rutger Hauer didn’t have to baby-sit a bunch of yahoo city boys, running around the woods like a chicken with its dick cut off.

John McGinley - Clearly the worst of the useless city boys in the movie. When he tries to tell Burns that he has to let Mason go, because he could have killed him and didn’t, you want to strangle his pussy-ass. You knew he was going to be a pussy, as soon as you found out he had asthma. They should kill these people at birth. They should fill puffers with cyanide, to dispose of the yes maams, that have already made it into society, and contaminated it with their hippie ideals. Do you really want these dopers around anyways?

F. Murray Abraham - I hate this guy. Fuck him.

Trailer: Surviving the game

CIA Code Name: Alexa (1993)

2009-11-13T19:26:00.000-05:00

The Juice is loose!!!

Thank God that O. J. was acquitted on all charges, stemming from the despicable accusations, by the vile racist Mark Fuhrman. Not since the murder of Nicole Brown Simpson and Jeff Goldblum, has O. J. captured the hearts of American society, like he does in this film. I didn't think that anyone could act with the passion and gusto that Lorenzo Lamas acts with. To my surprise, "The Juice" accomplished just that feat in his portrayal of the hard nosed, take no shit, rule breaking cop, "Nick Murphy". He really wears his heart on his sleeve in this one boys and girls. I tell you what, no one walks the line like O. J. walks the line in this movie. Internal Affairs would have a field day with his, whatever it takes to get the job done, attitude. If "The Juice" wasn't enough to sell a movie, you also have Lorenzo "The Fuck'n Man" Lamas in the cinematic masterpiece: C.I.A. I'm quite sure that C.I.A. stands for, "Consistently Irresistible Acting". This referring to Lorenzo's real badass acting style... Quite obviously. It is amazing how he keeps so calm and collected in the face of danger and adversity. He shows almost no emotion in his portrayal of C.I.A. Op. Mark Graver. This is what makes the tag team of O. J. and Lamas so explosive on the big screen. If they actually released this movie in theaters, it would have dominated any other piece of shit that tried to compete with its excellence. It's probably a good thing that they didn't do it. When they wrap Alexa's tight ass in those spandex pants, any male in the audience would be staying seated for an encore presentation, if you catch my drift (BONERS!). When I become king, I'm going to make it a law that you have to wear spandex pants, when you have a body like Kathleen Kinmount. The next law I make, I will make it illegal to wear spandex, if you look like a fat bitch. "The Juice" will be the personal driver of my fleet of white Bronco's, and Lorenzo will be my head of security. The hand shake will forever be forgotten as a form of greeting, only to be replaced by the high five. Now that's a world I want to live in!!!

Trailer: CIA Codename Alexa

Give me some sweet movies to watch.

2009-11-11T19:07:00.000-05:00

Really decent shoot 'em up movies can be hard to come by. Suggestions are always appreciated, for me, and anyone else that loves non-pussified movies. Let's have 'em.

Deep Evil (2004)

2009-11-11T18:24:00.000-05:00

11/10 This movie proves 110% is possible

Lorenzo Lamas! Need I say more? Oh yeah! Fine then! I'll be goddamned if this isn't one of the best movies EVER!!! From the opening scene with Lorenzo getting some action from some young little bucket to the surprise twist at the end of the movie, this movie never quits. I will ask you this: What should a movie be based on when everything has been done already? How about a super intelligent alien made of goo that has a sole purpose of survival by eradicating the human race? The goo uses the human body as a host and devours the body until it is nothing but goo itself. The goo then uses the appearance of the body, which is now just liquid, as camouflage in order to get close enough to fuck people up. Just a thought: I'm thinking that the writer of this movie may have had a little super intelligent goo in himself when he wrote this gem. Anywho, this goo crap wants to kill the assault team (Lorenzo Lamas), sent into a biological research facility to address a code-red, shutdown, oh! shit! alarm that has been set off, but Lorenzo will have none of that. I don't think this guy can go five minutes without beating the piss out of something. If you didn't respect Lorenzo after Snake Eater 3, then you will definitely respect him after he sacrifices himself, to save his team and humanity.

I know what you're thinking, "What kind of lame explanation do they give for the alien getting to earth?" How about this: This badass alien was in a meteorite that crashed during the cold war. The Russians discovered it and tried to multiply the specimen to create a biological weapon. When the experiment got out of control, the Ruskies had to nuke the area (Chernobyl), to kill the alien. When the Americans rediscover the alien, they try to create a biological weapon, and study it in case the aliens decide to invade earth. Wouldn't you know it, the alien gets out of control again. This movie goes to prove that our secret weapon against an alien invasion is in fact Lorenzo Lamas.

Trailer: Deep Evil

Deathstalker (1983)

2009-11-10T12:33:00.000-05:00

Shitastic B movie of astronomical proportions

Wow! Don't watch this movie with the in-laws, unless you want to show them what their daughter has been eating….. or do if there's a chance of some hot mother/daughter action.

Finally, a movie that understands the importance of gratuitous nudity. For example: What would you think a sexy warrior momma would wear around? That's right! She would wear a cape and nothing else. Why would she wear a shirt when she can lay the smack down on any piece of shit that tries to get his rape on? She wouldn't, period.

You better have the Kleenex and hand lotion ready for watching this breast-fest. It jumps right into the action as our hero saves some damsel in distress from a gang of assholes. And just like a hero should, he decides to collect payment for his troubles. After beating the living hell out of some dirtball goblin looking motherfuckers, he tears the shirt off of said damsel, and begins to stab her with his flesh sword. It's just too bad some old bastard ruins the scene too early.

The caliber of topless woman in Deathstalker is way above par. I'm pretty sure that that's where the budget went. So if you are thinking of letting your pre-pubescent children watch this, don't! Unless of course, you want to hear them crying, "Daddy! Daddy! My pee-pee hurts." You're damn right it does. It better! That Lana Clarkson is a fox, and anyone without at least a semi is obviously gay. I'm pretty sure the next part of the conversation would go, "Mine doesn't hurt though, go get your mother."

Lana Clarkson is damn hot!! See for yourself:

Points of note: The villains are vile, the women are delicious, and the action is packed. You will probably watch this movie, and love it so much, that you will make a tinfoil sword and act out the battle scenes. I know I did. The only problem is that I weigh about a dollar fifty, and Rick Hill looks like he was cut from granite, but that's nothing a Sharpie can't cure. A couple of minutes in the mirror, with the marker, and I looked like Rick Hill times two.

My only complaint about Deathstalker is Munkar. He looks more like a pedophile than a badass villain. Of course, he is a wizard, so I wouldn't be surprised if he used his magic tricks to lure children into his castle. Even then, he looks like he would lose a fight to an eight year old with a safety pin. He's so pale that if it was a black and white film, he would be invisible (insert drum here). I know that insult was awesome, but I can't hear your praise, so ignore the temptation to congratulate me.

You should watch this movie, and if you don't, screw you! I told you it was great, so don't call me a liar. We can fight about it if you would like.

Trailer: Deathstalker

The Last Starfighter (1984)

2009-11-10T12:20:00.000-05:00

It's a funny story Regis. A similar thing happened to me.

Did I ever tell you guy's about the time I was abruptly abducted by space aliens? What a time that was, I tell ya! They locked on to me with what I would later find out was a Jinstar model 2000X tracto-beam. As I was being transported to their mother ship, I was terrified as I looked down upon the world with the realization of what a fragile existence we have. I didn't know what was going to happen to me next. As I approached the porthole in the alien vessel, I fashioned a makeshift stabbing weapon by positioning my keys between my 2nd and 3rd knuckles. I was prepared to use this as soon as an opportunity presented itself. To my surprise, my captors greeted me with a wondrous look of amazement on their face (as if human anatomy applied to these creatures). I was greeted with offerings of what turned out to be "food" and "drink". The food was an almost gelatin like substance served on green pieces of some sort of unfamiliar plant life. I later found out that this was a delicacy on their planet and it was referred to as "Zanga Fruit". The liquid had the look of water, but I found myself unable to persuade my curiosity to sample these offerings. I was then led away from the cargohold of the ship, and onto the bridge of the alien vessel. I was greeted by their leader as he said to me, through a universal translator, "Welcome my friend. This whole experience must be very traumatizing for you. You can be sure that we are a friendly race. My name is Pleetor and I am the commander of this vessel, the Kreetorian 4. We have traveled great distance from the planet Zofar, home of the Blingar people, in search of the earthling known as Adam." I then summoned the courage to ask Pleetor, "Pleetor, you honor me with your hospitality, but I must ask what your purpose for abducting me is?" To which Pleetor replied, "I am sorry for this unexpected visit, but believe me when I say that it was imperative that we find you as soon as possible. What I'm going to tell you may sound insane, but you are the universes only hope. Please sit down and I will explain everything to you." As I sat down Pleetor explained everything exactly as he had promised. Apparently, two earth months earlier a space pirate, by the name of Sultron, stole a TSX model 1.7 deathray. A weapon with this much destructive power falling into the wrong hands is of critical importance. As the Zofar High Council debated the actions necessary to deal with Sultron, a Blingar by the name of Zolax told a tale of a boy who was found on the planet Earth, that had the necessary ability, and willingness to leave his home planet, and fight for the fate of the universe. The boy was picked over all others because of his superior skill at a video game, that was actually a flight simulator for an alien attack ship. It was he who destroyed the evil Sultron, and saved the universe approx. 30 years earlier. Until two months ago, everyone thought Sultron was dead. Zolax proceeded to inform the Zofar High Council of the movie "The Last Sarfighter" that was based on this historic event. Like this boy, apparently I was the next chosen Starfighter. So what did I do when faced with this decision? That's easy. I agreed to follow in the footsteps of the legendary Starfighter before me, and risk my life to save the universe. We departed our solar system in a brilliant flash of light, and in no time at all we were in the galaxy Omecron 3. When I started to worry about the inevitable battle that was approaching, Pleetor took it upon himself/herself to comfort me, by telling a rather humorous anecdote, about a Destron Gama beast and Blingar High Councilor caught in a rather unflattering situation. Haha, it's still funny to think of it now, but I'm not going to get into that. Our laughter was short lived because just then the dreaded Sultron appeared off our port side. His ship was massive, well armed, and the pinnacle of Blingar technology. Pleetor immediately yelled to his crew, "shields up! Arm matter displacement cannons 4 through 9 and show our savior to his ship!" I and twelve other Blingar fighter pilots, ran to the hangar, and I jumped in the cockpit of a beta class Blingar Interceptor. This ship was amazing. It had 4 Triberian blaster cannons, trigalonite shield panels covering the hull, and the fastest engine the Blingar have ever produced for the Interceptor. It was quite impressive. We bolted from the Kreetorian 4 and engaged the enemy squadrons. We attacked in an echelon formation and destroyed 6 enemy Zeelon bombers in the first pass. The Zeelon class bomber was a slow, but powerful ship, not to be taken lightly. As we approached Sultrons vessel, we were caught off guard courtesy of a number of HSK Scatter Cannons. We lost 4 ships as a result. I took evasive maneuvers and managed to get within firing range of Sultrons ship. I launched a Blingar borilium armed missile into the hull of the ship, and blew a hole in it that was just bigger than my vessel. I then evaded a squadron of Zeelon fighter class attack ships, and I flew my Blingar Interceptor into Sultrons ship. I managed to get a Blingar borilium bomb into the inside of the ship, and then got the hell out of there. As I distanced myself from the ship, it blew with one hell of an explosion. I docked back in the Kreetorian 4 and was greeted with a celebration like nothing I have ever experienced before. We all drank some sort of synthohol called "Gleetax Ale" and in hindsight I think I may have overdid it.

Trailer: The Last Starfighter

No Exit / Fatal Combat(1995)

2009-11-10T12:14:00.000-05:00

Should have been called "No Equivalent" That would be clever and wicked-awesome.

Balls! This movie has so much balls that it could gag a Taiwanese hooker, but enough about Asia. Jeff Wincott is a poor mans Chuck Norris, without the beard and wicked demeanor. If they shelled out the money to get a Chuck Norris, or Gary Busey in this film, it would have been a definite blockbuster. What's that, you don't like Chuck Norris? Fuck you! You will not speak such blasphemy in my presence! Chuck Norris is the Ying to my Yang. If someone were to spew out such sacrilege in his presence, show him disrespect, or piss him off in any way, shape, or form, they would receive a devastating karate chop to the jugular. "Take that you ignit bastard" is what old Chuck would tell you, as you lied dying on the ground. Then he would drive his Corvette off into the sunset, with me, and two really fly looking babes.

Let's get back to the topic of "No Exit". Jeff Wincott plays John Stoneman, a school teacher with the philosophy that pacifism is the way to achieve inner peace. This is working out for him all fine and dandy until some punks abort his baby with a switchblade. Wooooooo! You don't kill John Stoneman's baby, and expect him to talk about his feelings, with you. He snaps! HYAAAAAAH! Punch here, kick there, all that's left is zipping up the bodies. You just earned yourself a dirt-nap care of tough guy, John Stoneman, brotha! It kind of reminds me of those pacifist monks back in Nam. They preached peace and warm and cuddly ideas, then Blamo! They're pouring gasoline on themselves, and starting a human bonfire. The only difference is that John Stoneman is igniting a metaphorical fire of action, violence, and payback ten fold. I don't want to give away any of this cinematic masterpiece, but know this! The security guard from "The Running Man", Jeff Wincott, the most vile villain, and erection giving action are all there for your enjoyment.

Trailer: Fatal Combat (No Exit)

Waterworld (1995)

2009-11-10T11:28:00.000-05:00

Is love too strong a word? Nope, it's not strong enough.

To all the haters of K.C. out there, don't be a playa hata! Holy shit! My rod just grew three inches by using "African American" slang. Now I know how they do it. I can't understand how anyone says that they hate this movie. It boggles the mind to imagine that a movie with a fish-man does not break every single box office record ever held. Waterworld is the best movie K.C. has ever done. In fact, Waterworld is one of the best movies anyone has ever done. Since I quite obviously give this movie the credit it deserves, I should make a sequel to it. Even if K.C. was against it, I would still make it if the opportunity was to present itself. If K.C. were to say to me, "Hey! Guy, I love ya, buuuuuuut, I'm no spring chicken anymore." I would tell old K.C., "No worries big guy, everything will be alright without you, you'll see." Even if he started getting hysterical and tried to tell me, "No! Don't do it! It will bomb at the box office (K.C. blubbering like an idiot)…so much money, Lost! It's all gone. We will never recoup the costs." Then I would calm K.C. down and be like, "K.C.! K.C.! Get a hold of yourself man! It's not your fault. The public just wasn't ready for an intricate tale of a fish-man saving a water society from evil smokers. That was then and this is now. If I make it, they will come" That would set him straight. I'm sure K.C. would tell me, "Thank You, Adam. You are always right. Achieve your destiny." I'm getting all hot just thinking of "Waterworld 2: Wetter". Please God, make this happen. I would give my left arm for this movie, but only the left one, since I need the right to replace K.C. My plan is to go down to the local aquarium, and buy some fish eggs. I'm going to take those eggs and use my right arm to pound off on them. If my high school biology education has taught me anything, when my seed penetrates the fish eggs, this will spawn a race of fish-men. Hmmmmm… my own race of fish-men, this gets me thinking. Fuck the movie Waterworld. We will live in a Waterworld! I'm going to breed a whole army of fish-men. My fish-man army will spread like a tidal wave into every major city. They will have super strength, and they will be armed with super sharp tridents. I will be a god. If any motherfucker yells out, "MUTATION!!" I will take a super sharp trident and shove it up his ass. Then normal people will be the mutants. Fish-men will be able to live free, while I enslave the human race. No longer will we be limited to life on land. They will know me as God, and this will prevent them from turning on their creator (me).